Posts Tagged: funny lists

25 ways to know you’re grown up

1. Your house plants are alive & you can’t smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song

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Guaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’ 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic

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Merry Christmas 2008!

I’ll be taking a few days off from hanging out on the internet in order to spend time with family and friends. Here are several Christmas hits from years past for your holiday enjoyment: The Three Kings Of Cologne — A Legend Of The Middle Ages You Might Be A Scrooge If… Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

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A Message To The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd

Note: This is from one of those fun email forwards… When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning… uphill BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda. And I remember promising

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Message of Welcome to the UU Church

As we welcome our new members and visitors, it is only fair to let them know what we Unitarian Universalists are like and what we expect. We are friendly. If you are not friendly, out you go! We are genuine people. Even our phonies are real phonies. We are always sincere, even if we have

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You may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

You think socks are too formal for a Summer service. You know at least 5 ways to say “Happy holidays!” Your idea of a guy’s night out is going to a N.O.W. rally. Unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch. You refer to construction paper as “paper of color.” The name of your church

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100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra

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Rejected Openings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

From theonering.net One morning, when Harry Potter woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single wizard in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wand. The sky above Privet Drive was the color of television,

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Recent Fortune Cookies

From lunch today at Changs: Your skills will accomplish what the force of many cannot. Damn. I better get some skills quick. Seriously, though, this is one of the better fortunes I’ve ever received. Be neater if it were true. From lunch last week at Changs: Everywhere you choose to go, friendly faces will greet

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Say what now?

Alternate meanings for common words. Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers

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Today’s Fortune Cookie

“Everything will now come your way.” Um, at first I thought “Great!” because I’m waiting for the new laptop. (Is that like “Waiting for Godot“?) But then I started to worry – what if I need a helmet?

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Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book

From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists: 10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself” 9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years” 8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up” 7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake” 6. “At First I Just Thought

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How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand

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Deja… What?

Author: Stacy Mineart A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister. Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu: Deja boo: The feeling that I’ve been frightened like this before Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before. Deja clue: The feeling that

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Author Unknown ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing. PAT BUCHANAN:

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You Know You’re From Indiana When…

This page gets name-checked in a YouTube video critique of the list, from nthecgirl88. You’ve never met any celebrities. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. "Vacation" means driving through Amish Country or going to the State Fair. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten

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You Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70’s If:

This is the most accurate of these lists I have ever seen! I’ve checked off all the ones that are mine. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other… You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobby Easy Bake Oven.

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List of Signature Phrases

Wikipedia has a great list of signature phrases — the unique lines associated with real or fictional characters, and they cover a lot of territory. Read it over; it will bring back some memories. # “Aciao good night!” (Aciao bonsoir!) – P.P.D. the puppet in the French satiric show Les Guignols de l’Info, at the

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Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that." Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence

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Permutations of Borg…

Author Unknown Uuuh, this is like, Butt-Head of Borg. Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh. You will be ass-eliminated, or something. Uh, huh huh huh. Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh m heh heh heh. That’s pretty cool. Ass-eliminated. Heh heh heh heh. This is Buzzcut of Borg. You WILL be assimilated.

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A Halloween Story

A Halloween Story Author Unknown A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….           BUMP…           BUMP…           BUMP… behind him.           Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an

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Bad Halloween Jokes

Author Unknown Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry? A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle! Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit ! Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A.

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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

Author Unknown 20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail." 15. Fire

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Computer One-Liners

Author Unknown Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore? (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend it didn’t happen? Any given program will expand to fit available memory plus 1K Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something Calm down — it’s only ones and zeroes Computers are like the Old Testament God — lots of

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New Job Interview Techniques

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

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100 Best Things About Being a Gay Man

1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with. 2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka. 3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets. 4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil. 5. You understand the immense importance of good

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Three Irish Brothers

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

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Golfing in Ireland

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.

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Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official.

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New List of Appropriate Language For Work

It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

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New Office Lingo

Author Unknown Adminisphere: Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

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Things Not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

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The 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays

Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

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Cat Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If I saw it first, it’s mine. 3. If it’s in my paw, it’s mine. 4. If it looks like mine, it’s mine. 5. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 6. If I can take it away from you, it’s mine. 7. If

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Politically correct cat definitions

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator. My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job. My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools. My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity. My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. My

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Rules for cats to live by

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered

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Top Willow/Tara euphemisms for Sex

I found this, and must repeat it on my site: TOP *THIRTEEN* WILLOW/TARA EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX 13. Searching the Nether Realms 12. Practicing Dianic rituals 11. Not driving stick 10. Working as a “single delicate implement” 9. Dripping wax on the Wymmin Power Shrine 8. Doing the “Wiccan Wiggle” 7. Riding the broomstick 6. Plucking

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Computer One-Liners

Author Unknown Home is where you hang your @ The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the

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Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

Author Unknown 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna. 5.

