1. Your house plants are alive & you can’t smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song
Read on »Posts Tagged: funny lists
Guaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’ 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic
Read on »Merry Christmas 2008!
I’ll be taking a few days off from hanging out on the internet in order to spend time with family and friends. Here are several Christmas hits from years past for your holiday enjoyment: The Three Kings Of Cologne — A Legend Of The Middle Ages You Might Be A Scrooge If… Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
Read on »A Message To The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd
Note: This is from one of those fun email forwards… When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning… uphill BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda. And I remember promising
Read on »Message of Welcome to the UU Church
As we welcome our new members and visitors, it is only fair to let them know what we Unitarian Universalists are like and what we expect. We are friendly. If you are not friendly, out you go! We are genuine people. Even our phonies are real phonies. We are always sincere, even if we have
Read on »How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It Takes 300: 12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee. 5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee. 8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses
Read on »You may be a Unitarian Universalist if:
You think socks are too formal for a Summer service. You know at least 5 ways to say “Happy holidays!” Your idea of a guy’s night out is going to a N.O.W. rally. Unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch. You refer to construction paper as “paper of color.” The name of your church
Read on »100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra
Read on »Even More One-Liners
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Read on »Funny One-liners
Funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that that would look great on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.
Read on »Rejected Openings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
From theonering.net One morning, when Harry Potter woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single wizard in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wand. The sky above Privet Drive was the color of television,
Read on »Recent Fortune Cookies
From lunch today at Changs: Your skills will accomplish what the force of many cannot. Damn. I better get some skills quick. Seriously, though, this is one of the better fortunes I’ve ever received. Be neater if it were true. From lunch last week at Changs: Everywhere you choose to go, friendly faces will greet
Read on »Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Read on »Say what now?
Alternate meanings for common words. Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers
Read on »Valentines Day Quotes
I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. — Dorothy Parker
Read on »Today’s Fortune Cookie
“Everything will now come your way.” Um, at first I thought “Great!” because I’m waiting for the new laptop. (Is that like “Waiting for Godot“?) But then I started to worry – what if I need a helmet?
Read on »Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book
From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists: 10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself” 9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years” 8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up” 7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake” 6. “At First I Just Thought
Read on »How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand
Read on »Deja… What?
Author: Stacy Mineart A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister. Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu: Deja boo: The feeling that I’ve been frightened like this before Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before. Deja clue: The feeling that
Read on »Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Author Unknown ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing. PAT BUCHANAN:
Read on »You Know You’re From Indiana When…
This page gets name-checked in a YouTube video critique of the list, from nthecgirl88. You’ve never met any celebrities. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. "Vacation" means driving through Amish Country or going to the State Fair. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten
Read on »You Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70’s If:
This is the most accurate of these lists I have ever seen! I’ve checked off all the ones that are mine. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other… You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobby Easy Bake Oven.
Read on »List of Signature Phrases
Wikipedia has a great list of signature phrases — the unique lines associated with real or fictional characters, and they cover a lot of territory. Read it over; it will bring back some memories. # “Aciao good night!” (Aciao bonsoir!) – P.P.D. the puppet in the French satiric show Les Guignols de l’Info, at the
Read on »Fun Things To Do At WalMart
Set up a tent in the camping department tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Read on »Fun Things To Do in the Office
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
Read on »Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Read on »Points to Ponder… Why Ask Why?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Read on »Cynics Guide to Life
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Read on »Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that." Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
Read on »You Have Had Too Much Of The 90’s If …
You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
Read on »Permutations of Borg…
Author Unknown Uuuh, this is like, Butt-Head of Borg. Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh. You will be ass-eliminated, or something. Uh, huh huh huh. Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh m heh heh heh. That’s pretty cool. Ass-eliminated. Heh heh heh heh. This is Buzzcut of Borg. You WILL be assimilated.
Read on »The Drunkard’s To Do List
by Frank Rich
Read on »Blonde Joke
I’m not a fan of blonde jokes, being blonde myself, but this one is darned funny!!
Read on »Ten Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex
If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
Read on »Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
Read on »A Halloween Story
A Halloween Story Author Unknown A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a……. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
Read on »Bad Halloween Jokes
Author Unknown Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry? A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle! Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit ! Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A.
