Posts Tagged: jokes

Guaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’ 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic

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Priorities

A man was walking up the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church. He noticed smoke pouring out of the building. He ran inside, and yelled to the Priest, “Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!” The Priest grabbed the New Testament, and ran out. A little farther up the road, the man passed

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Pop Quiz!

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your right side is a drop off. On your left side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles that won’t get out of your way and you can’t seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede

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Republicanism Shown To Be Genetic In Origin

The discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

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Funny Error in Time News Story

A bit of a slip up in a Times Magazine article on Bush & Cheney skipping the Republican National Convention: President Bush, Vice President Cheney and prominent governors decided on Sunday to skip the Republican National Convention, and the party considered shortening its big four-day event as Hurricane Gustav approached the Gulf Coast with potentially

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100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra

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My Past Falwell Greatest Hits

Jokes about Falwell from the past that people are suddenly linking to now that he’s died. No guarantees on the quality of the jokes… The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky 6 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay The Batty Hymn of the

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Say what now?

Alternate meanings for common words. Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers

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Queer Quotes

Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, “Who’d you call a faggot?” — Jon Stewart

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Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding

1. On the day of a gay wedding, it’s bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym. 2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty. 3. It’s customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an

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The Notorious Al-Gebra Movement

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is

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My Favorite Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome

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Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book

From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists: 10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself” 9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years” 8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up” 7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake” 6. “At First I Just Thought

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How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand

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Deja… What?

Author: Stacy Mineart A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister. Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu: Deja boo: The feeling that I’ve been frightened like this before Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before. Deja clue: The feeling that

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10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

author unknown 1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love ("The Way We Were," "Titanic," most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Author Unknown ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing. PAT BUCHANAN:

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A joke from our friend Veronica

A man walked into the women’s department of Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” What type of bra?” asked the clerk. Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?” “Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a

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Fear Itself

From Kung Fu Monkey, via Masson’s Blog: FDR: Oh, I’m sorry, was wiping out our entire Pacific fleet supposed to intimidate us? We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and right now we’re coming to kick your ass with brand new destroyers riveted by waitresses. How’s that going to feel? CHURCHILL: Yeah, you keep

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You Know You’re From Indiana When…

This page gets name-checked in a YouTube video critique of the list, from nthecgirl88. You’ve never met any celebrities. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. "Vacation" means driving through Amish Country or going to the State Fair. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten

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You Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70’s If:

This is the most accurate of these lists I have ever seen! I’ve checked off all the ones that are mine. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other… You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobby Easy Bake Oven.

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How to Run A Country

Shamelessly stolen from the comments section at Taking Down Words: On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, “How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?” “That`s easy,” she replied, “You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors.” “But how can I tell whether

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More Things I Learned From The Movies

Signals If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at

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Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that." Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence

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Permutations of Borg…

Author Unknown Uuuh, this is like, Butt-Head of Borg. Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh. You will be ass-eliminated, or something. Uh, huh huh huh. Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh m heh heh heh. That’s pretty cool. Ass-eliminated. Heh heh heh heh. This is Buzzcut of Borg. You WILL be assimilated.

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Nature’s Harmonious Money Cycle

Fafblog explains how trickle-down economics work for you: That’s right! You’re the tiny microscopic planktony thing about to get eaten by the octopus! You’re right next to the leprechaun with the magical pot of pixie gold who’s gonna pay down the national debt. So if you’re feelin cold, sick and hungry this winter while Larry

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A Christmas Tradition is Born

Author Unknown One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being

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ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus

by David Bibb CHICAGO – The American CivilLiberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children’s right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database.

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Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Author Unknown You’ll need the following: 1 C water 1 C sugar 4 large eggs 2 C dried fruit 1 tsp. baking soda 1 tsp. salt 1 C brown sugar lemon juice nuts 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey (Sample the whiskey to check for quality). Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again

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A Halloween Story

A Halloween Story Author Unknown A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….           BUMP…           BUMP…           BUMP… behind him.           Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an

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Bad Halloween Jokes

Author Unknown Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry? A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle! Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit ! Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A.

