funny lists

10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

author unknown

1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love (“The Way We Were,” “Titanic,” most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls “meeting cute” – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.

2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boomboxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to “Say Anything.” In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.

3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued (“A Very Special Favor,” “Three to Tango”). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?

4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You (“Bedrooms and Hallways,” “Claire of the Moon,” almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.

5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny (“The Graduate,” “The Tao of Steve”). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.

6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality (“Frankie and Johnny,” “The Truth About Cats and Dogs”). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.

7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun (“Pretty Woman,” “Working Girl”). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.

8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them “What It Means to Be a Woman” (“Woman of the Year,” “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hardbody. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.

9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work (“Love With the Proper Stranger,” “An Officer and a Gentleman,” “love jones”). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.

10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment (“The Way We Were,” “Now, Voyager,” “Casablanca”). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly. Yet, in this digital age, there’s a new avenue for connection that might just offer a refreshing perspective on romance and relationships: OnlyFans. You may also meet with Istanbul escorts to find attractive ladies you can date.

Here, users can explore a diverse range of creators who express their unique stories and experiences, some of which may resonate with our own ups and downs in love. With SubSeeker, the ultimate search engine for OnlyFans content creators, finding those connections becomes effortless. Their user-friendly interface makes it simple for subscribers to discover new creators and stay up-to-date on their favorite content, transforming the way we engage with intimacy and authenticity online. If you’re an OnlyFans content creator, then you may check out the best OnlyFans agencies here for professional marketing and management services. So, while the films may leave us pondering our own love lives, platforms like SubSeeker invite us to dive deeper into a world of connection where the narrative is shaped by real people, not just the reel.

Continue Reading10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Author Unknown

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define "chicken" please?

DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That’s what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 2000.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I’ve not been told.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the bequest of the President of the United States in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.

OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one???

Continue ReadingWhy Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

You Know You’re From Indiana When…

This page gets name-checked in a YouTube video critique of the list, from nthecgirl88.

You’ve never met any celebrities.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway and that is what the lawyers for DUI charges also feels like.

“Vacation” means driving through Amish Country or going to the State Fair.

You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

You know several people who have hit a deer.

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Terre Haute.”

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.

Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.

You know where all the Yoders live.

You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”

You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.

Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” or “Who are you gonna go with?”

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.

De-tassling was your first job (that’s de-tassling corn for you city folk).

Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.

You say catty-wumpus and kitty-corner.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, “It was different.”

You consider being called a “Pork Queen” an honor. (Note: My own niece was the Indiana State Fair Queen, so I know this is true.)

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what “cow tipping” is.

Continue ReadingYou Know You’re From Indiana When…

You Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70’s If:

This is the most accurate of these lists I have ever seen! I’ve checked off all the ones that are mine.

You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other…

You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobby Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with The Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

You had that Fisher Price Doctor’s kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. After training with these tools you became an expert at the game of “operation”.

Legos, Legos, Legos.

You owned a schwinn bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket. In the early 80’s you moved onto the ever-popular 10 speed. God that seat hurt.

Your roller skates had metal wheels.

Admit it…… you thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.

You had rubber boots for rainy days. Your shoes actually fit inside of the boots (with a little help from your mom and some plastic bags).

You had Tinkerbell bath products that change the color of the bath water. {yes, mine were from Avon}

You had either a “bowl cut” or a “pixie” because your mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic when people thought you were a boy.

Your sleeping bag was your most prized possession. {yep, my red snoopy bag}

You wore a “poncho” with your faux fur “muff” and your clogs.

You begged Santa for the electronic game… Simon which may be just as fun as 온카.

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded outfits. {didn’t have the dolls, but loved the show. My mom bought me purple socks to match Donnie’s. Too bad he’s such a jerk now.}

You spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze.

You were into ping pong. {This is Cate!}

You had homemade string barrettes in every imaginable color.

You kept losing your mittens so your mom bought you the kind that were attached by a string.

Your Hello Kitty pencil case was cuter than anyone else’s.

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. You despised Nellie Olson! {Not just the shirt! I had a whole dress mom made for me, and a BONNET! And I had all the books. Laura was cool. She still is.}

You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink.

Your hairstyle was ever described as having “wings”.

Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie. {This was more my little sister’s thing. And she loved the Peculiar Purple Pieman Of Porkupine Peak.}

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school. {I can’t remember my lunch box, except that I hated it because the other kids laughed at it.}

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazard was your boyfriend. {Well, not really. I wanted the car.}

You memorized every song on the “Annie” movie and know at least one person who immediately went out and got the Annie afro. Every now and then “Dumb Dog” will pop into your brain and you can’t stop singing it all day. {yes. I was actually offended when they remade it for tv on ABC last year. I thought the movie was the definitive version.}

You had Star Wars action figures, too. {yep, Leia. I have the new ones too.}

You thought unicorns were real. {I had every book you could think of and all these little ceramic figurines, and people gave them to me long after I stopped collecting them. Grandma gave me a unicorn a few years ago for Christmas.}

It was a big event in your household each year when the Wizard of Oz” would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags! {yes! I had a huge crush on Glinda.}

