funny lists

Computer One-Liners

Author Unknown

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C: is the root of all directories.

Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don’t byte off more than you can view.

FAX is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Windows will never cease.

In Gates we trust.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There’s no place like <http://www.home.com/>

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Speed thrills.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t
bother you for weeks.

Continue ReadingComputer One-Liners

11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work

Author Unknown

  1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
  2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
  3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
  4. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
  5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
  6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
  7. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
  8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
  9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
  10. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
  11. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
Continue Reading11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work

Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO

Author Unknown

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn’t come in different colors with little "M"’s on them.

and Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

Continue ReadingTop Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO

You Know You’re Gay When…

Author Unknown

  1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
  2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
  3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
  4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
  5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
  6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
  7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
  8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
  9. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
  10. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
  11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
  12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
  13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
  14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
  15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
  16. Your pets always have great names.
  17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
  18. You’re the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
  19. You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
  20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
  21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
  22. You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
  23. You get to choose your family.
  24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
  25. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
  26. You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
  27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
  28. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
  29. You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
  30. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
  31. You know how to "air kiss".
  32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
  33. You know how to dress strategically.
  34. You know when to move out and move on.
  35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
  36. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
  37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn’t necessarily an insult.
  38. You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
  39. You know which wine to bring.
  40. Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
  41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
  42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
  43. You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
  44. You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
  45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
  46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
  47. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
  48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
  49. You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
  50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
Continue ReadingYou Know You’re Gay When…

Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

Author Unknown

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. Replace your old keyboard with a better mechanical one from qwertybro.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 sign your cat has learned your internet password…

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post!

Continue ReadingTen Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.

When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."

Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

Fill your car with beer bottles.

The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

Swear at everybody on the road.

When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

Beep your horn at everything.

Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test

Fun Things to Do in Your Car

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Vary your vehicle’s speed inversly with the speed limit.

Roll down the windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Two words: Chicken Suit

Write the works "Help Me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at the red ones.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Eat food that requires silverware.

Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

Sing without having the radio on.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

Ask people for Grey Poupon.

Let pedestrians know who’s boss.

Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

Restart your car at every stop light.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-veiw mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Throw burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

While stopped at at light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

Paint your car with occult symbols.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Have some passengers have wild noisy sex.

Cheer for firetrucks. Boo ambulances. Moon police cars.

Stop and collect roadkill.

Stop and pray to roadkill.

Throw spam.

Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

Continue ReadingFun Things to Do in Your Car

Silly State Laws

NOTE: I’m not sure how many of these are actually true – this came to me in an email forward in 2000 and I posted it here.

Arkansas:
–A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.

California:
–In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
–It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Continue ReadingSilly State Laws

Customer "Support" At A Phone Company

From: Jay Sekora

I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty. Towards the end of his very long and unproductive call he was starting to get exasperated, and the following (paraphrased) exchange ensued.

Continue ReadingCustomer "Support" At A Phone Company

Accidental Accident Reports

Author Unknown

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible, mostly in an attempt of recovering compensation for personal injuries.  Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have, which caused multiple vehicular accidents.

Here’s the breakdown of the car accidents: the other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

Continue ReadingAccidental Accident Reports