jokes

Guaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.” ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true, no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.The Coastal Side can help you to have best kayaking experience.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because’, he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain and is named ‘Juan.’ Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him… A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. And finally, there was the person who posted different puns to her blog, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make people laugh. No pun in ten did.

Continue ReadingGuaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind

Priorities

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A man was walking up the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church. He noticed smoke pouring out of the building. He ran inside, and yelled to the Priest, “Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!” The Priest grabbed the New Testament, and ran out.

A little farther up the road, the man passed by a Jewish Synagogue. Smoke was pouring out of the building. He ran inside. “Rabbi, Rabbi!! Your building is on fire!”, cried the man. The Rabbi grabbed the Old Testament, and ran out.

A little farther down, the man came by a Unitarian Universalist Church. It, too, was on fire. The man rushed inside. “Minister, Minister!! Your Church is on fire!”, cried the man. The minister grabbed the coffeepot and ran out.

Continue ReadingPriorities

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It Takes 300:

  • 12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
  • 5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
  • 8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
  • 4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
  • After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.

Continue ReadingHow many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Pop Quiz!

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You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

On your right side is a drop off.

On your left side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won’t get out of your way and you can’t seem to overtake them.

Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Continue ReadingPop Quiz!

Republicanism Shown To Be Genetic In Origin

Author unknown

The discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans’ unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics — a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn’t teach them how to be kind and gentle. Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited.

“After all,” said one author of the NURTURE article, “It’s quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican.”

The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. “I just knew it was genetic,” she said, seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. “My boys would never freely choose that lifestyle!” When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, “You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, you know.”

Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn’t just a phase they were going through. The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once — or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn’t “choose” their lifestyle any more than someone “chooses” to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn’t be denied civil rights which othe minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans can’t help, there’s no reason why society shouldn’t tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office — provided they don’t flaunt their political beliefs.

For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry?

Continue ReadingRepublicanism Shown To Be Genetic In Origin

Funny Error in Time News Story

A bit of a slip up in a Times Magazine article on Bush & Cheney skipping the Republican National Convention:

President Bush, Vice President Cheney and prominent governors decided on Sunday to skip the Republican National Convention, and the party considered shortening its big four-day event as Hurricane Gustav approached the Gulf Coast with potentially devastating strength.

The convention, a marquee event meant to send presidential candidate Dick Cheney into the fall campaign with a burst of energy and good feeling, already was becoming overwhelmed by alarming news of the hurricane just three years after deadly Katrina struck New Orleans.

Ha! Presidential candidate Dick Cheney. Time can’t tell them apart, either. Screen cap, because that will surely change:

Freudian Slip
Freudian Slip
Continue ReadingFunny Error in Time News Story

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
  4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  8. Answer their questions with questions.
  9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  15. Stutter on the letter “p.”
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  23. Change your accent every three seconds.
  24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
  26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
  27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window.”
  28. Rent a pizza.
  29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  32. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  33. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
  34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  38. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
  39. Play a sitar in the background.
  40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  42. Ask to see a menu.
  43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  49. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
  50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
  51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
  56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
  57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  58. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
  59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
  61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  62. Try to talk while drinking something.
  63. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
  64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  66. Be vague in your order.
  67. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  69. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
  70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
  72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  73. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  74. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  78. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  79. Put them on hold.
  80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  81. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
  82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  84. When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  85. Haggle.
  86. Order a one-inch pizza.
  87. Order term life insurance.
  88. When they say “Will that be all?” snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
  92. Engage in some serious swapping.
  93. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
  94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
  95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  97. Order a steamed pizza.
  98. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
  99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
  100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”
Continue Reading100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

Even More One-Liners

Been There – Shit Happened

Boldly Going Nowhere

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

Cover me, I’m changing lanes.

Don’t laugh, your daughter may be inside – (on a custom van)

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.

Hang up and drive.

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Honk if anything falls off

Honk if you’re ontologically alienated

Horn broken watch for finger

How can I get in your way when you don’t even have one?

I brake for no apparent reason

I don’t brake.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Iconoclast

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

If you can read this, please flip me back over… (seen upside down, on a Jeep)

If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now

I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

Karmically Challenged

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

My other car has bumperstickers, too

My son isn’t an honor student. He plays hockey.