Read on »Fun Things To Do Anywhere
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Read on »The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.
Read on »How to Sing the Blues
A Primer For Beginners
Read on »The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers
Author Unknown 20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail." 15. Fire
Read on »Computer One-Liners
Author Unknown Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore? (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend it didn’t happen? Any given program will expand to fit available memory plus 1K Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something Calm down — it’s only ones and zeroes Computers are like the Old Testament God — lots of
Read on »You Know You Work for An American Corporation When…
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Read on »New Job Interview Techniques
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
Read on »100 Best Things About Being a Gay Man
1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with. 2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka. 3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets. 4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil. 5. You understand the immense importance of good
Read on »What Is An Irishman?
Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.
Read on »Three Irish Brothers
The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
Read on »Golfing in Ireland
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.
Read on »Laffy Taffy Jokes (the worst jokes in the world)
These jokes came from the Laffy Taffy Candy; we don’t vouch for their quality because we didn’t make them up.
Read on »Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector
Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official.
Read on »New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.
Read on »New List of Appropriate Language For Work
It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
Read on »Major U.S. Research University Discovers New Element
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
Read on »New Office Lingo
Author Unknown Adminisphere: Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Read on »How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters.
Read on »The Laws of Work
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"
Read on »How Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters
How ’bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Read on »Things Not to Say When Hanging the Lights
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
Read on »Signs You Won’t Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year
Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
Read on »Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas But Aren’t
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Read on »Fun Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
Read on »Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree
Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
Read on »You Might Be A Scrooge If…
If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog – you just might be a Scrooge
Read on »The 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays
Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).
Read on »Cat Property Laws
1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If I saw it first, it’s mine. 3. If it’s in my paw, it’s mine. 4. If it looks like mine, it’s mine. 5. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 6. If I can take it away from you, it’s mine. 7. If
Read on »Politically correct cat definitions
My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator. My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job. My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools. My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity. My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. My
Read on »Rules for cats to live by
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered
Read on »Top Willow/Tara euphemisms for Sex
I found this, and must repeat it on my site: TOP *THIRTEEN* WILLOW/TARA EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX 13. Searching the Nether Realms 12. Practicing Dianic rituals 11. Not driving stick 10. Working as a “single delicate implement” 9. Dripping wax on the Wymmin Power Shrine 8. Doing the “Wiccan Wiggle” 7. Riding the broomstick 6. Plucking
Read on »Computer One-Liners
Author Unknown Home is where you hang your @ The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the
Read on »11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
Read on »Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Read on »You Know You’re Gay When…
You Know You’re Gay When… You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
Read on »Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
Author Unknown 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna. 5.
Read on »Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!" Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In
Read on »Fun Things to Do in Your Car
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Honk and wave to strangers. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Specify that your drive-through order
Read on »Silly State Laws
North Carolina: It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
Read on »Customer "Support" At A Phone Company
I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty.
Read on »Accidental Accident Reports
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
Read on »In the Park
Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:
Read on »The Landing
This is in fact a true letter written by an 8-year-old onboard a Quantus flight. She handed it to a flight attendant to give to the captain.
Read on »Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
Read on »College Chemistry Humor
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Read on »Actual News Headlines
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Read on »English as a Fifth Language
These sayings were on a pad of paper my boss got in Chinatown:
Read on »Actual Driving School Exam Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Read on »Student Bloopers, Part 8 – Mars and Venus
Remember the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Well, here’s a prime example of the differences between Men and Women offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University
Read on »Student Bloopers, Part 7 – Science Facts & Legends
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’
Read on »Student Bloopers, Part 6 – High School Essay Contest: Worst Analogies
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Read on »Student Bloopers, Part 5 – Quotes from 11 Year-Old’s Science Exams
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
Read on »Student Bloopers, Part 4 – Where They Get It
A list of parental excuses supposedly sent to teachers. In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect innocent and guilty alike.
Read on »Student Bloopers, Part 3 – Children’s Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
Read on »Student Bloopers Part 2 – World History
Author: Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School One of thefringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through
Read on »Student Bloopers, Part 1 – European History
Those who forget history–and the English language–may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students’ more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.