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Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!" Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In

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Fun Things to Do in Your Car

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Honk and wave to strangers. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Specify that your drive-through order

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Customer "Support" At A Phone Company

I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty.

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Accidental Accident Reports

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

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The Landing

This is in fact a true letter written by an 8-year-old onboard a Quantus flight. She handed it to a flight attendant to give to the captain.

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College Chemistry Humor

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

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Student Bloopers, Part 7 – Science Facts & Legends

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’

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Student Bloopers Part 2 – World History

Author: Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School One of thefringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through

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Student Bloopers, Part 1 – European History

Those who forget history–and the English language–may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students’ more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.

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The Wisdom Of Supermodels

Note: Most of these quotes have been debunked on Snopes.com as untrue. ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, ‘Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.’" -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to

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Travel Agent Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents… A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

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Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

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Actual Job Interview Excerpts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

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Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. At the evening service tonight, the

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So You Think You’re Having A Bad Day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

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What To Do If An Anaconda Attacks You

Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

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Actual Newpaper Ads

These ads supposedly appeared in real papers. "Bite the wax tadpole." – Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." – ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." – Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad "Retraction:

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101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex

author unknown 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is

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Techno Toasters

Author Unknown If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your

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Watch Out For These Computer Viruses

Author Unknown Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline Luggage Virus: You’re in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting with them as

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Computer Geek T-Shirts

Author Unknown Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. My software never

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Business Horoscopes

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

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Computer Definitions

404: Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

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Three Proofs That Jesus Was…

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into his father’s business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a

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The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 – Number of the Millibeast / 666 – Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1) =

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Church Humor…

Author Unknown Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please

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Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown He had only one major publication. It was in Hebrew. It had no references. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The

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How To Write Good

by Frank L. Visco and others Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas. It is wrong to ever split an

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How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name

Author Unknown For your new first name: 1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name 2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name. For your new last name: 3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name 4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you

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Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

Author Unknown 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper." 9. "One-a-day, like iron." 8. "Get a piece of the rock." 7. "You’ve come a long way, baby." 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em." 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." 4. "Tastes great, more filling." 3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Author Unknown Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie. Oh no! I

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Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

author unknown 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma!

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Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials

Author Unknown While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an

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Revised State Mottoes

Author Unknown Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! – or – But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang California: As Seen on TV

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Questions to Ponder about Viagra

Author Unknown If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had

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Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Author Unknown Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err." Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid." Iguana: "The other green meat." Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If

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Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

author unknown 12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here." 11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!" 10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery." 9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account? 8. All of the

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What Not To Say To The Police

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are

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Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

Author Unknown How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out! The Cat in the Microwave Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Your Colon Can Moo-Can You? The Fox in Detox The Grinch’s Ten Inches One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch Zippy the Gerbil My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

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Very Short Books

Author Unknown A Guide to Arab Democracies A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean America’s Most Popular Lawyers

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A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is

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Great Oxymorons

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline Food Almost exactly Alone together American history British fashion Business ethics Butt head Childproof Christian scientists Clearly misunderstood Computer jock Computer security Definite maybe Diet ice cream Exact estimate Extinct Life Found missing French bravery Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Legally drunk Living dead Microsoft Works

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New Metric Conversions

Author Unknown 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millilaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations

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Strange Bedfellows

Author Unknown If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d

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The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

Author Unknown 16. We’re working on that smell thing, too. 15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets

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Children’s Books You’ll Never See

These were from a Washington Post contest: "You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)

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Kennedy – Lincoln Similarities

Author Unknown Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names

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The F Word

Author Unknown Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked

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New Scientist Fantasy Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are some past winners: Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses). Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on

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What Should I Major In?

