Funny One-liners

Funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that that would look great on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.

… yes, but not the inclination.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A cynic’s work is never done.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

A real friend isn’t someone you use and throw away. A real friend is someone you use again and again.

A splendid combination of talent and trouble…

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Actually, he’s more of a party mineral.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Advice is worth what you paid for it.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest – Mark Twain

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

And which dwarf are you?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out – Chekhov.

Any mental functions attempted in this area must be re-evaluated during a subsequent period. It has been discovered that standard logic works sideways in this area due to the influence of the occupant.

Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.

Any twelve people who can’t get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anything worth not doing is worth not doing well.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

As far as I’m concerned, all phone calls are obscene.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Axe me about Ebonics

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime – Balzac

Being weird isn’t enough.

Better living through denial.

Blessed are the cheesemakers??

Blithering Genius

Borrow money from pessimists… they don’t expect it back.

Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

Careful, I may be someone important.

Caution – I was not hired for my disposition.

Caution: Contents under pressure.

Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cynic: A person who has an accurate view of the world. Optimist: A cynic in the making. Pessimist: A cynic with a vivid memory

Cynic: n. Someone who sees things the way they really are.

Dare to think for yourself

Death or compliance – now that’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Department of Redundancy Department

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Desperately clinging to utopian illusions

Devious, cunning and inventive.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.

Dole for Pineapple.

Don’t be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.

Don’t believe everything you’re told.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Don’t eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They’re carrying.

Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too little to be let out alone.

Don’t mind me–I’ll just bleed.

Don’t panic. They’ll all be Taken Care Of.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Don’t take life seriously — it isn’t permanent.

Don’t try to engage my enthusiasm–I haven’t got one.

Don’t try to outweird me–I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don’t worry about the world ending today… It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia -then start worrying)

Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

Don’t you look at me in that tone of voice.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Dyslexics of the world – untie!

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

Earth is full. Go home.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Either I’ve been missing something, or nothing has been going on.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Ever get the impression that most netsurfers are actually monkeys searching for Shakespeare?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

Every organization appears to be headed by the secret agents of its enemies.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.

Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Feel safe tonight … Sleep with a cop.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Forms follow function. And often obliterates it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

Go on and try it. The worst you can do it make a fool of yourself in front of all your friends.

Go, and never darken my towels again – Groucho Marx

Gone crazy, be back shortly.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil – Machiavelli

Have an adequate day.

Have whatever kind of day you want.

He has a room temperature IQ.

He has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

He’s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heart attacks…god’s revenge for eating his animal friends

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born.

Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.

How about never? Is never good for you?

How can there be incompetence in the world? They don’t teach it in schools.

How do I know you’re not one of them?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …

Humpty Dumpty was pushed

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am glad the Old Masters are all dead. I only wish they had died sooner – Mark Twain

I am not a monotheist — the world looks as though it were designed by a committee.

I am the Imp of the Perverse – Knowing this won’t help you, either.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

I can see through your clothes

I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

I could say something brilliant at any moment!

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don’t have burnout, but I’m slightly singed.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I just don’t know…

I don’t like where this syllogism is going.

I don’t need you, you know–I can be lonely all by myself.

I don’t need your attitude, I have my own.

I don’t see you, so don’t pretend to be there.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I don’t work here; I’m a consultant.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes

I have no intention of telling you my real name

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

I have the body of a god …. Buddha

I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I know it all, I just can’t remember it simultaneously.

I like the way your mind malfunctions.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.

I never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.

I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think it’s hell.

I no longer fear hell — I’ve worked in Retail.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I souport publik edekasion

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I think – therefore I don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh

I think my brain has a mind of its own.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

I think we met in a past life and you were a dipstick then too.

I think you left the stove on.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I tried being reasonable once–I didn’t like it.

I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I was born weird — this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

I was raised to be charming, not sincere.

I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I’d like to speak with your inner baby-sitter.

I’d rather be dead.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I’m lost. I’ve gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m not depressed, I’m existentially challenged.

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

I’m not obnoxious, I’m verbally challenging.

I’m not panicking. I’m watching you panic. It’s much more entertaining.

I’m not shy — I’m studying my prey.

I’m not tense — just terribly alert.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence…

I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

I’ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.

I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If all else fails, read the directions.

If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice week.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If it doesn’t feel good – don’t do it twice.

If only the innocents knew…

If only there was some indication that the universe was doing it on purpose.

If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil…

If the music’s too loud, you’re too old

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If we quit voting will they all go away?

If you can’t dress weird, why dress at all?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you take me where I want to go, I’ll take you where you think we are.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

If you’re going down in flames, you might as well hit something big.

If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.

If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.

Illiterate? Write for help

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying "No hard feelings"

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Is it weird in here or is it me?

Is there a meaning to life? Sure, but it probably has something to do with corned beef.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

It is only trifles that irritate my nerves–Queen Victoria

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

It’s a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn’t understand.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

It’s been lovely but I have to scream now

It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

It’s hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.

It’s ok to do the right thing as long as you don’t get caught.