Read on »The Wisdom Of Supermodels
Note: Most of these quotes have been debunked on Snopes.com as untrue. ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, ‘Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.’" -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to
Read on »Travel Agent Stories
The following are actual stories told by travel agents… A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
Read on »The Bricklayer’s Accident Report
This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer’s report:
Read on »Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
Read on »Actual Job Interview Excerpts
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
Read on »My Manager Really Said This
A magazine recently ran a Dilbert quotes contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions
Read on »More Kid’s Wisdom
Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
Read on »Kids Say The Darndest Things
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute, very enlightening, and amusing.
Read on »Children’s Letters to God
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane
Read on »Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. At the evening service tonight, the
Read on »So You Think You’re Having A Bad Day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
Read on »What To Do If An Anaconda Attacks You
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
Read on »What the Airport Gate Attendants Think of You
Nick says: This was given to me by an Continetal airline gate attendant at Newark International Airport. We had been standing around chatting for a couple of hours while a plane was flown in to take me on a MUCH delayed flight.
Read on »Air Force Maintenance Complaints
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Read on »Airplane Landings
Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines.
Read on »Airplane Maintenance Reports
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Read on »Actual Newpaper Ads
These ads supposedly appeared in real papers. "Bite the wax tadpole." – Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." – ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." – Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad "Retraction:
Read on »Love, Lust and Marriage
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Read on »Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Man
How sweet, you brought incense.
Read on »101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex
author unknown 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is
Read on »If God Were A Computer Programmer
Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.
Read on »Techno Toasters
Author Unknown If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your
Read on »Watch Out For These Computer Viruses
Author Unknown Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline Luggage Virus: You’re in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting with them as
Read on »Computer Geek T-Shirts
Author Unknown Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My software never
Read on »The Office Personality Test
Every office has an Office Spaz, an Office Psycho, an Office Lump, and an Office Martyr. Which one are you?
Read on »Thoughts From The Workplace…
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Read on »Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
Read on »Who Should Be The Manager
The brain said, Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager.
Read on »12 Tips for Managers and Bosses
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Read on »Business Horoscopes
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
Read on »Computer Definitions
404: Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."
Read on »Three Proofs That Jesus Was…
Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into his father’s business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a
Read on »The Numbers of the Beast
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 – Number of the Millibeast / 666 – Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1) =
Read on »Church Humor…
Author Unknown Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please
Read on »Why God Never Received a Ph.D.
Author Unknown He had only one major publication. It was in Hebrew. It had no references. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The
Read on »How To Write Good
by Frank L. Visco and others Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas. It is wrong to ever split an
Read on »How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name
Author Unknown For your new first name: 1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name 2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name. For your new last name: 3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name 4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you
Read on »Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra
Author Unknown 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper." 9. "One-a-day, like iron." 8. "Get a piece of the rock." 7. "You’ve come a long way, baby." 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em." 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." 4. "Tastes great, more filling." 3. "Viagra, built ram tough."
Read on »Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
Author Unknown Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie. Oh no! I
Read on »Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire
author unknown 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma!
Read on »Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials
Author Unknown While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an
Read on »Revised State Mottoes
Author Unknown Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! – or – But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang California: As Seen on TV
Read on »Questions to Ponder about Viagra
Author Unknown If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had
Read on »Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
Author Unknown Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err." Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid." Iguana: "The other green meat." Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If
Read on »Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet
author unknown 12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here." 11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!" 10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery." 9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account? 8. All of the
Read on »What Not To Say To The Police
p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are
Read on »Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher
Author Unknown How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out! The Cat in the Microwave Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Your Colon Can Moo-Can You? The Fox in Detox The Grinch’s Ten Inches One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch Zippy the Gerbil My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
Read on »Very Short Books
Author Unknown A Guide to Arab Democracies A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean America’s Most Popular Lawyers
Read on »When your professor says this…. he really means this…
Author Unknown This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this. My office hours are by appointment only = I like to get out of here early. Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. = I’ll be fudging your grades. This won’t be on the test. =
Read on »A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is
Read on »Great Oxymorons
p class=”author”>Author Unknown Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline Food Almost exactly Alone together American history British fashion Business ethics Butt head Childproof Christian scientists Clearly misunderstood Computer jock Computer security Definite maybe Diet ice cream Exact estimate Extinct Life Found missing French bravery Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Legally drunk Living dead Microsoft Works
Read on »New Metric Conversions
Author Unknown 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millilaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations
Read on »Strange Bedfellows
Author Unknown If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d
Read on »The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
Author Unknown 16. We’re working on that smell thing, too. 15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets
Read on »Children’s Books You’ll Never See
These were from a Washington Post contest: "You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)
Read on »Kennedy – Lincoln Similarities
Author Unknown Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names
Read on »The F Word
Author Unknown Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked
Read on »New Scientist Fantasy Headlines
New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are some past winners: Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses). Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on
Read on »What Should I Major In?