Post Cool

Question Appearances

Question Authority

Question Reality

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

Seen on the back of a biker’s vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

So many pedestrians so little time

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm

This bumpersticker exploits illiterates

This is it, I don’t have another car.

This is Not an Abandoned Vehicle – on an old, rusted-out car with 2 plastic bags taped over where the rear windows used to be, parked in a shopping center.

Today’s Mood: Irritable

Warning! I brake for hallucinations

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Welcome to California. Now Go Home.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way

Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Continue ReadingEven More One-Liners

More Funny One-Liners

More funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that would look great on a t-shirt or bumper sticker.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Laugh now, but one day we’ll be in charge.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes; use birth control.

Leave bad enough alone!

Let’s just say I don’t respond well to authority.

Lethargy in motion.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Living well is the best revenge.

Lobotomies for Republicans? Why be redundant?

Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know — Caroline Lamb, referring to Lord Byron

Make no enemies accidentally.

Marching to a different kettle of fish.

Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states

Minimum wage for politicians.

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

My Reality Check bounced.

My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

My great dream is that I’ve won all the beauty contests in the world and all the people I don’t like are forced to build me a castle in France

My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.

My mom thinks I’m at the movies.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No good deed goes unpunished.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Not all who wander are lost

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known – Montaigne

Nothing succeeds like excess – Oscar Wilde

Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

Oh this Age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is – Gaius Valerius Catullus (Lyric Poet 87 – ?54 BCE)

Oh, evolve!

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Our parents were never our age.

Out of Mind — Back in 5 minutes.

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

Quantum mechanics – the dreams stuff is made of.

Sanity is madness put to good uses – Santayana.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Save the Dolphins? What did the cows do wrong?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smile. It confuses People.

So much to do. So few people to do it for me.

So many fools, so few comets.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

When they hit rock bottom, Some people will climb out. The others will begin to dig.

Some things are sacred–I haven’t taken them apart yet.

Some times the only solution is to find a new problem.

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do – Bertrand Russell

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.

Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.

Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have

Take my advice. I’m not using it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.

Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.

That was before … now you’re dealing with Me.

That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The early bird still has to eat the worms.

The empty vessel makes the greatest sound – Anonymous

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The future isn’t what it used to be – Yogi Berra

The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.

The lunatic fringe begins here.

The meek are getting ready…

The more things change, the more they remain insane.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. – Bertrand Russell

The trouble with you is that you’re alive

The truth of this checking account is mysterious, awkward and sad. More Transactions? Y/N?

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The windmills are winning.

There are times that try men’s souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There you go again, thinking you have rights.

There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Think of it as evolution in action.

This is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up, right?

This is as bad as it can get. But don’t bet on it.

This isn’t denial. I’m just very selective about which reality I accept.

This isn’t hell. This is where you get sent when you’ve been bad in hell.

This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

Three correct guesses in a row and you qualify to be an expert.

Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once — it’s not working.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered – Voltaire

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful – Mae West

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Vuja De’: the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.

Warning! This organism suffers from dangerous mood swings.

Warning! Whimsical when bored

Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.

We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We are not amused.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

We have only two things to worry about — either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.

We’re all mad here.

Welcome back to square one.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What a long, strange trip it’s been.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

What color is the sky in your world?

What could possible go wrong?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When I was young, we didn’t have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.

Whisper my favorite words: "I’ll buy it for you."

Who are the grateful dead and why do they keep following me?

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc?

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Why do people with so few clues have so much time?

With friends like these, who need hallucinations?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

You are here and this is the highlight of your day.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time–that should be enough for most purposes.

You can’t fall off the floor.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

You get what you settle for.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You’re only young once–after that you need another excuse.

Your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.

Your silliness has been noted.

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Funny One-liners

Funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that that would look great on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.

… yes, but not the inclination.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A cynic’s work is never done.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

A real friend isn’t someone you use and throw away. A real friend is someone you use again and again.

A splendid combination of talent and trouble…

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Actually, he’s more of a party mineral.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Advice is worth what you paid for it.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest – Mark Twain

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

And which dwarf are you?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out – Chekhov.

Any mental functions attempted in this area must be re-evaluated during a subsequent period. It has been discovered that standard logic works sideways in this area due to the influence of the occupant.

Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.

Any twelve people who can’t get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anything worth not doing is worth not doing well.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

As far as I’m concerned, all phone calls are obscene.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Axe me about Ebonics

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime – Balzac

Being weird isn’t enough.

