One-Liners

Guaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.” ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true, no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.The Coastal Side can help you to have best kayaking experience.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because’, he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain and is named ‘Juan.’ Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him… A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. And finally, there was the person who posted different puns to her blog, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make people laugh. No pun in ten did.

Continue ReadingGuaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind

Even More One-Liners

Been There – Shit Happened

Boldly Going Nowhere

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

Cover me, I’m changing lanes.

Don’t laugh, your daughter may be inside – (on a custom van)

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.

Hang up and drive.

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Honk if anything falls off

Honk if you’re ontologically alienated

Horn broken watch for finger

How can I get in your way when you don’t even have one?

I brake for no apparent reason

I don’t brake.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Iconoclast

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

If you can read this, please flip me back over… (seen upside down, on a Jeep)

If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now

I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

Karmically Challenged

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

My other car has bumperstickers, too

My son isn’t an honor student. He plays hockey.

Post Cool

Question Appearances

Question Authority

Question Reality

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

Seen on the back of a biker’s vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

So many pedestrians so little time

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm

This bumpersticker exploits illiterates

This is it, I don’t have another car.

This is Not an Abandoned Vehicle – on an old, rusted-out car with 2 plastic bags taped over where the rear windows used to be, parked in a shopping center.

Today’s Mood: Irritable

Warning! I brake for hallucinations

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Welcome to California. Now Go Home.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way

Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Continue ReadingEven More One-Liners

More Funny One-Liners

More funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that would look great on a t-shirt or bumper sticker.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Laugh now, but one day we’ll be in charge.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes; use birth control.

Leave bad enough alone!

Let’s just say I don’t respond well to authority.

Lethargy in motion.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Living well is the best revenge.

Lobotomies for Republicans? Why be redundant?

Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know — Caroline Lamb, referring to Lord Byron

Make no enemies accidentally.

Marching to a different kettle of fish.

Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states

Minimum wage for politicians.

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

My Reality Check bounced.

My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

My great dream is that I’ve won all the beauty contests in the world and all the people I don’t like are forced to build me a castle in France

My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.

My mom thinks I’m at the movies.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No good deed goes unpunished.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Not all who wander are lost

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known – Montaigne

Nothing succeeds like excess – Oscar Wilde

Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

Oh this Age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is – Gaius Valerius Catullus (Lyric Poet 87 – ?54 BCE)

Oh, evolve!

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Our parents were never our age.

Out of Mind — Back in 5 minutes.

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

Quantum mechanics – the dreams stuff is made of.

Sanity is madness put to good uses – Santayana.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Save the Dolphins? What did the cows do wrong?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smile. It confuses People.

So much to do. So few people to do it for me.

So many fools, so few comets.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

When they hit rock bottom, Some people will climb out. The others will begin to dig.

Some things are sacred–I haven’t taken them apart yet.

Some times the only solution is to find a new problem.

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do – Bertrand Russell

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.

Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.

Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have

Take my advice. I’m not using it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.

Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.

That was before … now you’re dealing with Me.

That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The early bird still has to eat the worms.

The empty vessel makes the greatest sound – Anonymous

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The future isn’t what it used to be – Yogi Berra

The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.

The lunatic fringe begins here.

The meek are getting ready…

The more things change, the more they remain insane.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. – Bertrand Russell

The trouble with you is that you’re alive

The truth of this checking account is mysterious, awkward and sad. More Transactions? Y/N?

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The windmills are winning.

There are times that try men’s souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There you go again, thinking you have rights.

There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Think of it as evolution in action.

This is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up, right?

This is as bad as it can get. But don’t bet on it.

This isn’t denial. I’m just very selective about which reality I accept.

This isn’t hell. This is where you get sent when you’ve been bad in hell.

This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

Three correct guesses in a row and you qualify to be an expert.

Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once — it’s not working.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered – Voltaire

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful – Mae West

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Vuja De’: the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.

Warning! This organism suffers from dangerous mood swings.

Warning! Whimsical when bored

Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.

We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We are not amused.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

We have only two things to worry about — either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.

We’re all mad here.

Welcome back to square one.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What a long, strange trip it’s been.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

What color is the sky in your world?

What could possible go wrong?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When I was young, we didn’t have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.