Author Unknown To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens
Read on »Dog Breeds That Didn’t Make It
Author Unknown Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water
Read on »Cowboy’s Guide to Life
p class=”author”>Author Unknown Never squat with yer spurs on. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt
Read on »Rules of Chocolate
Author Unknown If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it
Read on »What you should know about Chain Letters
p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it’s true". Furthermore, just
Read on »Cartoon Laws of Physics
Author Unknown Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes
Read on »Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill
Author Unknown Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
Read on »Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn
By Dave Barry 1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The
Read on »Funny Anagrams
Author Unknown An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Dormitory == Dirty Room Evangelist == Evil’s Agent Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em Animosity ==
Read on »"Bar Speak" – what they really mean
Author Unknown So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means? "I’ll get this one, next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll
Read on »You Might Be A Yankee If:
You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. You don’t know what a moon pie is. You’ve never had grain alcohol. You’ve never, ever, eaten okra. You eat
Read on »You Know You Are From Wisconsin When …
Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday. You define summer as three months of bad sledding. Snow tires come standard on all your cars. You refer to the Packers as "we." You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week. You can identify an Illinois accent.. You know what cow-tipping
Read on »Top 40 Things A Southerner Never Says
The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening. . . 40. "Ellen and Anne make such a nice couple." 39. "I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000,
Read on »You Know You Are From A Small Town If…
You were in 4-H. You know what 4-H is. You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. School gets canceled for state events. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school. Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names. Your teachers
Read on »You Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…
You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your
Read on »You Know You Live in San Francisco When…
Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none are visible. When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think steak. You think danger. You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live. You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent. You keep a
Read on »You Might Be a Republican if…
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You’ve named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two" You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You’ve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You’ve ever tried
Read on »You might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all." Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
Read on »You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…
Sounds special, doesn’t it? I think we are special, and hopefully you will too. Everyone has heard of rednecks by now, but traditional redneck humor either leaves out the ladies, or is incredibly harsh. Well, no more! Please read on – you may find yourself or someone you know!. You Might Be A Redneck Goddess
Read on »You Might Be A Minnesotan If…
You measure distance in minutes. Weather is 80% of your conversation. Down south to you means Iowa. You call highways "freeways." Snow tires came standard on your car. You have no concept of public transportation. 75% of your graduating high school class went to the Univ. of Minnesota. You know more than 1 person that
Read on »You Know You’ve Already Grown Up When…
1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. You keep more food than beer in your fridge. 3. 6 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 4. You hear your favorite song on the elevator. 5. You carry an umbrella and watch the Weather Channel. 6. You don’t remember when Taco
Read on »You Might Be A Goth If …
You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit You like to play dead in public You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper" The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a
Read on »You’re Lost Between "Baby Boomer" and "Generation X" If…
You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart. You’ve ever rung someone’s doorbell and said "Landshark!" You were once bowled over by the technological
Read on »You Know You’re Stuck in The 80’s If…
Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome" You’re still bitter that Wham! broke up Punky Brewster is your hero You type all of your term papers on
Read on »You Know That You Are Too Drunk When…
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6. The back of your head keeps getting
Read on »You Know You’re Not in College Anymore When…
You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal. It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m. Three words: Student Loan Payments. You make
Read on »You Might Be a College Student If…
You have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match. You consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. You have ever written a check for 45 cents. You have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. You have ever
Read on »You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffeepot clean. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take
Read on »A Student’s Guide To Bawstin
(for all of you who were not bon heah) By John Powers, Globe Staff:09/11/97 The truth, now. How many of you said "Boston University" to the cabbie at Logan Airport and ended up at Boston College? You’re right. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. The cabbie knew you weren’t bon heah, so he took you for a
Read on »You Know You’re In America When…
A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance. There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. People order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. People leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
Read on »Top Ten Questions on the Indiana University Basketball Coach Application
Do you feel you have a proper disrespect for authority?