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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

Author Unknown 20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail." 15. Fire

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Computer One-Liners

Author Unknown Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore? (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend it didn’t happen? Any given program will expand to fit available memory plus 1K Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something Calm down — it’s only ones and zeroes Computers are like the Old Testament God — lots of

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New Job Interview Techniques

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

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100 Best Things About Being a Gay Man

1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with. 2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka. 3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets. 4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil. 5. You understand the immense importance of good

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Bush Dimbulbs

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb? None. There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision and nothing has happened to change our minds. People who criticize this light bulb now, just because it doesn’t work anymore, supported

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Three Irish Brothers

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

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Golfing in Ireland

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.

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Apple vs. Microsoft

Author Unknown Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and

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Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official.

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New List of Appropriate Language For Work

It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

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New Office Lingo

Author Unknown Adminisphere: Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

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Real Cowboy

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

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Gay Sons

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

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Runs in the Family

A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka. The bartender asks, "that’s a lot of liquor, what’s the problem?" The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay." The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What’s wrong now?" The man says,

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Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV

10. Angels Shouldn’t Go Around "Touching" Anyone 9. Mister Rogers’ sissy loafers. 8. "Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane" are lesbian, gay, gay and lesbian. 7. Bastards at MTV didn’t even look at my "Road Rules" audition tape. 6. If you don’t pay the bill on time, Playboy channel gets all fuzzy. 5. Fox won’t even

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Dear Dr. Laura

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

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The Perfect Car

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

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The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby and his cutsey little purse. He wears a purple outfit, and, dear friends, what’s even worse, He doesn’t scratch or spit or belch, He doesn’t even curse. What kind of guy is he?

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The Gay Genie

A gay man was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie.

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Christmas Sampler

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

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Dear Santa from Billy Gates

How are you doing? I hope you’ve had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It’s really neat how you’re able to do that year after year. I guess that’s how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.

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English Xmas Kitties

Stacy Mineart Today was yet another day in that inevitable annual melee we call christmas preparation. The rarity of Sunday opening hours in England necesitates that on such occasions every able-bodied individual must pile onto the high street to take advantage of the extra shopping opportunity whether they need anything or not. Thus, when I

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‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Internet Version

Author Unknown ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and throughout the net, not a modem was chirping; (It wasn’t mail-hour yet). The peripherals down and backed up with care, In hopes that St. Echo soon would be there. The grad students home all snug in their beds, with hi-res dreams abuzz in their heads. We Sysops

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Microsoft Acquires Christmas

MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

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The Net Before Christmas

by Jim Trudeau & Jay Trudeau (1991) ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets. The floppies were stacked by the modem with care In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The files were nestled all snug in a folder The screen

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Things Not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

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Company Christmas Party Memo

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

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‘Twas The Night Before Techmas

‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.

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The Next Stop

A little boy was playing in the living room with his new Electric Train set that he’d just gotten for Christmas. His mother was in the kitchen doing dishes.

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A Martha Stewart Christmas

The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post’s "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart’s December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)

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Dear Santa, about Martha…

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn’t cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

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The 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays

Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

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The Three Wise Firefighters

In a small southern town there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. However, one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

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Cat Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If I saw it first, it’s mine. 3. If it’s in my paw, it’s mine. 4. If it looks like mine, it’s mine. 5. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 6. If I can take it away from you, it’s mine. 7. If

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Politically correct cat definitions

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator. My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job. My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools. My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity. My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. My

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Why God created animals

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?” Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you

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Computer Hillbilly

Author Unknown (to the tune of ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’) Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…" Windows, that is …

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What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

Author Unknown General Motors doesn’t have a "help line" for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if they did? HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE:

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Computer One-Liners

Author Unknown Home is where you hang your @ The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the

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Darwin Awards 2001

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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Einstein’s Speech

Author Unknown When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was

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The Story of Randy the Rooster

Author Unknown A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the

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Jewish English or ‘Hebonics’

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

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The Third Debate

Author Unknown For those who did not watch the presidential debate, here was what was said: Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed

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Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!" Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In

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Fun Things to Do in Your Car

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Honk and wave to strangers. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Specify that your drive-through order

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Darwin Awards 2000

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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The Raft

And you thought this only happened in the movies. Jerry swears this story about a rubber boat really happened to him…

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A Heartwarming Story

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

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Customer "Support" At A Phone Company

I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty.

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Accidental Accident Reports

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

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The Landing

This is in fact a true letter written by an 8-year-old onboard a Quantus flight. She handed it to a flight attendant to give to the captain.

