David Sedaris Exaggerates!

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The New Republic comes out with a world-rocking revelation: David Sedaris embellishes his humorous non-fiction memoirs.
Um, no shit, Sherlock. You needed to write an article to tell us this? He’s a humor writer. I sort of figured out he was gilding the lily on my own, thanks. As if any one person has that much funny shit just happen to them randomly. Think about it – is your life that funny? Is anyone’s? Of course he punches it up to make it more funny. It’s not a big deal. He’s not a frackin’ presidential biographer for crap’s sake. I hope that he keeps doing it – he makes me laugh my ass off.
Hell, I didn’t even think it was that big a deal when James Frey exaggerated, except that there were people who looked at his book as some sort of self-help inspirational piece. But even then, I hardly think that was Frey’s fault.

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Elementary, Dear Watson

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:

"Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

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Deja… What?

Author: Stacy Mineart

A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister.

Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu:

Deja boo: The feeling that I’ve been frightened like this before

Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.

Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.

Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.

Deja eau: the feeling I’ve smelled this perfume before.

Deja fu: The feeling I’ve been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: The feeling I’ve known who was on first before.

Deja jew: The feeling I’ve wandered in the desert like this before.

Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).

Deja loo: The feeling I’ve been to this bathroom before.

Deja moo: The feeling I’ve drank this milk before.

Deja mu: The feeling I’ve calculated the mean of this population before.

Deja new: The feeling I haven’t experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" – Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)

Deja ooh: The feeling I’ve exclaimed at these fireworks before.

Deja poo: The feeling I’ve stepped in this before.

Deja Q. The feeling I’ve encountered this entity before.

Deja rue: The feeling I’ve regretted this day before.

Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.

Deja too: The feeling that I’ve experienced this before, also.

Deja two: The feeling that I’ve experienced this before, twice.

Deja woo: The feeling that Heather has yelled at someone like this before.

Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.

Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.

DUH-ja-vu : The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!

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How to Run A Country

Shamelessly stolen from the comments section at Taking Down Words:

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, “How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?”
“That`s easy,” she replied, “You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors.”
“But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?” he inquired.
“You ask them a riddle,” she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, “Would you please send Tony Blair in.”
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, “I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?”
Blair replied, “That’s easy. The child was me.”
“Very good,” said the Queen, “You may go, now.”
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in Karl Rove. He said to him, “I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?”
Rove replied, “Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?” “Yes,” said Bush, “I’ll give you four hours to come up with the answer.”
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, “Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?”
“That’s easy,” said Powell, “The child was me.”
“Oh thank you,” said Rove, “You may just have saved me my job!”
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, “I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!”
“No, you idiot!” shouted Bush, “The child was Tony Blair!”

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Here, here! Well-spoken, Bruce!

From a discussion being held by The Poor Man Institute with a wingnut:

The loyalty “owed” a President, or any government official, or any policy of the same, by a private citizen, is this much loyalty: zero. Let me say that again: the loyalty I, or you, or anyone “owes” to someone in the government, or to some course of action they favor, is none whatsoever. To think otherwise, Teddy Roosevelt might comment, is “unpatriotic and servile”. Now, this is not to say you can’t give your loyalty to the President or his policies – it’s a free country, and you can do any non-treasonous thing you want with your loyalty – but that’s your decision, and nobody has to live with it but you (and all the people who suffer from the consequences of your stupid choice of loyalties, of course.) Personally, I think the President is a horrible fucking stupid cunt and his policies are for shit. Your results may vary. But if someone tells me that I “owe” it to the President or his crap policy to act like I don’t think that, well, that person can get in the big long line with WPE and the rest of folks who really desperately need to go fuck themselves.
But Democracy gets even worse. The President and the President’s policies owe me loyalty. The President and his policies are supposed to be working for the good of the country and her people. That’s how the loyalty flows. The President is required to act for my (ok, “our”) benefit; if he does not, the betrayal is his, and the sorts of things which you’d like to call “disloyalty” become duty. Does Gore’s speaking out against torture “undermine” the country? That’s a tricky position to hold if you oppose torture. Does it “undermine” the policy? I wish. No, it does this: it reminds the world that however fucked up our government is, it isn’t us, it doesn’t speak for us, and it can never, ever make us quiet down. And I do say God Bless America.

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Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

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Cynics Guide to Life

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

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I am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian

I am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian
by Christopher Gist Raible
Sung to ” I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from ” Pirates of Penzance”.
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world’s religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I’m full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.

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Dick Cheney Shoots Me

And then Dick Cheney shot me, too! That bastard!!!

Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter
‘Steph was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good’
Sunday, February 12, 2006; Posted: 9:01 p.m. EST (02:01 GMT)
WASHINGTON (AP) — Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend Wabbit hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.
Steph Mineart, a millionaire Website Designer from Indianapolis, was in stable condition in the intensive care unit of a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday, said Yvonne Wheeler, spokeswoman for the Christus Spohn Health System.
The accident occurred Saturday at a ranch in south Texas where the vice president and several companions were hunting Wabbit. It was not reported publicly by the vice president’s office for nearly 24 hours, and then only after it was reported locally by the Corpus Christi Caller-Times on its Web site Sunday.
Armstrong said she was watching from a car while Cheney, Mineart and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of Wabbit.
Mineart shot a Wabbit and went to retrieve it in the tall grass, while Cheney and the third hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey.
Mineart “came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn’t signal them or indicate to them or announce herself,” Armstrong said.
“The vice president didn’t see her,” she continued. “The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a Wabbit and was following it and shot. And by God, Steph was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.”
Mineart has been a private practice Website Designer in Indianapolis since 1950 and has long been active in Texas Republican politics. she’s been appointed to several state boards, including when then-Gov. George W. Bush named her to the Texas Funeral Service Commission.

And just like it would happen in real life, I gave them a really old picture of myself, too.

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