Points to Ponder… Why Ask Why?

Note: this list is meant to be funny, and was put together from various email posts. There’s no accounting for taste. Your mileage may vary. Don’t eat yellow snow.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

How can there be self-help groups?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren’t people from Holland called "Holes?"

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn’t a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

What is a "free" gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

What is the speed of dark?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

What’s another word for synonym?

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don’t have a row 13, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Continue ReadingPoints to Ponder… Why Ask Why?

Cynics Guide to Life

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Continue ReadingCynics Guide to Life

Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”

Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”

Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, “Now how did that get there?”

Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”

Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”

Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”

Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.

Public restrooms are a breeding ground for awkwardness, and let’s face it—people do some truly bizarre things when they think they have a bit of privacy, even if they’re only separated from the next stall by a thin sheet of metal.

The list above is a goldmine of inappropriate bathroom humor that takes every social norm and flushes it with gusto. Whether it’s the horror of mystery fluids sliding under your stall or a surprise performance from the stall-side percussion section, these moments are exactly why some folks prefer to hold it in until they get home.

But jokes aside, they highlight just how important it is to have clean, private, and well-maintained restroom options in any public setting. That’s where Diamond outdoor bathrooms come in clutch—because not every event or site can rely on traditional brick-and-mortar facilities. Whether you’re managing a festival, a construction site, or an outdoor wedding, having high-quality portable restrooms that feel safe, sanitary, and not like the setting of a social prank war is a game-changer.

These units are designed with comfort and privacy in mind, helping you avoid both the chaos of crowded public bathrooms and the trauma of an unexpected cream corn splatter. With professional servicing and elevated design, they restore dignity to the public restroom experience—no cross-dressing newsletters or peanut butter mishaps included.

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

Permutations of Borg…

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Funny Lists

Author Unknown

Uuuh, this is like, Butt-Head of Borg. Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh. You will be ass-eliminated, or something. Uh, huh huh huh.

Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh m heh heh heh. That’s pretty cool. Ass-eliminated. Heh heh heh heh.

This is Buzzcut of Borg. You WILL be assimilated. DO YOU FIND THAT AMUSING, BUTT-HEAD?!

I am Cornholio of Borg! (heh heh heh). Your bungholes will be assimilated. I need TP for my bunghole.

#1 Hit on the Borg Top 40: We all sleep in a single subroutine.

#2 Hit on the Borg Top 40: Borg in the USA.

Abraham of Borg: Four score and Seven Assimilations ago…

Ah’m Bubba o’ Boahg. Y’all fixin’ t’ be assim’lated.

Al of Borg: Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.

All a Borg.

Assimilate me tender — Elvis of Borg

Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Borg Express, don’t be assimilated without it.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Tagline theft is futile.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Taglines are irrelevant.

Borg McCoy: Are you out of your assimilated Mind?!

Borg Moderator: Your topic is irrelevant.

Borg Starter Kit. Some assimilation required.

Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.

Borg spreadsheet program: Locutus 1-2-3

Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)

Borg, James Borg. Vodka Martini, Gin is irrelevant.

Borg-Cola: Not the choice of The Next Generation.

Borg-again Christian: Resistance to my sermon is futile

BorgBurgers: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.

BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename

Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.

Bugs Bunny of Borg: What’s up Collective?

C3PO: Artoo, the Chances of avoiding Assimilation are 3,945,876 to 1.

Caffeine of Borg: Sleep is irrelevant.

Can’t Get No Assimilation – Rolling Stones of BORG

Clinton of Borg: The economy is irrelevant.

Clinton of Borg: Hillary says resistance is futile.

CopyCat of Borg: Your tagline will be assimilated.

Dangerfield of Borg: Respect is irrelevant.

Descartes of Borg: I assimilate therefore I am

Ernest BORGnine… you be the judge.

Garfield of Borg: Hairballs are irrelevant.

Geraldo of Borg: Next brothers who assimilate sisters.

Ginsu of Borg: You will be assimilated – but WAIT! There’s MORE!

Go ahead creep, assimilate my day! — Clint Eastborg

GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO — Borg subroutines

Groucho Borg: That’s the silliest thing I ever assimilated.

HamBorg: To assimilate or not to assimilate… that is the question

Hans Solo: I have a very Borg feeling about this.

Have engaged the Borg, ring was assimilated.

HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.

Hillary of Borg: Choice is irrelevant.

Homer of Borg: Prepare to be… ooooohh, doughnuts!

Humphrey Borg-gart: Here’s assimilating you…. kid.

I am Agassi of Borg. Before I assimilate you, is my hair okay?

I am Bart of Borg. Who the hell are you?

I am Bart of Borg. Resistance is futile, You will eat my shorts.

I am Clinton of Borg. Your pain is irrelevant.

I am Daddy Of Borg. Bedtime! Resistance is futile.

I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.

I am Dyslexsic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.

I am Gates of Borg. OEMs will be assimilated.

