Funny Lists

Guaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’ 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic

Read on »

Message of Welcome to the UU Church

As we welcome our new members and visitors, it is only fair to let them know what we Unitarian Universalists are like and what we expect. We are friendly. If you are not friendly, out you go! We are genuine people. Even our phonies are real phonies. We are always sincere, even if we have

Read on »

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

You think socks are too formal for a Summer service. You know at least 5 ways to say “Happy holidays!” Your idea of a guy’s night out is going to a N.O.W. rally. Unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch. You refer to construction paper as “paper of color.” The name of your church

Read on »

Rejected Openings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

From theonering.net One morning, when Harry Potter woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single wizard in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wand. The sky above Privet Drive was the color of television,

Read on »

Say what now?

Alternate meanings for common words. Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers

Read on »

Queer Quotes

Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, “Who’d you call a faggot?” — Jon Stewart

Read on »

Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding

1. On the day of a gay wedding, it’s bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym. 2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty. 3. It’s customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an

Read on »

Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book

From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists: 10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself” 9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years” 8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up” 7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake” 6. “At First I Just Thought

Read on »

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand

Read on »

Deja… What?

Author: Stacy Mineart A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister. Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu: Deja boo: The feeling that I’ve been frightened like this before Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before. Deja clue: The feeling that

Read on »

10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

author unknown 1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love ("The Way We Were," "Titanic," most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things

Read on »

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Author Unknown ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing. PAT BUCHANAN:

Read on »

More Things I Learned From The Movies

Signals If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at

Read on »

Permutations of Borg…

Author Unknown Uuuh, this is like, Butt-Head of Borg. Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh. You will be ass-eliminated, or something. Uh, huh huh huh. Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh m heh heh heh. That’s pretty cool. Ass-eliminated. Heh heh heh heh. This is Buzzcut of Borg. You WILL be assimilated.

Read on »

Bad Halloween Jokes

Author Unknown Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry? A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle! Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit ! Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A.

Read on »

100+ Funny British Place Names

April 26, 2013 update from Steph: Updated this page to add links to as many of the towns and streets as I could find in google maps. I originally added this list to my site on September 26, 2005, but I never verified whether the names were real places or not, until someone asked in

Read on »

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

Author Unknown 20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail." 15. Fire

Read on »

Republicans Announce Convention Event Schedule

Courtesy of Rich Procter at The Smirking Chimp: The following is the “first final” list of events for the Republican National Convention in New York City, August 30 to September 2. AUGUST 30 6 p.m. – OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who

Read on »

Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official.

Read on »

New List of Appropriate Language For Work

It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

Read on »

New Office Lingo

Author Unknown Adminisphere: Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Read on »

Things You Learn About Computers In The Movies…

Author Unknown Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display 2 inch high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells

Read on »

Things Not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

Read on »

Company Christmas Party Memo

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

Read on »

A Martha Stewart Christmas

The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post’s "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart’s December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)

Read on »

The 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays

Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

Read on »

Sports Teams with Funny Names

I got a bunch of questions about why I posted all these sports teams… um, because their names are funny. See? Appleknockers! That’s a real team name! Ha! Funny! Okay, maybe it’s just me. But my cousins went to a school where the team name is “The Maroons.” You can guess how some people pronounced

Read on »

Cat Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If I saw it first, it’s mine. 3. If it’s in my paw, it’s mine. 4. If it looks like mine, it’s mine. 5. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 6. If I can take it away from you, it’s mine. 7. If

Read on »

Politically correct cat definitions

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator. My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job. My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools. My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity. My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. My

Read on »

Rules for cats to live by

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered

Read on »

Cat Psychological Test

Answer the following questions to determine if your cat has psychological problems that require treatment by a professional therapist. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating? Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in

Read on »

Top Willow/Tara euphemisms for Sex

I found this, and must repeat it on my site: TOP *THIRTEEN* WILLOW/TARA EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX 13. Searching the Nether Realms 12. Practicing Dianic rituals 11. Not driving stick 10. Working as a “single delicate implement” 9. Dripping wax on the Wymmin Power Shrine 8. Doing the “Wiccan Wiggle” 7. Riding the broomstick 6. Plucking

Read on »

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

Author Unknown General Motors doesn’t have a "help line" for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if they did? HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE:

Read on »

Computer One-Liners

Author Unknown Home is where you hang your @ The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the

Read on »

Darwin Awards 2001

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Read on »

Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

Author Unknown 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna. 5.

Read on »

Jewish English or ‘Hebonics’

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

Read on »

Darwin Awards 2000

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Read on »

Accidental Accident Reports

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

Read on »

Student Bloopers, Part 7 – Science Facts & Legends

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’

Read on »

The Wisdom Of Supermodels

Note: Most of these quotes have been debunked on Snopes.com as untrue. ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, ‘Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.’" -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to

Read on »

Travel Agent Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents… A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

Read on »

Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

Read on »

Actual Job Interview Excerpts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

Read on »

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. At the evening service tonight, the

Read on »

What To Do If An Anaconda Attacks You

Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

Read on »

Actual Newpaper Ads

These ads supposedly appeared in real papers. "Bite the wax tadpole." – Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." – ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." – Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad "Retraction:

Read on »

Military Aircraft Registration Card

This was actually posted as a joke very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) – and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas, now a part of Boeing, is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft.)

