funny lists

Cynics Guide to Life

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

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Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Damn, this water’s cold."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Say, "Interesting… more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

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Permutations of Borg…

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Author Unknown

Uuuh, this is like, Butt-Head of Borg. Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh. You will be ass-eliminated, or something. Uh, huh huh huh.

Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh m heh heh heh. That’s pretty cool. Ass-eliminated. Heh heh heh heh.

This is Buzzcut of Borg. You WILL be assimilated. DO YOU FIND THAT AMUSING, BUTT-HEAD?!

I am Cornholio of Borg! (heh heh heh). Your bungholes will be assimilated. I need TP for my bunghole.

#1 Hit on the Borg Top 40: We all sleep in a single subroutine.

#2 Hit on the Borg Top 40: Borg in the USA.

Abraham of Borg: Four score and Seven Assimilations ago…

Ah’m Bubba o’ Boahg. Y’all fixin’ t’ be assim’lated.

Al of Borg: Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.

All a Borg.

Assimilate me tender — Elvis of Borg

Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Borg Express, don’t be assimilated without it.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Tagline theft is futile.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Taglines are irrelevant.

Borg McCoy: Are you out of your assimilated Mind?!

Borg Moderator: Your topic is irrelevant.

Borg Starter Kit. Some assimilation required.

Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.

Borg spreadsheet program: Locutus 1-2-3

Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)

Borg, James Borg. Vodka Martini, Gin is irrelevant.

Borg-Cola: Not the choice of The Next Generation.

Borg-again Christian: Resistance to my sermon is futile

BorgBurgers: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.

BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename

Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.

Bugs Bunny of Borg: What’s up Collective?

C3PO: Artoo, the Chances of avoiding Assimilation are 3,945,876 to 1.

Caffeine of Borg: Sleep is irrelevant.

Can’t Get No Assimilation – Rolling Stones of BORG

Clinton of Borg: The economy is irrelevant.

Clinton of Borg: Hillary says resistance is futile.

CopyCat of Borg: Your tagline will be assimilated.

Dangerfield of Borg: Respect is irrelevant.

Descartes of Borg: I assimilate therefore I am

Ernest BORGnine… you be the judge.

Garfield of Borg: Hairballs are irrelevant.

Geraldo of Borg: Next brothers who assimilate sisters.

Ginsu of Borg: You will be assimilated – but WAIT! There’s MORE!

Go ahead creep, assimilate my day! — Clint Eastborg

GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO — Borg subroutines

Groucho Borg: That’s the silliest thing I ever assimilated.

HamBorg: To assimilate or not to assimilate… that is the question

Hans Solo: I have a very Borg feeling about this.

Have engaged the Borg, ring was assimilated.

HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.

Hillary of Borg: Choice is irrelevant.

Homer of Borg: Prepare to be… ooooohh, doughnuts!

Humphrey Borg-gart: Here’s assimilating you…. kid.

I am Agassi of Borg. Before I assimilate you, is my hair okay?

I am Bart of Borg. Who the hell are you?

I am Bart of Borg. Resistance is futile, You will eat my shorts.

I am Clinton of Borg. Your pain is irrelevant.

I am Daddy Of Borg. Bedtime! Resistance is futile.

I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.

I am Dyslexsic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.

I am Gates of Borg. OEMs will be assimilated.

I am Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be assimiwated.

I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess.

I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to pull my finger.

I am Joker of Borg. Prepare to have your ass humiliated.

I am Jordan of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.

I am Koresh of Borg. You will be incinerated.

I am Madonna of Borg. Gender is irrelevant.

I am Madonna of Borg. Justify my assimilation.

I am not a Borg, but I play one on TV.

I am OS/2 of Borg. DOS will be assimilated.

I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated.

I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat.

If a Borg assimilated in the forest, would anyone know?

Inhaling is irrelevant — Quayle of Borg

King Henry the Borg: Assimilate his ‘ead!

McBorgers: Over 50 million assimilated.

My other computer is a Borg.

P-Porky P-Pig of Borg: You will be assim-assim…absorbed

Popeye of Borg: Prepare to be askimilgrated.

Pythagoras of Borg: Distance is irrelevant.

Tennis is irrelevant — Bjorn Borg

That’s spelled B O R G E — Dan Quayleborg

The battle aint over ’till the fat Borg lady assimilates.

The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless.

The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.