I am Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be assimiwated.

I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess.

I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to pull my finger.

I am Joker of Borg. Prepare to have your ass humiliated.

I am Jordan of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.

I am Koresh of Borg. You will be incinerated.

I am Madonna of Borg. Gender is irrelevant.

I am Madonna of Borg. Justify my assimilation.

I am not a Borg, but I play one on TV.

I am OS/2 of Borg. DOS will be assimilated.

I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated.

I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat.

If a Borg assimilated in the forest, would anyone know?

Inhaling is irrelevant — Quayle of Borg

King Henry the Borg: Assimilate his ‘ead!

McBorgers: Over 50 million assimilated.

My other computer is a Borg.

P-Porky P-Pig of Borg: You will be assim-assim…absorbed

Popeye of Borg: Prepare to be askimilgrated.

Pythagoras of Borg: Distance is irrelevant.

Tennis is irrelevant — Bjorn Borg

That’s spelled B O R G E — Dan Quayleborg

The battle aint over ’till the fat Borg lady assimilates.

The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless.

The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.

The Borg: Cool, Calm and Collective.

The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg! Borg! Borg!

U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.

Uhura of Borg: Assimilation frequencies open, sir.

We are Borg. is futile is inevitable.

We are Daleks of Borg. ASSIMILATE! ASSI-MIL-ATE!!!!!!!

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

Welcome to Borg Burger. No pickles. Pickles are irrelevant.

What we have here is a failure to assimilate. — Cool Borg Luke

Yoda of Borg: Irrelevant the Force is

Yoooouuuuu’rreee Irrelevant! — Daffy Duck of Borg

Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.

I am Pentium of borg. Division is irrelevant. Mathematics is irrelevant. You will be… approximated.

I’ll assimilate you my pretty, and your little dog too. — Wicked Witch of Borg

I’m irrelevant? You’re irrelevant. This collective is irrelevant. This whole stinking system is irrelevant! — Al Pacino of Borg

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can assimilate for your country. — John Fitzgerald Borg

Well you have to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky punk. Was that five assimilations or six? I forget Myself. — Clint Eastborg

We are Barney of Borg. I love you. You love me. Resistance is futile.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? All of them.

How do you kill a Borg? Stick it in a roomful of blondes (nothing to assimilate).

Borg Answering Machine Message: WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

Orson Welles of borg: no assimilation before its time.

Healthy Trekkies work out at the He’s Dead Gym

Continue ReadingPermutations of Borg…

The Drunkard’s To Do List

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Funny Lists

by Frank Rich

The idea is to cross every item off this list. Of course if you do that, your liver will give out before you can actually tell anyone about it. But go ahead, give it a shot. Just don’t ask me to go with you.

1. Open and close a bar.

2. Go on a bender.

3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.

4. Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.

5. Spend a night in the drunk tank.

6. Get drunk on the grave of your hero.

7. Buy a crowded bar a round.

8. Embark on an impromptu road trip.

9. Get 86’d from a bar.

10. Extravagantly over-tip a bartender.

11. Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.

12. Conspire an after hours at your favorite bar.

13. Make your best friend a perfect martini.

14. Buy, build or steal a home bar.

15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies.

16. Get drunk with your father.

17. Fight a good fight.

18. Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.

19. Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.

20. Sit in on an A. A. meeting.

21. Hit a dozen bars in one night.

22. Try at least one hundred different drinks.

23. Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.

24. Juice on the job.

25. Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.

26. Give a hobo twenty bucks.

27. Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.

28. Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.

29. Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.

30. Go on a fishing trip with your pals.

31. Eat the worm.

32. Learn at least one traditional drinking song.

33. Steal some booze.

34. Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.

35. Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.

36. Try absinthe.

37. Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.

38. Work at least a week as a bartender.

39. Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.

40. Go to your place of worship loaded.

Find a rehab center if a family member or a friend shows signs of alcoholism. Recovery programs from places like NUMA – Los Angeles Detox and Rehab may be customized to help each patient in their journey to sobriety.

At Method Treatment, dual diagnosis rehab programs help patients overcome addiction while receiving support for underlying mental health issues. This comprehensive approach ensures better outcomes for long-term sobriety.

Continue ReadingThe Drunkard’s To Do List

Ten Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex

Author Unknown

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Continue ReadingTen Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex

Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

Author Unknown

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “TopSecret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run-around the house, screaming until they go away.

Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

If you plan to be a samurai or ninja for Halloween, you may want a wakizashi sword as part of your costume.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.

Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.

Continue ReadingWays To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

A Halloween Story

A Halloween Story

Author Unknown

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP… behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

on the heels of the terrified man….

 

 

 

 

 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

 

 

 

 

 

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

 

 

 

 

 

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything… his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

 

 

 

 

 

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition…….

 

 

 

 

 

and………..

 

 

 

 

 

…………………….the coffin stops.

Continue ReadingA Halloween Story