You Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

Author Unknown

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

It’s dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You’re already late on the assignment you just got

When 100% of your time means 20 hours, with 40 more hours on the other 100% of your time.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only

Your boss’ favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you’re freed up"

Your boss’ second favorite lines are "this isn’t exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"

Change is the norm

Nepotism is encouraged

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

You read this entire list and understood it.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

New Job Interview Techniques

Submitted by Shailaja Seebaluck-Oolun

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Continue ReadingNew Job Interview Techniques

Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official. Using only 30 carefully chosen buzz words, you can woo your way through any written or oral presentation:

  Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated management options
1. total organizational flexibility
2. systematized monitored capability
3. parallel reciprocal mobility
4. functional digital programming
5. responsive logistical concept
6. optional transitional time-phase
7. synchronized incremental projection
8. compatible third-generation hardware
9. balanced policy contingency

USAGE: Randomly pick any three-digit number. Now select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, "748" produces "synchronized transitional hardware", or "839" yeilds "responsive reciprocal contingency", a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority. "No one will have any idea what you’re talking about," says Broughton, "but they’re probably not about to admit it."

Continue ReadingSystematic Buzz Phrase Projector

New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

author unknown

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon–we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Unreliability Ins. – 10.99
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – .32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Cool Air – 46.83
Misc. – 133.39

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. If people need to hire disability lawyer, they can get from here!   All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Continue ReadingNew Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

New List of Appropriate Language For Work

author unknown

It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. It can become as serious as suing a superior for harassment.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: No fucking way!
New Phrase: New Phrase: I’m not certain that’s possible.

Old Phrase: You’ve got to be shitting me.
New Phrase: Really?

Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with…

Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a fuck.
New Phrase: Of course I’m concerned.

Old Phrase: It’s not my fucking problem.
New Phrase: I wasn’t involved in the project.

Old Phrase: What the fuck…?
New Phrase: Interesting behavior.

Old Phrase: Fuck it. It won’t work.
New Phrase: I’m not sure I can implement this.

Old Phrase: Why the fuck didn’t they tell me this sooner?
New Phrase: I’ll try to schedule that.

Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.

Old Phrase: Who the fuck cares?
New Phrase: Are you sure it’s a problem?

Old Phrase: Eat shit.
New Phrase: You don’t say.

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
New Phrase: Excuse me?

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?

Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
New Phrase: They weren’t happy with it.

Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
New Phrase: So you’d like my help with it.

Old Phrase: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
New Phrase: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
New Phrase: I don’t think you understand.

Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.

Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?
New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?

Old Phrase: Blow me.
New Phrase: I see.

Old Phrase: Blow yourself.
New Phrase: Do you see?

Old Phrase: Another fucking meeting
New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.

Old Phrase: I don’t really give a shit.
New Phrase: I don’t think it will be a problem.

Old Phrase: He’s fucking retarded.
New Phrase: He’s confused.

Continue ReadingNew List of Appropriate Language For Work

Major U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

Author Unknown

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Continue ReadingMajor U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

What Your Resume Really Means

Author Unknown

I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’m Adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I’m Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.

I’m Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I’m Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I’m Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.

I’m Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’m On The Go:
I’m never at my desk.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

Continue ReadingWhat Your Resume Really Means

New Office Lingo

Author Unknown

Adminisphere:
Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Beepilepsy:
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM):
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.

Dilberted:
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. "I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Glazing:
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

G.O.O.D. Job:
A "Get-Out-Of Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

High Dome:
Egghead, scientist, PhD.

Idea Hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Open-Collar Workers:
People who work at home or telecommute.

Prairie Dogging:
Something happens in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Salmon Day:
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.

Seagull Partner:
A partner who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Strawman:
A proposal everyone expects to fail but will still get your group noticed. As in," a strawman proposal for the marketing weenies."

Stress Puppy:
A person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists:
Employees who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Triority:
The three important things your boss expects you to do at once.

Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from the workplace.

Continue ReadingNew Office Lingo

How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

by Uri Dub

THE PROBLEM

Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative. Seeking redress for unjust termination is another critical aspect that individuals may need to consider, ensuring fair treatment and due process in employment matters, particularly when facing legal challenges related to termination.

THE SOLUTION

Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

Continue ReadingHow To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

The Laws of Work

Author Unknown

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

If you’re wrongfully let go from your position, you can hire wrongful termination lawyers to protect your rights.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would Wonder Woman handle this?”

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Continue ReadingThe Laws of Work