You Know You Live in San Francisco When…

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none are visible.

When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think steak. You think danger.

You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California State Flags.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay,

The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.

Old friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly call and ask do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?

You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.

You can’t remember…Is pot still illegal?

You go to your office manager’s baby shower – the parent’s are named Judy and Becky.

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper sticker-and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV – the guys are much hotter!

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don’t notice.

You still can’t believe a company doesn’t offer domestic partner benefits.

You curse those damn tourists -but always stop to help a cute guy or gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.

When you drive under an underpass – for one moment you think "earthquake".

Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers" … it’s the first time you have seen him nude.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".

You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay.

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class – but you can’t decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

Your new neighbor goes to temple-but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Live in San Francisco When…

You Might Be a Republican if…

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You’ve named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You’ve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to

You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You’ve ever said, "I can’t wait to get into business school."

You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don’t think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You’ve argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You’ve ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You’ve ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You’ve ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You’re afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates…."

You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society."

You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be a Republican if…

You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

Sounds special, doesn’t it? I think we are special, and hopefully you will too. Everyone has heard of rednecks by now, but traditional redneck humor either leaves out the ladies, or is incredibly harsh. Well, no more! Please read on – you may find yourself or someone you know!.

You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

Your grandma is your hero.

You could help your child win the science fair by building an entire vehicle without spending a dime.

You don’t believe in credit cards.

You know that dog chain is used for clothesline – LOG chain is for dogs.

People ask you if you’re having a yard sale – sometimes the answer is yes, if the price is right.

You have ever dated a guy because of his vehicle.

Guys have ever dated you because of YOUR vehicle.

You manage the family stock portfolio, and the livestock as well.

You would welcome the Y2K crisis to test your survival skills.

Your husband is looking for his clean overalls, and you’re wearing them.

Not only do you buy your own auto parts, you request them by part number.

You don’t let ANYONE in your family watch professional wrestling.

You may dye your hair, but you would never get a boob job.

You always dress up for Halloween.

You understand that real women don’t look like Barbie dolls, and your kids understand too.

You don’t fall for every fad that comes down the pike, but some of those Beanie Babies are pretty darn cute.

You’ve always known that less is more, except when it applies to horsepower.

You honestly don’t mind getting power tools as gifts, as long as they’re the ones you asked for.

You ever had to kill a snake, and then considered cooking it for dinner to see if it really does taste like chicken.

You have noticed that sometimes people who have cell phones look like they have no business having one.

You find it strange to see a raggedy-looking person at the laundromat, driving a brand-new Suburban.

You have ever had to hose off your children before allowing them in the house.

You don’t see anything unusual about driving your kids to town for trick-or-treating.

You think vegetarianism is just plain silly.

You prefer manual-locking hubs.

You will agree to drive an import ONLY if it’s a 5-speed.

Your kids love diving off a boat in the middle of the lake.

You can back a vehicle pulling a trailer.

Your kids routinely see deer and/or turkeys on the way to school – and can identify them.

Your mom and dad are usually glad to see you.

You own your dream car/truck – and it’s paid for.

You weren’t a cheerleader because you were too busy.

You can do your complete makeup and hair in less than 15 minutes.

You know what a well is because you use one.

You always say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Guys aren’t afraid to tell you dirty jokes – and you’re not afraid to repeat them.

You have won ribbons at the fair.

You get along perfectly well with other women, as long as they’re not bi***es.

You have a preferred make of vehicle, and can explain why.

You never grew out of that 8-year-old horse-crazy thing.

You understand the statement "LIVE AND LET LIVE".

Your husband thinks it’s cool that you like driving his truck.

You have won trophies.

You don’t always keep your house spotless, but you can do it when you have a good enough reason.

Your kids know what a whipping is, but aren’t terrified of you because of it.

You like to mess with telemarketers.

You know more about your favorite sport than your husband does.

You made up with your parents for being a rotten teenager.

You watch a soap opera or two, even though they are really stupid, but you don’t tape them.

You would really love to live in the city – NOT!!.

You aren’t afraid of bikers – some of your favorite relatives are Harley riders.

Your dogs can catch themselves something to eat when they’re hungry.

Your neighbor’s houses aren’t visible from your house.

You are perfectly comfortable with cussing, when the situation requires it.

You could still fit into your wedding dress, if it was still at the shop where you rented it.

You love NASCAR because we all have days when we wish we could pull a Dale Earnhardt move and get away with it.

You have ever had to bring your water home from somewhere else.

You had to spend the night in the truck because a driveshaft broke.

You lived in a barn while you were building your house.

You ever melted snow to make coffee.

You have cooked and eaten crawdads you caught with your grandma.

You know where a side of beef comes from, because you helped.

You have to drive through a creek to get to your house.