Better living through denial.

Blessed are the cheesemakers??

Blithering Genius

Borrow money from pessimists… they don’t expect it back.

Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

Careful, I may be someone important.

Caution – I was not hired for my disposition.

Caution: Contents under pressure.

Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cynic: A person who has an accurate view of the world. Optimist: A cynic in the making. Pessimist: A cynic with a vivid memory

Cynic: n. Someone who sees things the way they really are.

Dare to think for yourself

Death or compliance – now that’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Department of Redundancy Department

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Desperately clinging to utopian illusions

Devious, cunning and inventive.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.

Dole for Pineapple.

Don’t be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.

Don’t believe everything you’re told.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Don’t eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They’re carrying.

Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too little to be let out alone.

Don’t mind me–I’ll just bleed.

Don’t panic. They’ll all be Taken Care Of.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Don’t take life seriously — it isn’t permanent.

Don’t try to engage my enthusiasm–I haven’t got one.

Don’t try to outweird me–I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don’t worry about the world ending today… It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia -then start worrying)

Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

Don’t you look at me in that tone of voice.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Dyslexics of the world – untie!

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

Earth is full. Go home.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Either I’ve been missing something, or nothing has been going on.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Ever get the impression that most netsurfers are actually monkeys searching for Shakespeare?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

Every organization appears to be headed by the secret agents of its enemies.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.

Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Feel safe tonight … Sleep with a cop.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Forms follow function. And often obliterates it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

Go on and try it. The worst you can do it make a fool of yourself in front of all your friends.

Go, and never darken my towels again – Groucho Marx

Gone crazy, be back shortly.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil – Machiavelli

Have an adequate day.

Have whatever kind of day you want.

He has a room temperature IQ.

He has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

He’s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heart attacks…god’s revenge for eating his animal friends

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born.

Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.

How about never? Is never good for you?

How can there be incompetence in the world? They don’t teach it in schools.

How do I know you’re not one of them?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …

Humpty Dumpty was pushed

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am glad the Old Masters are all dead. I only wish they had died sooner – Mark Twain

I am not a monotheist — the world looks as though it were designed by a committee.

I am the Imp of the Perverse – Knowing this won’t help you, either.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

I can see through your clothes

I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

I could say something brilliant at any moment!

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don’t have burnout, but I’m slightly singed.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I just don’t know…

I don’t like where this syllogism is going.

I don’t need you, you know–I can be lonely all by myself.

I don’t need your attitude, I have my own.

I don’t see you, so don’t pretend to be there.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I don’t work here; I’m a consultant.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes

I have no intention of telling you my real name

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

I have the body of a god …. Buddha

I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I know it all, I just can’t remember it simultaneously.

I like the way your mind malfunctions.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.

I never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.

I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think it’s hell.

I no longer fear hell — I’ve worked in Retail.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I souport publik edekasion

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I think – therefore I don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh

I think my brain has a mind of its own.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

I think we met in a past life and you were a dipstick then too.

I think you left the stove on.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I tried being reasonable once–I didn’t like it.

I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I was born weird — this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

I was raised to be charming, not sincere.

I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I’d like to speak with your inner baby-sitter.

I’d rather be dead.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I’m lost. I’ve gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m not depressed, I’m existentially challenged.

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

I’m not obnoxious, I’m verbally challenging.

I’m not panicking. I’m watching you panic. It’s much more entertaining.

I’m not shy — I’m studying my prey.

I’m not tense — just terribly alert.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence…

I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

I’ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.

I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If all else fails, read the directions.

If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice week.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If it doesn’t feel good – don’t do it twice.

If only the innocents knew…

If only there was some indication that the universe was doing it on purpose.

If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil…

If the music’s too loud, you’re too old

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If we quit voting will they all go away?

If you can’t dress weird, why dress at all?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you take me where I want to go, I’ll take you where you think we are.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

If you’re going down in flames, you might as well hit something big.

If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.

If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.

Illiterate? Write for help

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying "No hard feelings"

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Is it weird in here or is it me?

Is there a meaning to life? Sure, but it probably has something to do with corned beef.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

It is only trifles that irritate my nerves–Queen Victoria

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

It’s a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn’t understand.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

It’s been lovely but I have to scream now

It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

It’s hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.

It’s ok to do the right thing as long as you don’t get caught.

It’s polite to wait until you’re asked.

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