You wanted to be a part of the Von Trappe family. {yep! Love Julie Andrews, too.}

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. {yes, But that wasn’t as good a slumber party stunt as stealing everyone’s bras when they were asleep, getting them wet, and putting them in the freezer.}

You loved The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe so much you got the whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other books. {Well, I actually read all the books. I read them again in 1997.}

You completely wore-out your Grease and Saturday Night Fever soundtrack albums. {yep. I remember mom coming downstairs and catching me singing and doing a dance routine to Grease.}

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts things like yarn & Popsicle stick God’s Eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. {yes. Mom still has all this stuff in her house – the gods eyes and string art stuff is still hanging in our old rooms.}

Shrinky-dinks! What was so appealing about these? I loved the Raggedy Anne & Andy shrinky dinks. I still remember how the oven smelled when they were “baking”. {Everyone at work has been looking for these! We want to do some now that we’re adults. We feel we’re better artists now. A very helpful reader sent this in… you can buy a Shrinky Dinks book.}

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your miniature tape recorder up to the speaker. {yes, but the best thing to record was when we recorded my dad yelling his head off and played it back later, over and over, until he caught us.}

You couldn’t wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers. {yes. I had sooooo many of these books.}

You learned everything you needed to know about sex and your period from Judy Blume books. {yes, including that one that the neighbor girl loaned me, and mom took away because it described sex. But I snuck down and read it in the middle of the night.}

Continue ReadingYou Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70’s If:

List of Signature Phrases

Wikipedia has a great list of signature phrases — the unique lines associated with real or fictional characters, and they cover a lot of territory. Read it over; it will bring back some memories.

# “Aciao good night!” (Aciao bonsoir!) – P.P.D. the puppet in the French satiric show Les Guignols de l’Info, at the end of most of his broadcasts

# “Actual retail price, $ (dollar amount)…” – Bob Barker, on The Price is Right (He follows it with “…a difference of $ (dollar amount)” in the Card Game and concluding Showcase round, unless a contestant has overbid, in which case he says, “You’re over.”)

# “Aflac!” – Aflac Duck

# “After these messages, we’ll be right back.” – sung at the beginning of every commercial break on the old ABC Saturday morning cartoons

# “Ah-one, and ah-two…” – Lawrence Welk, directing his musical performers on The Lawrence Welk Show

# “Ahh, shaddap!” – Foghorn Leghorn on his cartoons. Also said by Sylvester and Yosemite Sam.

# “Ain’t I a stinker?” – Bugs Bunny

# “Ain’t the beer cold!” – the late Baltimore Orioles broadcaster

Continue ReadingList of Signature Phrases

Fun Things To Do At WalMart

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don’t realize it.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Try on bras over top of your clothes.

Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible… "I smell sex and candy"

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station – then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.

Put M&M’s on layaway.

Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won’t you people just leave me alone?’

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. X-Men.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission:Impossible.

Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.

In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “pick me, pick me.”

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no- It’s those voices again.

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud…”Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!".

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do At WalMart

Fun Things To Do in the Office

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are. However it doesn’t work if your boss copies you already.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be “xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. You can also add office chair mats for your own safety and comfort.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Compose all your e-mail in the form of a Haiku.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing,” and leave.

Organize a carpool. Then go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.

Send out flyers to your entire department/division announcing a required staff development program. When everyone arrives, show them slides from your vacation.

Tell everyone that you are quitting. At your going away party, announce that you were just joking. Make sure to take their presents.

Send out a notice saying that you have a brain tumor. After everyone in your office sends flowers and presents, send out another note telling everyone that it was not a brain tumor but just a bad headache.

When answering your phone, talk in a fake British accent.

Take a picture of your boss and have it framed. Display it in a prominent location on your desk.

Whenever a fellow staff member sneezes, quickly yell “SHUT UP!” If they sneeze a second time, follow up with “I SAID SHUT UP!”. A third time, leave the room crying while saying “NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!”.

In the summertime, get an inflatable swimming pool. Blow it up and fill it with water. Place it in the center of your office. During lunch time, put on your bathing suit and lounge in the pool. Anytime someone walks by, yell “HEY NO RUNNING AROUND THE POOL!”

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.

Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

While sitting in your cube, yodel.

Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do in the Office

Star Wars… Pants?

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words.

We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

Many Bobans died to bring us these pants.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Storm Trooper Bio-break
Storm Trooper Bio-break

Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.

TK-421… Why aren’t you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.

Luke… Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!

Luke…..I am your pants.

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.

Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister!

Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.

Continue ReadingStar Wars… Pants?

Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Continue ReadingTime-Honored Truths and Universal Laws

Points to Ponder… Why Ask Why?

Note: this list is meant to be funny, and was put together from various email posts. There’s no accounting for taste. Your mileage may vary. Don’t eat yellow snow.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

How can there be self-help groups?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren’t people from Holland called "Holes?"

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn’t a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

What is a "free" gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

What is the speed of dark?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

What’s another word for synonym?

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don’t have a row 13, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Continue ReadingPoints to Ponder… Why Ask Why?