funny lists

Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official. Using only 30 carefully chosen buzz words, you can woo your way through any written or oral presentation:

  Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated management options
1. total organizational flexibility
2. systematized monitored capability
3. parallel reciprocal mobility
4. functional digital programming
5. responsive logistical concept
6. optional transitional time-phase
7. synchronized incremental projection
8. compatible third-generation hardware
9. balanced policy contingency

USAGE: Randomly pick any three-digit number. Now select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, "748" produces "synchronized transitional hardware", or "839" yeilds "responsive reciprocal contingency", a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority. "No one will have any idea what you’re talking about," says Broughton, "but they’re probably not about to admit it."

Continue ReadingSystematic Buzz Phrase Projector

New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

author unknown

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon–we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Unreliability Ins. – 10.99
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – .32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Cool Air – 46.83
Misc. – 133.39

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. If people need to hire disability lawyer, they can get from here!   All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Continue ReadingNew Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

New List of Appropriate Language For Work

author unknown

It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. It can become as serious as suing a superior for harassment.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: No fucking way!
New Phrase: New Phrase: I’m not certain that’s possible.

Old Phrase: You’ve got to be shitting me.
New Phrase: Really?

Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with…

Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a fuck.
New Phrase: Of course I’m concerned.

Old Phrase: It’s not my fucking problem.
New Phrase: I wasn’t involved in the project.

Old Phrase: What the fuck…?
New Phrase: Interesting behavior.

Old Phrase: Fuck it. It won’t work.
New Phrase: I’m not sure I can implement this.

Old Phrase: Why the fuck didn’t they tell me this sooner?
New Phrase: I’ll try to schedule that.

Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.

Old Phrase: Who the fuck cares?
New Phrase: Are you sure it’s a problem?

Old Phrase: Eat shit.
New Phrase: You don’t say.

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
New Phrase: Excuse me?

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?

Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
New Phrase: They weren’t happy with it.

Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
New Phrase: So you’d like my help with it.

Old Phrase: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
New Phrase: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
New Phrase: I don’t think you understand.

Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.

Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?
New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?

Old Phrase: Blow me.
New Phrase: I see.

Old Phrase: Blow yourself.
New Phrase: Do you see?

Old Phrase: Another fucking meeting
New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.

Old Phrase: I don’t really give a shit.
New Phrase: I don’t think it will be a problem.

Old Phrase: He’s fucking retarded.
New Phrase: He’s confused.

Continue ReadingNew List of Appropriate Language For Work

Major U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

Author Unknown

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Continue ReadingMajor U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

New Office Lingo

Author Unknown

Adminisphere:
Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Beepilepsy:
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM):
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.

Dilberted:
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Glazing:
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?”

G.O.O.D. Job:
A “Get-Out-Of Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

High Dome:
Egghead, scientist, PhD.

Idea Hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Open-Collar Workers:
People who work at home or telecommute.

In transitioning to a more digital work environment, many startups find immense value in establishing a presence in prestigious business locations without the associated high costs. Utilizing Virtually There virtual postal address services helps businesses maintain professionalism with a credible address and mail management system. This flexibility allows for greater focus on core business activities without worrying about physical office constraints. You can also lighten your workload and ensure your business stays compliant by letting experts like LLCBuddy handle your north dakota llc annual report.

Prairie Dogging:
Something happens in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Salmon Day:
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.

Seagull Partner:
A partner who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Strawman:
A proposal everyone expects to fail but will still get your group noticed. As in,” a strawman proposal for the marketing weenies.”

Stress Puppy:
A person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists:
Employees who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists.”

Triority:
The three important things your boss expects you to do at once.

Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from the workplace.

Continue ReadingNew Office Lingo

Things You Learn About Computers In The Movies…

Author Unknown

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. As per their explanation, these computers too will need timely services to work efficiently.

Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ‘ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES’ on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer (even those of advanced alien life forms capable of travelling trillions of light years) with a destructive virus simply by typing ‘UPLOAD VIRUS’. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, so getting the right IT Services in Jacksonville can be essential to take care of this issue.

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer (or Agent Scully’s), even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just beneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. (see #7 above)

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

Complex calculations and loading of huge abounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If you display a file on the screen, and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself on to his/her face.

Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

Continue ReadingThings You Learn About Computers In The Movies…

How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

by Uri Dub

THE PROBLEM

Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative. Seeking redress for unjust termination is another critical aspect that individuals may need to consider, ensuring fair treatment and due process in employment matters, particularly when facing legal challenges related to termination.

THE SOLUTION

Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

Continue ReadingHow To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

The Laws of Work

Author Unknown

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

If you’re wrongfully let go from your position, you can hire wrongful termination lawyers to protect your rights.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would Wonder Woman handle this?”

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Continue ReadingThe Laws of Work

How Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters

Santa List

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.

How ’bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Can you please get my parents back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

Continue ReadingHow Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters

Things Not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Christmas Tree
Christmas Tree

Author Unknown

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

"You’ve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…"

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker."

"If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father."

"Give me that!"

"You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!"

"You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where’s the cat?"

Continue ReadingThings Not to Say When Hanging the Lights