Your children have helped you pack your wheel bearings.

You have stopped to help a disabled vehicle.

You have ever heated your bathwater on the stove.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

You Might Be A Minnesotan If…

You measure distance in minutes.

Weather is 80% of your conversation.

Down south to you means Iowa.

You call highways "freeways."

Snow tires came standard on your car.

You have no concept of public transportation.

75% of your graduating high school class went to the Univ. of Minnesota.

You know more than 1 person that has hit a deer.

People from other states love to hear you say words with "o"s in them.

You know what and where "Dinkytown" is.

"Perkins" was a popular hangout option in high school.

You have no problem saying or spelling "Minneapolis."

You can list all the "Dales."

You hate "Fargo" but realize that a lot of your family has that accent.

You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.

Your school classes have been canceled because of snow or cold.

You know what Mille Lacs is and how to spell it.

You assume when you say "The Cities" people know where you are referring to.

You know what the numbers 694, 494, I-94, 394 mean.

You have tried boiled fish in lye at Christmas.

You know the 2 sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.

Nothing gets you madder than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a MN car.

You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly.

You can pinpoint exactly where each scene in "Untamed Heart" was filmed.

You can spot the three-second cameo appearance by "The Artist formerly Known as Prince" in "Fargo."

You’re a loyal Target shopper.

You’ve licked frozen metal.

The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks or to fish.

You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4-wheel drive vehicle.

You wear shorts when it’s 50 degrees outside in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60.

You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.

You remember WLOL.

It feels like the Mississippi is everywhere you go.

When you talk about "opener" you are not talking about cans.

You have gone Trick-or-Treating in 3 feet of snow.

You know that when it comes to AM, there is only WCCO, besides, what else do you need?

You know what the word SPAM stands for (in more ways than one)

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You drink "POP," not "SODA"

There was a time when you were SO proud that Soul Asylum is from MN

In a conversation you heard someone say "yah, sure, you betcha" and you didn’t laugh.

Everyone you know has a cabin.

You get sick of people asking you where Paisley Park is.

You know that Lake Wobegon isn’t real and you know who made it up, where they live, and exactly what to do about it.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Minnesotan If…

You Know You’ve Already Grown Up When…

1. Your potted plants stay alive.

2. You keep more food than beer in your fridge.

3. 6 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

4. You hear your favorite song on the elevator.

5. You carry an umbrella and watch the Weather Channel.

6. You don’t remember when Taco Bell closes.

7. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

8. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

9. You’re the one calling the cops because the kids next door don’t know how to turn their stereo down.

10. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hooking up and breaking up.

Continue ReadingYou Know You’ve Already Grown Up When…

You Might Be A Goth If …

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit

You like to play dead in public

You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face

The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper"

The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child

You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer

You go to Denny’s at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people"

You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones

You refer to your age in mortal years

You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose

Your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years

You’ve willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery

You own 16 or more Cleopatra c.d.’s

You own even 1 Projekt c.d.

You can’t decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier, then decide Wednesday blows them both away

You were disappointed to find out that "American Gothic" is a portrait of two farmers

You think of the hearse as a "family car"

You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that alternates between your neck and the rearview mirror in your car

You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that’s been dead over 2000 years

You have seen "Nightmare before Christmas" more than seven times

Your purse is large, square and metal

You argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires

You and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards

You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre

Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don’t stick out the way they used to

Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does

You refer to others as "The Normals"

You are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band

Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently

You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street

You and your boyfriend fight over who gets to wear the fangs

This list made you depressed

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Goth If …

You’re Lost Between "Baby Boomer" and "Generation X" If…

You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.

You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.

You’ve ever rung someone’s doorbell and said "Landshark!"

You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.

You remember the premier of MTV–or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."

You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince’s "1999."

A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.

You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you (The WAYBACK seat).

You’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back when…," "When I was your age…," or "When I was younger…"

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)

You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.

You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.

You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.

The age-old question "Where’s the beef?" still makes you laugh.

You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."

You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."

Your hair at some point in time in the ’80s could only be described by saying, "I was experimenting."

You’ve ever shopped at Benetton. 2 You’re starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

You’re currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.

U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.

You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes for Luke and Laura’s wedding on "GH."

Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

You know who shot J.R.

You recall when Love’s Baby Soft was in every girl’s Christmas stocking.

This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."

You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)

You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.

You’ve ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.

"All skate, change directions" means something to you.

You’ve ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.

You bought a pair of Vans and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you’ve ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I’m so wasted!")

You owned a Preppy Handbook.

You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.

You remember when movies were only PG and R.

You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out….and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch… and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka

You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or–worst of all–what Sheriff Roscoe’s full name was.

Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

You remember having a rotary phone.