It’s polite to wait until you’re asked.

Continue ReadingFunny One-liners

Rejected Openings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

From theonering.net

One morning, when Harry Potter woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single wizard in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wand.

The sky above Privet Drive was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.

Stately, plump Neville Longbottom came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned: Wingardium leviosa!

To Severus Snape she is always the woman. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name. In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex. It was not that he felt any emotion akin to love for Lily Potter. All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind … and yet there was but one woman to him, and that woman was the late Lily Potter, of dubious and questionable memory.

There once was a boy named Dudley Dursley, and he almost deserved it.

Dumbledore was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Harry Potter signed it: and Potter’s name was good upon Diagon Alley, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Dumbledore was as dead as a door-nail.

Once upon a time there were four little wizards, and their names were Neville, Ron, Hermione, and Harry.

You don’t know about me without you have read a book by the name of “Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone;” but that ain’t no matter. That book was made by Ms. J. K. Rowling, and she told the truth, mainly. There was things which she stretched, but mainly she told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was Aunt Petunia, or Professor Dumbledore, or maybe Hermione. Aunt Petunia – my Aunt Petunia, she is – and Hermione, and Professor Dumbledore is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.

When Mr. Harry Potter of Privet Drive announced that he would shortly be celebrating his seventeenth birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk in Hogwarts.

In a cupboard under the stairs there lived a wizard. Not a nasty, dirty, dark cupboard, filled with threadbare sheets and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, cramped cupboard with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a wizard’s cupboard, and that means comfort.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wizardry, it was the age of Muggles, it was the epoch of Dumbledore, it was the epoch of Voldemort, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Hogwarts, we were all going direct to Azkaban –in short, the period was so far like the present period, that the Daily Prophet insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Hermione Grainger was not beautiful but young wizards seldom realized it when caught by her brilliance as Ron Weasley was.

Call me Hagrid.

Last night I dreamt I went to Hogwarts again.

Continue ReadingRejected Openings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Recent Fortune Cookies

From lunch today at Changs:
Your skills will accomplish what the force of many cannot.
Damn. I better get some skills quick. Seriously, though, this is one of the better fortunes I’ve ever received. Be neater if it were true.

From lunch last week at Changs:
Everywhere you choose to go, friendly faces will greet you.
I have nothing snarky to say about this one.

From quite a while ago:
Behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his own reflection.
Yeah, I think my mom stuffed this fortune cookie.

You will always be surrounded by true friends.
Protecting me from the mob of people with pitchforks, I presume.

Continue ReadingRecent Fortune Cookies

Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…

 3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

 2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

 1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

Continue ReadingWays To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped

Say what now?

Alternate meanings for common words.

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn’-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol’\:
A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips’\:
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

>Heroes \hee’-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left’ bangk’\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis’-tee\:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par’-u-doks\:
Two physicians.

Parasites \par’-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po’-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.

Primate \pri’-mat\:
Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef’\:
What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub’-er-nek\:
What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem’-stres\:
Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel’-fish\:
What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood’\:
Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood’-a-fed\:
Bringing litigation against a government official.

Continue ReadingSay what now?

Valentines Day Quotes

In Your Dreams
In Your Dreams

"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
— Dorothy Parker

"Women are cursed, and men are the proof."
— Rosanne Barr

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base."
— Dave Barry

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them."
— Emo Philips

Continue ReadingValentines Day Quotes

Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book

From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists:

10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself”
9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years”
8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up”
7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake”
6. “At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan”
5. “The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?”
4. “A Look at the Governor’s Balls”
3. “Politicians Who Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth”
2. “How to Push Through a Bill – Or a Steve or a Larry…”
1. “Why I Don’t Like Bush”

Continue ReadingChapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

12. Republican sticker on bumper, turning left on a no-left-turn intersection, kids in back seat screaming and flipping off other drivers: INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA

Continue ReadingHow To Identify Where A Driver Is From

Deja… What?

Author: Stacy Mineart

A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister.

Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu:

Deja boo: The feeling that I’ve been frightened like this before

Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.

Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.

Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.

Deja eau: the feeling I’ve smelled this perfume before.

Deja fu: The feeling I’ve been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: The feeling I’ve known who was on first before.

Deja jew: The feeling I’ve wandered in the desert like this before.

Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).

Deja loo: The feeling I’ve been to this bathroom before.

Deja moo: The feeling I’ve drank this milk before.

Deja mu: The feeling I’ve calculated the mean of this population before.

Deja new: The feeling I haven’t experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" – Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)

Deja ooh: The feeling I’ve exclaimed at these fireworks before.

Deja poo: The feeling I’ve stepped in this before.

Deja Q. The feeling I’ve encountered this entity before.

Deja rue: The feeling I’ve regretted this day before.

Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.

Deja too: The feeling that I’ve experienced this before, also.

Deja two: The feeling that I’ve experienced this before, twice.

Deja woo: The feeling that Heather has yelled at someone like this before.

Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.

Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.

DUH-ja-vu : The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!

Continue ReadingDeja… What?