Whisper my favorite words: "I’ll buy it for you."

Who are the grateful dead and why do they keep following me?

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc?

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Why do people with so few clues have so much time?

With friends like these, who need hallucinations?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

You are here and this is the highlight of your day.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time–that should be enough for most purposes.

You can’t fall off the floor.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

You get what you settle for.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You’re only young once–after that you need another excuse.

Your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.

Your silliness has been noted.

See Also: Funny One-liners,

Continue ReadingMore Funny One-Liners

Funny One-liners

Funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that that would look great on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.

… yes, but not the inclination.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A cynic’s work is never done.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

A real friend isn’t someone you use and throw away. A real friend is someone you use again and again.

A splendid combination of talent and trouble…

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Actually, he’s more of a party mineral.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Advice is worth what you paid for it.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest – Mark Twain

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

And which dwarf are you?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out – Chekhov.

Any mental functions attempted in this area must be re-evaluated during a subsequent period. It has been discovered that standard logic works sideways in this area due to the influence of the occupant.

Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.

Any twelve people who can’t get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anything worth not doing is worth not doing well.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

As far as I’m concerned, all phone calls are obscene.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Axe me about Ebonics

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime – Balzac

Being weird isn’t enough.

Better living through denial.

Blessed are the cheesemakers??

Blithering Genius

Borrow money from pessimists… they don’t expect it back.

Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

Careful, I may be someone important.

Caution – I was not hired for my disposition.

Caution: Contents under pressure.

Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cynic: A person who has an accurate view of the world. Optimist: A cynic in the making. Pessimist: A cynic with a vivid memory

Cynic: n. Someone who sees things the way they really are.

Dare to think for yourself

Death or compliance – now that’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Department of Redundancy Department

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Desperately clinging to utopian illusions

Devious, cunning and inventive.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.

Dole for Pineapple.

Don’t be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.

Don’t believe everything you’re told.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Don’t eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They’re carrying.

Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too little to be let out alone.

Don’t mind me–I’ll just bleed.

Don’t panic. They’ll all be Taken Care Of.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Don’t take life seriously — it isn’t permanent.

Don’t try to engage my enthusiasm–I haven’t got one.

Don’t try to outweird me–I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don’t worry about the world ending today… It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia -then start worrying)

Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

Don’t you look at me in that tone of voice.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Dyslexics of the world – untie!

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

Earth is full. Go home.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Either I’ve been missing something, or nothing has been going on.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Ever get the impression that most netsurfers are actually monkeys searching for Shakespeare?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

Every organization appears to be headed by the secret agents of its enemies.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.

Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Feel safe tonight … Sleep with a cop.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Forms follow function. And often obliterates it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

Go on and try it. The worst you can do it make a fool of yourself in front of all your friends.

Go, and never darken my towels again – Groucho Marx

Gone crazy, be back shortly.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil – Machiavelli

Have an adequate day.

Have whatever kind of day you want.

He has a room temperature IQ.

He has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

He’s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heart attacks…god’s revenge for eating his animal friends

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born.

Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.

How about never? Is never good for you?

How can there be incompetence in the world? They don’t teach it in schools.

How do I know you’re not one of them?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …

Humpty Dumpty was pushed

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am glad the Old Masters are all dead. I only wish they had died sooner – Mark Twain

I am not a monotheist — the world looks as though it were designed by a committee.

I am the Imp of the Perverse – Knowing this won’t help you, either.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

I can see through your clothes

I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

I could say something brilliant at any moment!

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don’t have burnout, but I’m slightly singed.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I just don’t know…

I don’t like where this syllogism is going.

I don’t need you, you know–I can be lonely all by myself.

I don’t need your attitude, I have my own.

I don’t see you, so don’t pretend to be there.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I don’t work here; I’m a consultant.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes

I have no intention of telling you my real name

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

I have the body of a god …. Buddha

I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I know it all, I just can’t remember it simultaneously.

I like the way your mind malfunctions.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.

I never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.

I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think it’s hell.

I no longer fear hell — I’ve worked in Retail.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I souport publik edekasion

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I think – therefore I don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh

I think my brain has a mind of its own.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

I think we met in a past life and you were a dipstick then too.

I think you left the stove on.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I tried being reasonable once–I didn’t like it.