The Borg: Cool, Calm and Collective.

The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg! Borg! Borg!

U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.

Uhura of Borg: Assimilation frequencies open, sir.

We are Borg. is futile is inevitable.

We are Daleks of Borg. ASSIMILATE! ASSI-MIL-ATE!!!!!!!

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

Welcome to Borg Burger. No pickles. Pickles are irrelevant.

What we have here is a failure to assimilate. — Cool Borg Luke

Yoda of Borg: Irrelevant the Force is

Yoooouuuuu’rreee Irrelevant! — Daffy Duck of Borg

Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.

I am Pentium of borg. Division is irrelevant. Mathematics is irrelevant. You will be… approximated.

I’ll assimilate you my pretty, and your little dog too. — Wicked Witch of Borg

I’m irrelevant? You’re irrelevant. This collective is irrelevant. This whole stinking system is irrelevant! — Al Pacino of Borg

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can assimilate for your country. — John Fitzgerald Borg

Well you have to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky punk. Was that five assimilations or six? I forget Myself. — Clint Eastborg

We are Barney of Borg. I love you. You love me. Resistance is futile.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? All of them.

How do you kill a Borg? Stick it in a roomful of blondes (nothing to assimilate).

Borg Answering Machine Message: WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

Orson Welles of borg: no assimilation before its time.

Healthy Trekkies work out at the He’s Dead Gym

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The Drunkard’s To Do List

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by Frank Rich

The idea is to cross every item off this list. Of course if you do that, your liver will give out before you can actually tell anyone about it. But go ahead, give it a shot. Just don’t ask me to go with you.

1. Open and close a bar.

2. Go on a bender.

3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.

4. Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.

5. Spend a night in the drunk tank.

6. Get drunk on the grave of your hero.

7. Buy a crowded bar a round.

8. Embark on an impromptu road trip.

9. Get 86’d from a bar.

10. Extravagantly over-tip a bartender.

11. Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.

12. Conspire an after hours at your favorite bar.

13. Make your best friend a perfect martini.

14. Buy, build or steal a home bar.

15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies.

16. Get drunk with your father.

17. Fight a good fight.

18. Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.

19. Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.

20. Sit in on an A. A. meeting.

21. Hit a dozen bars in one night.

22. Try at least one hundred different drinks.

23. Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.

24. Juice on the job.

25. Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.

26. Give a hobo twenty bucks.

27. Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.

28. Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.

29. Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.

30. Go on a fishing trip with your pals.

31. Eat the worm.

32. Learn at least one traditional drinking song.

33. Steal some booze.

34. Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.

35. Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.

36. Try absinthe.

37. Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.

38. Work at least a week as a bartender.

39. Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.

40. Go to your place of worship loaded.

Find a rehab center if a family member or a friend shows signs of alcoholism. Recovery programs from places like NUMA – Los Angeles Detox and Rehab may be customized to help each patient in their journey to sobriety.

At Method Treatment, dual diagnosis rehab programs help patients overcome addiction while receiving support for underlying mental health issues. This comprehensive approach ensures better outcomes for long-term sobriety.

Continue ReadingThe Drunkard’s To Do List

Ten Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex

Author Unknown

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Continue ReadingTen Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex

Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

Author Unknown

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “TopSecret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run-around the house, screaming until they go away.

Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

If you plan to be a samurai or ninja for Halloween, you may want a wakizashi sword as part of your costume.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.

Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.

Continue ReadingWays To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

A Halloween Story

A Halloween Story

Author Unknown

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP… behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

on the heels of the terrified man….

 

 

 

 

 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

 

 

 

 

 

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

 

 

 

 

 

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything… his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

 

 

 

 

 

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition…….

 

 

 

 

 

and………..

 

 

 

 

 

…………………….the coffin stops.

Continue ReadingA Halloween Story

Bad Halloween Jokes

Author Unknown

Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What’s a monster’s favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What’s a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Q. How can you tell when you’re in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamas

Q. What’s pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
A. Grandma monster

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack

Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They’re good at keeping things under wraps

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf

Q. What’s the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts

Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person’s corn
flakes?
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they’d be M&M’s

Q. Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What do witches use on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It’s good for the bones

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash

Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away

Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin

Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula’s terror-tory

Q: Where does dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o- lantern by it’s circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don’t spook until your spooken to.

Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

Continue ReadingBad Halloween Jokes