It’s funny. But sort of painfully true. That bit about Ikea smarts just a little, given our recent assemblages. 🙂 As funny as it is, though, not all gay relationships work this way, any more than all straight marriages end in divorce. This may be clever, but it’s ultimately self-defeating to think this way.
1. Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, “Who’d you call a faggot?” — Jon Stewart
2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. –Lorne Bloch
3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. –From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision. –Lynn Lavner
5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I’m giving them my share. –Rita Mae Brown
6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. –Letter to the Editor, The Advocate
7. You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. –Barry Goldwater
8. If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.” –Robin Tyler
9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? –Ernest Gaines
10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? –The Value of Families
11. I’d rather be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother. –Charles Pierce, 1980
12. That word “lesbian” sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they’re sure that they’re the cure. –Denise McCanles
13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. –Anita Bryant, 1977
14. If gays are granted rights, next we’ll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. –Anita Bryant
15. The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. –Dennis Miller
16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won’t be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. –Judy Carter
17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. –W. Somerset Maugham
18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t. –Author Unknown
19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, “all my Homosexual patients are quite sick” – to which I finally replied “so are all my heterosexual patients.” –Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. –Andrew G. Dehel
21. If male homosexuals are called “gay,” then female homosexuals should be called “ecstatic.” –Shelly Roberts
22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. –Amanda Bearse
23. Some women can’t say the word Lesbian…even when their mouth is full of one. –Kate Clinton
24. No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. –Author Unknown
25. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It’s like disapproving of rain. –Francis Maude
26. The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody. –Rita Mae Brown
27. ‘You could move.’ –Abigail Van Buren, “Dear Abby,” in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood
1. On the day of a gay wedding, it’s bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3. It’s customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.
4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it’s all carbs.
5. It’s considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6. During the first dance, it’s considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.
7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8. The father of the Bottom pays for everything!
as Justin points out on his site, “Ex-gay” people admit they have what they call ongoing “same gender attraction” (called SGA in the song) but claim they’re not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is “being attracted to some one of your own sex.)
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I’ve no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable
I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I’ve read 8 books on how to please my wife while I’m caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!]
From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists:
10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself”
9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years”
8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up”
7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake”
6. “At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan”
5. “The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?”
4. “A Look at the Governor’s Balls”
3. “Politicians Who Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth”
2. “How to Push Through a Bill – Or a Steve or a Larry…”
1. “Why I Don’t Like Bush”
Coffee (espresso grind)
2 tubes K-Y
Fresh fava beans
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astroglide
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco
1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You’re the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don’t know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
23. You’ve always got an opinion.
24. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You’re the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn’t actually an insult.
32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don’t even know – like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You’ve called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don’t give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party’s over.
59. You know where to go after the party’s over.
60. You’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn’t necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. You know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
67. If your cat is a female, you swear it’s a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it’s a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand By Your Man."
69. You’ve been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You’ll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
73. You’ve left someone totally speechless.
74. You’ve shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
86. You’re Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88. Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes you’ve added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and ‘important issues" can be about hair.
90. You’ve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) Steel Magnolias
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 9412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 8136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you’re in Kansas, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.