25 ways to know you’re grown up

1. Your house plants are alive & you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7 . Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds’ leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again”.
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

Continue Reading25 ways to know you’re grown up

A Message To The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd

Note: This is from one of those fun email forwards…

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning… uphill BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda. And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter. With a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around al l day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! There were no cell phones. You had to share the kitchen phone with the super long cord with everyone else in the entire family. And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! You had to go to an arcade to play games. Games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!

And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

In the early days, there wasn’t even cable television! Back then you had only 5 channels. Eventually cable came out, but it was only around 15 channels, and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

And we didn’t have microwaves eitehr. If we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire … imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid air popper machine – or if you were “rich” you got the Jiffy Pop thing and you shook it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1978!

The over 30 Crowd


Continue ReadingA Message To The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

  1. You think socks are too formal for a Summer service.
  2. You know at least 5 ways to say “Happy holidays!”
  3. Your idea of a guy’s night out is going to a N.O.W. rally.
  4. Unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch.
  5. You refer to construction paper as “paper of color.”
  6. The name of your church is longer than your arm.
  7. You find yourself rewriting a church survey, rather than taking it.
  8. You call up your minister in the middle of the night, panicking because you are starting to believe in God.
  9. To explain your personal theology, you have to use interpretive dance.
  10. You take your day planner to church instead of the Bible.
Continue ReadingYou may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

“You know You’re From Indiana” video podcast namechecks me

Years ago, I got one of those “you know you’re from Indiana when…” emails, and threw it on my site in the jokes section, because that was the style back in the day. When I was moving my static content into my content management system this time last year, I featured it on my front page for a bit.
Recently, a Hoosier YouTube enthusiast name-checked the page in her video critique of the email, and it’s rather funny…

Continue Reading“You know You’re From Indiana” video podcast namechecks me

You Know You’re From Indiana When…

This page gets name-checked in a YouTube video critique of the list, from nthecgirl88.

You’ve never met any celebrities.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway and that is what the lawyers for DUI charges also feels like.

“Vacation” means driving through Amish Country or going to the State Fair.

You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

You know several people who have hit a deer.

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Terre Haute.”

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.

Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.

You know where all the Yoders live.

You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”

You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.

Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” or “Who are you gonna go with?”

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.

De-tassling was your first job (that’s de-tassling corn for you city folk).

Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.

You say catty-wumpus and kitty-corner.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, “It was different.”

You consider being called a “Pork Queen” an honor. (Note: My own niece was the Indiana State Fair Queen, so I know this is true.)

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what “cow tipping” is.

Continue ReadingYou Know You’re From Indiana When…

You Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70’s If:

This is the most accurate of these lists I have ever seen! I’ve checked off all the ones that are mine.

You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other…

You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobby Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with The Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

You had that Fisher Price Doctor’s kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. After training with these tools you became an expert at the game of “operation”.

Legos, Legos, Legos.

You owned a schwinn bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket. In the early 80’s you moved onto the ever-popular 10 speed. God that seat hurt.

Your roller skates had metal wheels.

Admit it…… you thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.

You had rubber boots for rainy days. Your shoes actually fit inside of the boots (with a little help from your mom and some plastic bags).

You had Tinkerbell bath products that change the color of the bath water. {yes, mine were from Avon}

You had either a “bowl cut” or a “pixie” because your mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic when people thought you were a boy.

Your sleeping bag was your most prized possession. {yep, my red snoopy bag}

You wore a “poncho” with your faux fur “muff” and your clogs.

You begged Santa for the electronic game… Simon which may be just as fun as 온카.

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded outfits. {didn’t have the dolls, but loved the show. My mom bought me purple socks to match Donnie’s. Too bad he’s such a jerk now.}

You spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze.

You were into ping pong. {This is Cate!}

You had homemade string barrettes in every imaginable color.

You kept losing your mittens so your mom bought you the kind that were attached by a string.

Your Hello Kitty pencil case was cuter than anyone else’s.

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. You despised Nellie Olson! {Not just the shirt! I had a whole dress mom made for me, and a BONNET! And I had all the books. Laura was cool. She still is.}

You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink.

Your hairstyle was ever described as having “wings”.

Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie. {This was more my little sister’s thing. And she loved the Peculiar Purple Pieman Of Porkupine Peak.}

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school. {I can’t remember my lunch box, except that I hated it because the other kids laughed at it.}

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazard was your boyfriend. {Well, not really. I wanted the car.}

You memorized every song on the “Annie” movie and know at least one person who immediately went out and got the Annie afro. Every now and then “Dumb Dog” will pop into your brain and you can’t stop singing it all day. {yes. I was actually offended when they remade it for tv on ABC last year. I thought the movie was the definitive version.}

You had Star Wars action figures, too. {yep, Leia. I have the new ones too.}

You thought unicorns were real. {I had every book you could think of and all these little ceramic figurines, and people gave them to me long after I stopped collecting them. Grandma gave me a unicorn a few years ago for Christmas.}

It was a big event in your household each year when the Wizard of Oz” would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags! {yes! I had a huge crush on Glinda.}

You wanted to be a part of the Von Trappe family. {yep! Love Julie Andrews, too.}

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. {yes, But that wasn’t as good a slumber party stunt as stealing everyone’s bras when they were asleep, getting them wet, and putting them in the freezer.}

You loved The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe so much you got the whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other books. {Well, I actually read all the books. I read them again in 1997.}

You completely wore-out your Grease and Saturday Night Fever soundtrack albums. {yep. I remember mom coming downstairs and catching me singing and doing a dance routine to Grease.}

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts things like yarn & Popsicle stick God’s Eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. {yes. Mom still has all this stuff in her house – the gods eyes and string art stuff is still hanging in our old rooms.}

Shrinky-dinks! What was so appealing about these? I loved the Raggedy Anne & Andy shrinky dinks. I still remember how the oven smelled when they were “baking”. {Everyone at work has been looking for these! We want to do some now that we’re adults. We feel we’re better artists now. A very helpful reader sent this in… you can buy a Shrinky Dinks book.}

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your miniature tape recorder up to the speaker. {yes, but the best thing to record was when we recorded my dad yelling his head off and played it back later, over and over, until he caught us.}

You couldn’t wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers. {yes. I had sooooo many of these books.}

You learned everything you needed to know about sex and your period from Judy Blume books. {yes, including that one that the neighbor girl loaned me, and mom took away because it described sex. But I snuck down and read it in the middle of the night.}

Continue ReadingYou Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70’s If:

You Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

Author Unknown

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

It’s dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You’re already late on the assignment you just got

When 100% of your time means 20 hours, with 40 more hours on the other 100% of your time.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only

Your boss’ favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you’re freed up"

Your boss’ second favorite lines are "this isn’t exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"

Change is the norm

Nepotism is encouraged

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

You read this entire list and understood it.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

What’s Your Professor Poopypants New Name?

Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, “Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants” by Dave Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names…

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

A = poopsie
B = lumpy
C = buttercup
D = gidget
E = crusty
F = greasy
G = fluffy
H = cheeseball
I = chim-chim
J = stinky
K = flunky
L = boobie
M = pinky
N = zippy
O = goober
P = doofus
Q = slimy
R = loopy
S = snotty
T = tulefel
U = dorkey
V = squeezit
W = oprah
X = skipper
Y = dinky
Z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
A = apple
B = toilet
C = giggle
D = burger
E = girdle
F = barf
G = lizard
H = waffle
I = cootie
J = monkey
K = potty
L = liver
M = banana
N = rhino
O = bubble
P = hamster
Q = toad
R = gizzard
S = pizza
T = gerbil
U = chicken
V = pickle
W = chuckle
X = tofu
Y = gorilla
Z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
A = head
B = mouth
C = face
D = nose
E = tush
F = breath
G = pants
H = shorts
I = lips
J = honker
K = b utt
L = brain
M = tushie
N = chunks
O = hiney
P = biscuits
Q = toes
R = buns
S = fanny
T = sniffer
U = sprinkles
V = kisser
W = squirt
X = humperdinck
Y = brains
Z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush’s new name is Goober Chicken shorts. What’s My name, you ask? Oprah Gerbiltush Tushie. Any of you call me that, you’re dead. I’m not kidding. And don’t laugh too hard if you’re related to me — your last name is Gerbiltush too.

Continue ReadingWhat’s Your Professor Poopypants New Name?

You Might Be A Scrooge If…


author unknown

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon — you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away — you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata — you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night — you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts — you just might be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon – you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park – you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log – you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie — you just might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat – you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets — you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "I’m dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir – you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge

If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog – you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin – you just might be a Scrooge

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Scrooge If…