Read on »Funny Shakespeare
Hamlet is a course and barbarous play. One might think thework is a product of a drunken savage’s imagination. – Voltaire Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or are they just pretending to be mad? Birnam Wood Reunion Staff If I were Juliet, we’d have got away If I were Romeo, we’d have got
Read on »SciFi / Fantasy / SCA / D&D Jokes
Berserkers do it without thinking
Read on »Little Known “Facts”
Many of these “facts” have been debunked at one time or another on snopes.com. So take them with a grain of salt.
Read on »One-Liners About Cats
A home without a cat–and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat–may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? — Mark Twain
Read on »One-Liners About Books
They got the library at Alexandria — they’re not getting mine.
Read on »Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Make race car noises when people get on and off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just
Read on »You Know You Work In The ’90s When…
You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.
Read on »The 8 Worst Convenience Foods
By PENMART10@aol.com
Read on »The Wedding
It’s not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She’s not marrying the best man.
Read on »Top 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your
Read on »Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like
author unknown 10. Hey! There’s a gift. 9. Well, well, well… 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit. 7. Perfect for wearing in the basement. 6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! 5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious! 4. I Love it, but I
Read on »Humorous American Signs
On an Electrician’s truck – Let us remove your shorts
Read on »Humorous English Signs From Around The World
Sometimes things just get lost in translation…
Read on »Darwin Awards 1998
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Read on »So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?
Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question… I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. It gives my mother something to live for. It didn’t seem worth a blood test. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And
Read on »Total Eclipse of Communication
Tomorrow morning at nine o’ clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It’s a pity that we can’t see this happen everyday.
Read on »Great Business Mergers
If only these companies would merge…
Read on »12 Signs You’re Suffering From Work Burnout
You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know your cellphone will go off before your alarm does.
Read on »Does Santa Exist? A Scientific Inquiry
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal, SPY magazine (January, 1997) — I am pleased to present a scientific inquiry into the existence of Santa Claus.
Read on »Fun Stuff to Do On Usenet
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu Post a message asking how to post messages. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
Read on »How to Handle Stress
Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail. Dance
Read on »Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative
If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment.
Read on »Fun Things To Do in a Final Exam
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Read on »What’s Your Sign? (And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?)
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!
Read on »Bart’s Chalkboard
The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down many of the sentences that Bart writes on the chalkboard.
Read on »What Your Car Says About You
Acura Integra — I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Read on »The Beer Bill of Rights
Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.
Read on »Ode To The Malty Brew
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
Read on »New Government Warnings on Alcohol
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few additional warning may be appropriate.
Read on »Things Adults Learn from Kids
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
Read on »The Boss
Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
Read on »Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time on a project, you’re slow. When your boss takes a long time on a project, she/he’s thorough.
Read on »25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
It’s an incentive to show up.
Read on »Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
They told me at the blood bank this might happen!
Read on »Darwin Awards 1997
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Read on »6 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay
The Purse doesn’t match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really, clash-o-rama.
Read on »You Know You’re a Queen if:
If you regularly use the phrase window treatment, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
Read on »A Few Holiday Favorites With A Gay Twist
Funny gay songs for the holidays.
Read on »Some lesbian jokes, removed
Author Unknown Post from February 10, 1996 is REDACTED. 2013 Update: I removed the list that was “funny rules of lesbian living” from this site because I’ve been undergoing a harassment campaign from the woman who claims to have originated the list, threatening me with a cease and desist and threatening to report me to
Read on »Are YOU a Problem Thinker?
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
Read on »