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College Chemistry Humor

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

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Student Bloopers, Part 7 – Science Facts & Legends

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’

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Student Bloopers Part 2 – World History

Author: Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School One of thefringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through

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The Psychic Dog

Author Unknown It’s common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be

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A Little Extra Effort

In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner: I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning

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The Wisdom Of Supermodels

Note: Most of these quotes have been debunked on Snopes.com as untrue. ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, ‘Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.’" -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to

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Travel Agent Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents… A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

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Video Trouble

Phone call actually received by someone I know, from next-door neighbor: "Our cable TV is having interference right now, is yours?" "Not as far as I know… what channel are you watching?" "We’re not watching a channel. We’re playing a tape." During the Gulf war, here in Israel, there was a family watching the Cosby

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Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

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Actual Job Interview Excerpts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

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Carjacking Foiled – A True Story…

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she knew how to use the gun and she would if required: so get out of the car, NOW!

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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. At the evening service tonight, the

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So You Think You’re Having A Bad Day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

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What To Do If An Anaconda Attacks You

Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

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At the Airline Ticket Counter

During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

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Actual Newpaper Ads

These ads supposedly appeared in real papers. "Bite the wax tadpole." – Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." – ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." – Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad "Retraction:

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Military Aircraft Registration Card

This was actually posted as a joke very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) – and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas, now a part of Boeing, is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft.)

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The Ultimate Email Urban Legend

Author Unknown A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken. After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky

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One-Liners From Your Favorite Comics

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen A study in the Washington Post

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The Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.

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Farmer’s Daughters

Author Unknown A farmer had three lovely daughters that he never allowed to date. The girls were beginning to worry that if they didn’t get the opportunity to date soon, they would all end up old spinsters. So after all three repeatedly begged the farmer to be allowed to date, he said, " OK girls,

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101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex

author unknown 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is

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Computer Definitions

404: Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

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Florida Kicked Out of United States

Author Unknown WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America. The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin

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The X (mas) Files

Author Unknown Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think

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New Y2K Software

Author Unknown This memo is to announce the development of a new database software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so

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Solving The Y0K Problem

Author Unknown While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium," or keeper of the calendar,

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How To Solve The Y2K Problem

Author Unknown The Corporate Office has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: 1. No Y2K problems

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Two Digits for a Date

Author Unknown (sung to the tune of "Gilligan’s Island", more or less) Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date… two digits for a date. Main memory was much smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too. "Four

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Bobby Knight in Heaven

Author Unknown After Bobby Knight dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Bobby a little two-bedroom house with a faded Texas Tech banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don’t get their own houses up here," God says. Bobby looks at the house,

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The Beer Prayer

Author Unknown, but thanks to Jesus for the inspiration Our Lager, Which art in Barrels Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk) at home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages as we forgive those who spill against us.

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In the Sistine Chapel

Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an old woman praying the rosary. He decides to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the woman can’t see him and says in a loud voice, "I am Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles." The

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A Little Accident

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, "So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars.

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What time is it in Heaven?

Author Unknown A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, he says "I’m not very busy today, I’ll show you around." The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and

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The Nature of Man

Author Unknown God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no

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Math is Hard

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort,they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious

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A Pretty Bad Day

Author Unknown Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your

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Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical

Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has

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Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading— a

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The Joys of Technology

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap

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Three Proofs That Jesus Was…

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into his father’s business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a

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Inspiring Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and

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Writer’s Paradise

Author Unknown A writer dies and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the the afterworld, she is allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being a very shrewd dead person, she asks St. Peter for a tour of both. The first stop is hell where she sees rows and rows

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The Letter

Author Unknown After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are

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Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and

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The Pope and the Janitor

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If

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The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 – Number of the Millibeast / 666 – Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1) =

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Church Humor…

Author Unknown Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please

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The Rabbi and the Pope

Author Unknown The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It’s my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope

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Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown He had only one major publication. It was in Hebrew. It had no references. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The

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Coffee 23

Author Unknown Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will

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A Visit to the Pope

Author Unknown A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What’s up?" The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to

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The First Sermon

Author Unknown The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go

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The Preacher’s Ass

Author Unknown A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

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Parrot Problems

Author Unknown A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That’s terrible!"