Read on »

The Ultimate Email Urban Legend

Author Unknown A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken. After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky

Read on »

One-Liners From Your Favorite Comics

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen A study in the Washington Post

Read on »

101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex

author unknown 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is

Read on »

Techno Toasters

Author Unknown If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your

Read on »

Watch Out For These Computer Viruses

Author Unknown Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline Luggage Virus: You’re in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting with them as

Read on »

Computer Geek T-Shirts

Author Unknown Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My software never

Read on »

Business Horoscopes

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Read on »

Computer Definitions

404: Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

Read on »

The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 – Number of the Millibeast / 666 – Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1) =

Read on »

Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown He had only one major publication. It was in Hebrew. It had no references. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The

Read on »

Top 12 Sexual Lines in Star Wars

1. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid. 2. Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough! 3. Look at the size of that thing! 4. Sorry about the mess… 5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought. 6. Aren’t you a little short for

Read on »

How To Write Good

by Frank L. Visco and others Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas. It is wrong to ever split an

Read on »

How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name

Author Unknown For your new first name: 1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name 2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name. For your new last name: 3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name 4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you

Read on »

English Subtitles

From Harper’s Magazine July issue From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty,

Read on »

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

Author Unknown 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper." 9. "One-a-day, like iron." 8. "Get a piece of the rock." 7. "You’ve come a long way, baby." 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em." 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." 4. "Tastes great, more filling." 3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

Read on »

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Author Unknown Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie. Oh no! I

Read on »

Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

author unknown 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma!

Read on »

Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials

Author Unknown While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an

Read on »

Revised State Mottoes

Author Unknown Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! – or – But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang California: As Seen on TV

Read on »

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

Author Unknown If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had

Read on »

Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Author Unknown Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err." Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid." Iguana: "The other green meat." Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If

Read on »

Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

author unknown 12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here." 11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!" 10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery." 9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account? 8. All of the

Read on »

What Not To Say To The Police

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are

Read on »

Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

Author Unknown How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out! The Cat in the Microwave Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Your Colon Can Moo-Can You? The Fox in Detox The Grinch’s Ten Inches One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch Zippy the Gerbil My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

Read on »

Very Short Books

Author Unknown A Guide to Arab Democracies A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean America’s Most Popular Lawyers

Read on »

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is

Read on »

Great Oxymorons

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline Food Almost exactly Alone together American history British fashion Business ethics Butt head Childproof Christian scientists Clearly misunderstood Computer jock Computer security Definite maybe Diet ice cream Exact estimate Extinct Life Found missing French bravery Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Legally drunk Living dead Microsoft Works

Read on »

Peter’s Evil Overlord List

This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached. See Peter’s List for a more complete, complex version. Being an Evil Overlord seems to be

Read on »

New Metric Conversions

Author Unknown 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millilaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations

Read on »

Strange Bedfellows

Author Unknown If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d

Read on »

The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

Author Unknown 16. We’re working on that smell thing, too. 15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets

Read on »

Children’s Books You’ll Never See

These were from a Washington Post contest: "You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)

Read on »

Kennedy – Lincoln Similarities

Author Unknown Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names

Read on »

The F Word

Author Unknown Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked

Read on »

New Scientist Fantasy Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are some past winners: Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses). Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on

Read on »

What Should I Major In?

Author Unknown To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens

Read on »

Dog Breeds That Didn’t Make It

Author Unknown Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water

Read on »

Cowboy’s Guide to Life

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Never squat with yer spurs on. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt

Read on »

Rules of Chocolate

Author Unknown If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it

Read on »

What you should know about Chain Letters

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it’s true". Furthermore, just

Read on »

Cartoon Laws of Physics

Author Unknown Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes

Read on »

Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn

By Dave Barry 1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The

Read on »

Funny Anagrams

Author Unknown An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Dormitory == Dirty Room Evangelist == Evil’s Agent Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em Animosity ==

Read on »

"Bar Speak" – what they really mean

Author Unknown So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means? "I’ll get this one, next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll

Read on »

Funny Quotes

You coveteth my ice cream bar, but you cannot have it. I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child.
— Ren, from Ren and Stimpy

Read on »

Funny Shakespeare

Hamlet is a course and barbarous play. One might think thework is a product of a drunken savage’s imagination. – Voltaire Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or are they just pretending to be mad? Birnam Wood Reunion Staff If I were Juliet, we’d have got away If I were Romeo, we’d have got

Read on »

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Make race car noises when people get on and off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just

Read on »

Quayle Quotes

Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.

Read on »

Darwin Awards 1999

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Read on »

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Author Unknown Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try

Read on »

Top 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your

Read on »

Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

Author Unknown A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you’d have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d

Read on »

If Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk

Read on »

College Glossary

Author Unknown ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record. ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend." ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves. BIOLOGY: (n)

Read on »

Cheddarhead Dictionary

If you think you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native… you’re dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey. For your enjoyment, here’s an updated list of Wisconsinisms. This stuff drives a spell checker crazy.

Read on »

Darwin Awards 1998

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Read on »

So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question… I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. It gives my mother something to live for. It didn’t seem worth a blood test. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And

Read on »

Down South Valentine

author unknown Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I

Read on »

Bart’s Chalkboard

The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down many of the sentences that Bart writes on the chalkboard.

Read on »

The Beer Bill of Rights

Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

Read on »

Ode To The Malty Brew

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no

Read on »

New Government Warnings on Alcohol

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few additional warning may be appropriate.

Read on »

Things Adults Learn from Kids

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong

Read on »

The Boss

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Read on »

Darwin Awards 1997

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Read on »

Darwin Awards 1996

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Read on »

Some lesbian jokes, removed

Author Unknown Post from February 10, 1996 is REDACTED. 2013 Update: I removed the list that was “funny rules of lesbian living” from this site because I’ve been undergoing a harassment campaign from the woman who claims to have originated the list, threatening me with a cease and desist and threatening to report me to

Read on »

Are YOU a Problem Thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

Read on »