Author Unknown To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens

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Dog Breeds That Didn’t Make It

Author Unknown Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water

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Cowboy’s Guide to Life

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Never squat with yer spurs on. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt

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Rules of Chocolate

Author Unknown If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it

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What you should know about Chain Letters

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it’s true". Furthermore, just

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Cartoon Laws of Physics

Author Unknown Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes

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Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill

Author Unknown Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close

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Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn

By Dave Barry 1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The

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Funny Anagrams

Author Unknown An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Dormitory == Dirty Room Evangelist == Evil’s Agent Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em Animosity ==

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"Bar Speak" – what they really mean

Author Unknown So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means? "I’ll get this one, next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll

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You Might Be A Yankee If:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. You don’t know what a moon pie is. You’ve never had grain alcohol. You’ve never, ever, eaten okra. You eat

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You Know You Are From Wisconsin When …

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday. You define summer as three months of bad sledding. Snow tires come standard on all your cars. You refer to the Packers as "we." You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week. You can identify an Illinois accent.. You know what cow-tipping

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Top 40 Things A Southerner Never Says

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening. . . 40. "Ellen and Anne make such a nice couple." 39. "I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000,

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You Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You were in 4-H. You know what 4-H is. You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. School gets canceled for state events. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school. Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names. Your teachers

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You Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your

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You Know You Live in San Francisco When…

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none are visible. When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think steak. You think danger. You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live. You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent. You keep a

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You Might Be a Republican if…

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You’ve named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two" You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You’ve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You’ve ever tried

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You might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all." Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

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You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

Sounds special, doesn’t it? I think we are special, and hopefully you will too. Everyone has heard of rednecks by now, but traditional redneck humor either leaves out the ladies, or is incredibly harsh. Well, no more! Please read on – you may find yourself or someone you know!. You Might Be A Redneck Goddess

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You Might Be A Minnesotan If…

You measure distance in minutes. Weather is 80% of your conversation. Down south to you means Iowa. You call highways "freeways." Snow tires came standard on your car. You have no concept of public transportation. 75% of your graduating high school class went to the Univ. of Minnesota. You know more than 1 person that

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You Know You’ve Already Grown Up When…

1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. You keep more food than beer in your fridge. 3. 6 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 4. You hear your favorite song on the elevator. 5. You carry an umbrella and watch the Weather Channel. 6. You don’t remember when Taco

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You Might Be A Goth If …

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit You like to play dead in public You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper" The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a

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You’re Lost Between "Baby Boomer" and "Generation X" If…

You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart. You’ve ever rung someone’s doorbell and said "Landshark!" You were once bowled over by the technological

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You Know You’re Stuck in The 80’s If…

Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome" You’re still bitter that Wham! broke up Punky Brewster is your hero You type all of your term papers on

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You Know That You Are Too Drunk When…

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6. The back of your head keeps getting

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You Know You’re Not in College Anymore When…

You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal. It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m. Three words: Student Loan Payments. You make

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You Might Be a College Student If…

You have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match. You consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. You have ever written a check for 45 cents. You have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. You have ever

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You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffeepot clean. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take

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A Student’s Guide To Bawstin

(for all of you who were not bon heah) By John Powers, Globe Staff:09/11/97 The truth, now. How many of you said "Boston University" to the cabbie at Logan Airport and ended up at Boston College? You’re right. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. The cabbie knew you weren’t bon heah, so he took you for a

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You Know You’re In America When…

A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance. There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. People order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. People leave cars worth thousands of dollars in

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Funny Shakespeare

Hamlet is a course and barbarous play. One might think thework is a product of a drunken savage’s imagination. – Voltaire Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or are they just pretending to be mad? Birnam Wood Reunion Staff If I were Juliet, we’d have got away If I were Romeo, we’d have got

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Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Make race car noises when people get on and off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just

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Top 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your

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Darwin Awards 1998

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question… I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. It gives my mother something to live for. It didn’t seem worth a blood test. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And

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Fun Stuff to Do On Usenet

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu Post a message asking how to post messages. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.

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How to Handle Stress

Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail. Dance

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Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative

If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment.

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Bart’s Chalkboard

The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down many of the sentences that Bart writes on the chalkboard.

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The Beer Bill of Rights

Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

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Ode To The Malty Brew

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no

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New Government Warnings on Alcohol

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few additional warning may be appropriate.

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Things Adults Learn from Kids

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong

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The Boss

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

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Darwin Awards 1997

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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Some lesbian jokes, removed

Author Unknown Post from February 10, 1996 is REDACTED. 2013 Update: I removed the list that was “funny rules of lesbian living” from this site because I’ve been undergoing a harassment campaign from the woman who claims to have originated the list, threatening me with a cease and desist and threatening to report me to

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Are YOU a Problem Thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

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