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Top 12 Sexual Lines in Star Wars

1. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid. 2. Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough! 3. Look at the size of that thing! 4. Sorry about the mess… 5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought. 6. Aren’t you a little short for

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How To Write Good

by Frank L. Visco and others Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas. It is wrong to ever split an

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How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name

Author Unknown For your new first name: 1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name 2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name. For your new last name: 3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name 4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you

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English Subtitles

From Harper’s Magazine July issue From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty,

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Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

Author Unknown 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper." 9. "One-a-day, like iron." 8. "Get a piece of the rock." 7. "You’ve come a long way, baby." 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em." 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." 4. "Tastes great, more filling." 3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Author Unknown Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie. Oh no! I

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Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

author unknown 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma!

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Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials

Author Unknown While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an

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Revised State Mottoes

Author Unknown Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! – or – But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang California: As Seen on TV

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Viagra Causes Panic

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a

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Questions to Ponder about Viagra

Author Unknown If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had

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Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Author Unknown Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err." Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid." Iguana: "The other green meat." Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If

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Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

author unknown 12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here." 11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!" 10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery." 9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account? 8. All of the

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Jean-Paul Sartre’s Cooking Diary

Author Unknown October 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet. October 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I

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What Not To Say To The Police

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are

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Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

Author Unknown How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out! The Cat in the Microwave Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Your Colon Can Moo-Can You? The Fox in Detox The Grinch’s Ten Inches One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch Zippy the Gerbil My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

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Very Short Books

Author Unknown A Guide to Arab Democracies A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean America’s Most Popular Lawyers

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A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is

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Peter’s Evil Overlord List

This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached. See Peter’s List for a more complete, complex version. Being an Evil Overlord seems to be

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New Metric Conversions

Author Unknown 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millilaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations

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Strange Bedfellows

Author Unknown If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d

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The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

Author Unknown 16. We’re working on that smell thing, too. 15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets

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Children’s Books You’ll Never See

These were from a Washington Post contest: "You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)

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Kennedy – Lincoln Similarities

Author Unknown Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names

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The F Word

Author Unknown Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked

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New Scientist Fantasy Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are some past winners: Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses). Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on

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What Should I Major In?

Author Unknown To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens

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Dog Breeds That Didn’t Make It

Author Unknown Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water

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Cowboy’s Guide to Life

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Never squat with yer spurs on. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt

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Rules of Chocolate

Author Unknown If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it

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Cartoon Laws of Physics

Author Unknown Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes

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Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill

Author Unknown Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close

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Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn

By Dave Barry 1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The

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Funny Anagrams

Author Unknown An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Dormitory == Dirty Room Evangelist == Evil’s Agent Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em Animosity ==

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"Bar Speak" – what they really mean

Author Unknown So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means? "I’ll get this one, next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll

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You Might Be A Yankee If:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. You don’t know what a moon pie is. You’ve never had grain alcohol. You’ve never, ever, eaten okra. You eat

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You Know You Are From Wisconsin When …

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday. You define summer as three months of bad sledding. Snow tires come standard on all your cars. You refer to the Packers as "we." You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week. You can identify an Illinois accent.. You know what cow-tipping

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Top 40 Things A Southerner Never Says

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening. . . 40. "Ellen and Anne make such a nice couple." 39. "I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000,

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You Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your

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You Know You Live in San Francisco When…

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none are visible. When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think steak. You think danger. You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live. You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent. You keep a

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You Might Be a Republican if…

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You’ve named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two" You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You’ve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You’ve ever tried

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You might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all." Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

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You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

Sounds special, doesn’t it? I think we are special, and hopefully you will too. Everyone has heard of rednecks by now, but traditional redneck humor either leaves out the ladies, or is incredibly harsh. Well, no more! Please read on – you may find yourself or someone you know!. You Might Be A Redneck Goddess

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You Might Be A Minnesotan If…

You measure distance in minutes. Weather is 80% of your conversation. Down south to you means Iowa. You call highways "freeways." Snow tires came standard on your car. You have no concept of public transportation. 75% of your graduating high school class went to the Univ. of Minnesota. You know more than 1 person that

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You Know You’ve Already Grown Up When…

1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. You keep more food than beer in your fridge. 3. 6 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 4. You hear your favorite song on the elevator. 5. You carry an umbrella and watch the Weather Channel. 6. You don’t remember when Taco