You actually believed that Mikey–famed kid on the Life cereal commercials–died after eating Pop Rocks and rinking a Coke.

"Members Only" jackets…say no more.

And lastly, I’ll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day: …you actually remember the words to the the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."

Continue ReadingYou’re Lost Between "Baby Boomer" and "Generation X" If…

You Know You’re Stuck in The 80’s If…

Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister

You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the “Footloose” soundtrack

You think the Two Coreys are “totally awesome”

You’re still bitter that Wham! broke up

Punky Brewster is your hero

You type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64

You still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster’s

The only video games you play are Frogger, 텐텐벳, and Pac Man

You’re building your own Clockwork Smurf

Your summer attire is Jellies and Jams

A-Ha’s “Take on Me” is still your favorite video

You consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms

You wonder why more people don’t wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks

You call all motorcycle cops “Ponch”

Every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks

You’re still upset Madonna and Sean broke up

You know who Stinky Sullivan is

You work out with “Get in Shape Girl”

You want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up

You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night

You know who Loverboy is

You think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion

You think of Janet Jackson as “that girl who used to date Willis”

You can sing the theme song to Small Wonder

Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell “Fame!”

You still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards

You write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make “Born in the USA” the national anthem

You still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine

You know it’s not “comma, comma, comma” it’s karma

You stay up nights wondering what Bastian’s mother’s name was in “The Neverending Story”

You have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak

You still practice your Care Bear Stare

You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un

You can name all The Wuzzles

You harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair

You can do the Safety Dance

In your spare time you are writing “The Breakfast Club 2”

You like to “connect the dots, la la la la!”

Someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don’t say “Who?”

Your prized possession is a collection of “Return of the Jedi” Shrinky Dinks

You know whose number is 867-5309

You get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall’s career

You’re starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control

You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to

You consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century

You have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train

You want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers

You still watch things on Beta

You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand

You know that “Weird Science” was a movie before a tv show

Your favorite proverb is “some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on”

You always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house

Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos

You saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany’s opening act

You liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser

You know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in

You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows

You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts

You’re still wondering who really was the boss

You know what the “P” in “Alex P. Keaton” stands for

You keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge

You organize weekend tournaments of TV tag

You still drink New Coke

When you watch “Terminator 2” you wonder where Vincent is

You know ALF’s real name

You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs

You can name all of the Thundercats

You hanker for a hunk of cheese

Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent

Your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann

Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out

You’re planning a dream vacation to Mepos

You use your Speak and Spell to phone home

You know the original members of Menudo

Sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love

When you’re stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn’t talk back

You remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to “Locomotion”

You know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.

People are constantly gagging you with spoons

Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is “Walk Like an Egyptian”

The only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes

You still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date

You hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital

You know which five people Serpentor’s DNA came from.

You have “We Are the World” on 45

You’re still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik

You can feel St. Elmo’s fire burnin’ in you

You watch NYPD Blue thinking, “Well, they’re no Crockett and Tubbs, that’s for sure”

You know what a “burnout” is.

You know what “Sike” means.

You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, Wax off”.

You know that another name for a keyboard is a”Synthesizer”.

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You know who Max Headroom is.

You ever wore flourescent clothing.

You could breakdance, or wish you could.

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

Partying “like it’s 1999” seemed SO far away.

You wanted to be on StarSearch.

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.

You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.

You knew what Willis was “talkin’ ’bout”.

You HAD to have your MTV

You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future”.

You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.

You actually thought “Dirty Dancing” was a REALLY good movie.

You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.

You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince”.

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

You own any cassettes.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.

You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.

Or any other stupid collection they came out with.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

You know what a Doozer is.

You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.

You ever had a Swatch Watch.

You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.

You know what a “Whammee” is.

You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.

Continue ReadingYou Know You’re Stuck in The 80’s If…

You Know That You Are Too Drunk When…

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. You fall off the floor…

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16. At AA meetings you begin: “Hi,my name is… uh…”

17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.

19. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

21. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

22. Roseanne looks good.

23. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

26. I’m as jober as a sudge, people need to know that drunk driving in Boston or anywhere in the world is a serious and a punishable crime.

27. Everything is drunk when you’re funny

28. The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

29. You wake up screaming “TORO TORO TORO!” in the middle of the night.

Continue ReadingYou Know That You Are Too Drunk When…

You Know You’re Not in College Anymore When…

You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.

Your parents charge rent.

The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m.

Three words: Student Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year – and still can’t afford that dream Porsche.

You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game’s

Discussing with your friends:
THEN: GPA’s, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey;
NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’.

Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.

You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking in college.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends.’


Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, ‘I just can’t put it down the same as I used to.’

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.

You’re actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that’s not full of ’21-year-old kids.’

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

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