I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I was born weird — this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

I was raised to be charming, not sincere.

I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I’d like to speak with your inner baby-sitter.

I’d rather be dead.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I’m lost. I’ve gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m not depressed, I’m existentially challenged.

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

I’m not obnoxious, I’m verbally challenging.

I’m not panicking. I’m watching you panic. It’s much more entertaining.

I’m not shy — I’m studying my prey.

I’m not tense — just terribly alert.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence…

I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

I’ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.

I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If all else fails, read the directions.

If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice week.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If it doesn’t feel good – don’t do it twice.

If only the innocents knew…

If only there was some indication that the universe was doing it on purpose.

If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil…

If the music’s too loud, you’re too old

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If we quit voting will they all go away?

If you can’t dress weird, why dress at all?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you take me where I want to go, I’ll take you where you think we are.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

If you’re going down in flames, you might as well hit something big.

If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.

If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.

Illiterate? Write for help

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying "No hard feelings"

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Is it weird in here or is it me?

Is there a meaning to life? Sure, but it probably has something to do with corned beef.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

It is only trifles that irritate my nerves–Queen Victoria

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

It’s a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn’t understand.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

It’s been lovely but I have to scream now

It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

It’s hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.

It’s ok to do the right thing as long as you don’t get caught.

It’s polite to wait until you’re asked.

Continue ReadingFunny One-liners

Valentines Day Quotes

In Your Dreams
In Your Dreams

"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
— Dorothy Parker

"Women are cursed, and men are the proof."
— Rosanne Barr

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base."
— Dave Barry

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them."
— Emo Philips

Continue ReadingValentines Day Quotes

Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Continue ReadingTime-Honored Truths and Universal Laws

Points to Ponder… Why Ask Why?

Note: this list is meant to be funny, and was put together from various email posts. There’s no accounting for taste. Your mileage may vary. Don’t eat yellow snow.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

How can there be self-help groups?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren’t people from Holland called "Holes?"

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn’t a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

What is a "free" gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

What is the speed of dark?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

What’s another word for synonym?

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don’t have a row 13, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Continue ReadingPoints to Ponder… Why Ask Why?

Cynics Guide to Life

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Continue ReadingCynics Guide to Life

Bad Halloween Jokes

Author Unknown

Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What’s a monster’s favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What’s a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Q. How can you tell when you’re in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamas

Q. What’s pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
A. Grandma monster

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack

Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They’re good at keeping things under wraps

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf

Q. What’s the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts

Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person’s corn
flakes?
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they’d be M&M’s

Q. Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What do witches use on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It’s good for the bones

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash

Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away

Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin

Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula’s terror-tory

Q: Where does dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o- lantern by it’s circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don’t spook until your spooken to.

Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

Continue ReadingBad Halloween Jokes

Computer One-Liners

Author Unknown

Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend it didn’t happen?

Any given program will expand to fit available memory plus 1K

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something

Calm down — it’s only ones and zeroes

Computers are like the Old Testament God — lots of rules and no mercy

Computers eat time — We only THINK they run on electricity

Et verbum custodiat tibi vobiscum sicut erat in Principio! (May your data be restored to its original pristine condition)

Give generously – Help support the victims of computer error

Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked. If you can only curse at it, it’s software.

Has any of this time-saving technology ever let you go home one minute early?

Hit any key. With what?

Implementation is the fruitless struggle by the talented and underpaid to fulfill promises made by the rich and ignorant.

I’ve got a life but it won’t run on my operating system.

I keep hitting the escape key but I’m still here.

If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Insert disk 5 of 4 to continue

Press any key. NO! NO! Not that one!

System Implementation. 94% sweat, 6% fear

Tech Support is just a busy signal away

The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from.

There are now five canonical forms of the lie: commission, omission, statistics, graphs, and the Internet

THIS WILL END YOUR WINDOWS SESSION – I live for those six words

To continue, strike keyboard with forehead

Unlike the 50 million copies we’ve already sold you, this version actually works!

When all else failed, let a = 7. If that doesn’t work, read the manual.

Where’s the CNTRL-ALT-MAKE SENSE button?

You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting

You know better then to trust a strange computer.

Continue ReadingComputer One-Liners