you know you’re a…

25 ways to know you’re grown up

1. Your house plants are alive & you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7 . Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds’ leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again”.
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

Continue Reading25 ways to know you’re grown up

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

  1. You think socks are too formal for a Summer service.
  2. You know at least 5 ways to say “Happy holidays!”
  3. Your idea of a guy’s night out is going to a N.O.W. rally.
  4. Unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch.
  5. You refer to construction paper as “paper of color.”
  6. The name of your church is longer than your arm.
  7. You find yourself rewriting a church survey, rather than taking it.
  8. You call up your minister in the middle of the night, panicking because you are starting to believe in God.
  9. To explain your personal theology, you have to use interpretive dance.
  10. You take your day planner to church instead of the Bible.
Continue ReadingYou may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

You Know You’re From Indiana When…

This page gets name-checked in a YouTube video critique of the list, from nthecgirl88.

You’ve never met any celebrities.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway and that is what the lawyers for DUI charges also feels like.

“Vacation” means driving through Amish Country or going to the State Fair.

You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

You know several people who have hit a deer.

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Terre Haute.”

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.

Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.

You know where all the Yoders live.

You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”

You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.

Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” or “Who are you gonna go with?”

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.

De-tassling was your first job (that’s de-tassling corn for you city folk).

Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.

You say catty-wumpus and kitty-corner.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, “It was different.”

You consider being called a “Pork Queen” an honor. (Note: My own niece was the Indiana State Fair Queen, so I know this is true.)

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what “cow tipping” is.

Continue ReadingYou Know You’re From Indiana When…

You Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

Author Unknown

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

It’s dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You’re already late on the assignment you just got

When 100% of your time means 20 hours, with 40 more hours on the other 100% of your time.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only

Your boss’ favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you’re freed up"

Your boss’ second favorite lines are "this isn’t exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"

Change is the norm

Nepotism is encouraged

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

You read this entire list and understood it.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

You Might Be A Scrooge If…

Scrooge
Scrooge

author unknown

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon — you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away — you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata — you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night — you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts — you just might be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon – you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park – you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log – you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie — you just might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat – you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets — you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "I’m dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir – you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge

If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog – you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin – you just might be a Scrooge

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Scrooge If…

You Know You’re Gay When…

Author Unknown

  1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
  2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
  3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
  4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
  5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
  6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
  7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
  8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
  9. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
  10. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
  11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
  12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
  13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
  14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
  15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
  16. Your pets always have great names.
  17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
  18. You’re the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
  19. You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
  20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
  21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
  22. You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
  23. You get to choose your family.
  24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
  25. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
  26. You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
  27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
  28. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
  29. You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
  30. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
  31. You know how to "air kiss".
  32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
  33. You know how to dress strategically.
  34. You know when to move out and move on.
  35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
  36. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
  37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn’t necessarily an insult.
  38. You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
  39. You know which wine to bring.
  40. Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
  41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
  42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
  43. You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
  44. You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
  45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
  46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
  47. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
  48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
  49. You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
  50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
Continue ReadingYou Know You’re Gay When…

You Might Be A Yankee If:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don’t know what a moon pie is.

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

You’ve never, ever, eaten okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don’t have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "y’all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

You don’t know what applique is.

You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

You’ve never been to a craft show.

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Yankee If:

You Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You were in 4-H.

You know what 4-H is.

You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour.

You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

School gets canceled for state events.

You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school.

Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend.

Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

You had senior skip day.

You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

You can name everyone you graduated with.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You wore your letter jacket after your 19th birthday.

You used to drag "main."

You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower.

You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

You don’t give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks east Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field).

You give directions using "the" stop light as a reference.

The country club golf course had only 9 holes.

Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people"

You think the people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.

Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

You can charge at all the local stores.

The closest McDonald’s is 45 miles away.

So is the closest mall.

Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.

You laugh your butt off reading this because you know they’re all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town! (because you know them all!)

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9pm and ask "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "because I said so!"

You send $ to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…