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You Might Be A Goth If …

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit You like to play dead in public You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper" The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a

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You Know You’re Stuck in The 80’s If…

Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome" You’re still bitter that Wham! broke up Punky Brewster is your hero You type all of your term papers on

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You Know That You Are Too Drunk When…

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6. The back of your head keeps getting

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You Know You’re Not in College Anymore When…

You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal. It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m. Three words: Student Loan Payments. You make

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You Might Be a College Student If…

You have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match. You consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. You have ever written a check for 45 cents. You have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. You have ever

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You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffeepot clean. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take

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A Student’s Guide To Bawstin

(for all of you who were not bon heah) By John Powers, Globe Staff:09/11/97 The truth, now. How many of you said "Boston University" to the cabbie at Logan Airport and ended up at Boston College? You’re right. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. The cabbie knew you weren’t bon heah, so he took you for a

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You Know You’re In America When…

A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance. There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. People order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. People leave cars worth thousands of dollars in

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Funny Shakespeare

Hamlet is a course and barbarous play. One might think thework is a product of a drunken savage’s imagination. – Voltaire Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or are they just pretending to be mad? Birnam Wood Reunion Staff If I were Juliet, we’d have got away If I were Romeo, we’d have got

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Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Make race car noises when people get on and off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just

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Hillary Looks Ahead

Author Unknown During the recent visit to Martha’s Vineyard, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a

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Darwin Awards 1999

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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Be Careful What You Wish For…

Author Unknown Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my

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Who’s the Fairest of Them All?

Author Unknown Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were all having lunch together. Hercules said, "I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?" Snow White agreed. "I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder." Quasimodo said, "I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest

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Do’h!

A guy has been traveling on business all day. He checks into a hotel and tells the man behind the desk he needs a single room for the night.

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Good Music

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

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Dinner With Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

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If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Author Unknown Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try

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Top 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your

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Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

Author Unknown A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you’d have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d

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If Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk

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College Glossary

Author Unknown ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record. ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend." ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves. BIOLOGY: (n)

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Cheddarhead Dictionary

If you think you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native… you’re dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey. For your enjoyment, here’s an updated list of Wisconsinisms. This stuff drives a spell checker crazy.

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Presidential Comparisons

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed The President’s biggest fear… Nixon: The Cold War Clinton: The Cold Sore Complaints toward the President… Nixon: Carpet-Bombing Clinton: Carpet-Burns Their Vice-Presidents… Nixon: His was Greek Clinton: His is a Geek Presidential qualities… Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her Things the President couldn’t explain… Nixon: The missing 18-minutes

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Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this. I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date

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Clinton Family Tree

Author Unknown One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have

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Scandal in Heaven!

Author Unknown Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to

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The Buffalo Theory of Drinking

In one episode of “Cheers”, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection

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So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question… I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. It gives my mother something to live for. It didn’t seem worth a blood test. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And

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You Pay For Quality

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

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Down South Valentine

author unknown Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I

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Clone of My Own (Song Parody)

The first verse and chorus are by science fiction writer Randall Garrett. The other verses are by Isaac Asimov. This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range. Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With its Y-chromosome changed to X And when it is grown

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Three Engineers In A Car

Author Unknown There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and

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Twas the Dieter’s Christmas

author unknown T’was the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down

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Fun Stuff to Do On Usenet

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu Post a message asking how to post messages. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.

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How to Handle Stress

Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail. Dance

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Bart’s Chalkboard

The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down many of the sentences that Bart writes on the chalkboard.

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The Beer Bill of Rights

Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

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Ode To The Malty Brew

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no

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New Government Warnings on Alcohol

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few additional warning may be appropriate.

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Honest – That’s The Way It Happened…

Author Unknown A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.

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Gone Fishin’

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They … for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.

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Where Ya Goin’?’

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

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Life After Death

Author Unknown Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word,

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Mom’s Home Cooking

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

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Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected drama processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

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RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

Author Unknown The recent announcementthat Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution

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Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

Author Unknown Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be

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The $5,000 Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

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Jack and Bob

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

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Nun’s Tale

Author Unknown A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror. She says, "What is it my son?" The cabbie replies, "Oh, I’m too embarrassed to say, sister." She says, "Please, feel free to say

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Three Wishes

Author Unknown One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.

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Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer

author unknown Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating

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Are YOU a Problem Thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

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