jokes – Page 29 – commonplacebook.com

Funny Shakespeare

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 26, 1999
Post category:Funny Lists One-Liners

Hamlet is a course and barbarous play. One might think thework is a product of a drunken savage’s imagination. – Voltaire

Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or are they just pretending to be mad?

Birnam Wood Reunion Staff

If I were Juliet, we’d have got away

If I were Romeo, we’d have got away

A most Extravagant Vagary – The Two Nobel Kinsman

Away! I do condemn mine ears, that have so long attended thee – Cymbeline

Confimer of False Reckonings – As You Like It

Brevity is the soul of wit – Hamlet

Dangerous & Unsuspected – Richard III

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece – Macbeth

He is not his craft’s master – Henry IV, Part 2

He thinks too much, such men are dangerous – Julius Caesar

Hell is empty, and all the Devils are here – Tempest

Here is a silly-stately style indeed – Henry VI, Part I

I do desire we may be better strangers – As You Like It

I muse you make so slight a question – Henry IV, Part 2

I took thee for thy better – Hamlet

Let’s meet as little as we can – As You Like It

Men’s vows are women’s traitors! – Cymbeline

More of your conversation would infect my brain – Coriolanus

O’ there has been much throwing about of brains – Hamlet

Sell when you can, you are not for all markets – As You Like It

Such bugs and goblins in my life! – Hamlet

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers – Henry VI, Part 2

There’s a stewed phrase indeed! – Troilus & Cressida

These giddy loose suggestions! – King John

They have been at a great feast of languages and stolen the scrapes – Love’s Labor Lost

This effect defective comes by cause – Hamlet

This petty brabble will undo us all – Titus Andronicus

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it – Hamlet

We allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you – Twelth Night

What impossible matter will we make easy next? – The Tempest

Wilt thou show the whole wealth of thy wit in an instant? – Merchant of Venice

You are strangely troublesome – Henry VIII

You put sharp weapons in a madman’s hands – Henry VI, Part 2

SciFi / Fantasy / SCA / D&D Jokes

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 26, 1999
Post category:One-Liners

Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology

Beyond the Final Frontier lies Bab 5

Could be a Hologram

Could be a figment of your imagination

Could be a mutation

Cross my hearts and hope to regenerate

Do you know where your towel is?

Dragon fodder

ELF: The Other White Meat

Free Mars Now!

He’s dim, Jed

How much is that in Federation Credits?

I am very interested in the future because I plan to spend the rest of my life there.

I don’t remember volunteering for this "Ring" business

I have no use for adventures — they’re nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things and
make you late for dinner

If there is anything in the universe more important than my ego, I want it taken
out and shot immediately.

I’ll have some of what that gentlebeing on the floor is drinking

It’s not my damn planet, Monkey Boy

Live wrong and preposterously

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup

My parents went to Sol 3 and all I got was this stupid human

Not all who wander are lost

Of course I’m in a bad mood — someone just dropped a house on my sister

Old Gallifreyan riddle — which came first the future or the past?

On my planet we laugh occasionally

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

Reality corrupts. Absolute reality corrupts absolutely

Reality is just one option

Reality is the opiate of the people

Save the universe — collect all five

So much for the old code against killing

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination

Spending a year dead for tax purposes

There is a very fine line between reality and fantasy — and I’d just as soon obscure
it

Time paradoxes will have given me a headache

Anachronists do it knightly

Anfractous: n. Full of twists and turns. Torturous. See Game’

Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse

Are we all being disintegrated, or is it just me?

Arrant Fool

Barbarian

Bards are beautiful

Berserkers do it without thinking

Better Living through Alchemy

Buggeth Off

Celt

Chatelaine

Chivalry is alive and well in the SCA

Concealed broadsword

Crossbows don’t kill people. Quarrels kill people

Dwarf

Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies

Follow me to the current Middle Ages

Gamers make better lovers — They know how to handle themselves in the dark

Have you hugged your Wench today?

Have you oppressed your peasants today?

Heralds do it with their companions

I like the Knight life

I thought YOU silenced the guard!

If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap

Imperious Rex

Knight Errant

Lady of the Knight

Live by the sword — Die by the crossbow

Maiden in Distress

Maybe if we attack, it will get confused, and make a mistake

Merde Occureth

Never, EVER, throw a fireball in a closed room.

Never trust a smiling game master

No Quarter

No, seriously, how much damage did I take?

Norman

Oh Regrettable Knight!

N’er-do-well

Peace through superior swordplay

Practice save government — use kingdoms

Retired Barbarian

Saxon

SCA – medieval re-creation and recreation

Scoundrel

Shameless Hussy

So many monsters, so little time

Spellmonger

SSDA — same s***, different age

Surely you Joust?

Swordjock

Take a journey through time, join the SCA

The Game Master is Not God. God is one of my little NPC’s.

The King is a fink

Those spurs are, I must say, a provocative addition to your wardrobe.

Trollop

Umm… Can I UN-cast that Fireball? I think it made him mad

Unprincipled Rake

Uppity Wench

What guard?

Waste a Knight with me

You bash the Balrog, I’ll climb a tree

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 23, 1999
Post category:Fun Stuff To Do Funny Lists

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Make race car noises when people get on and off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

Whistle the first 7 notes of "It’s a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

One word: Flatulence!

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I’ve got new socks on."

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, doggone motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You’re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, then say, "Mmmmm…..tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

Play the accordion.

Shadow box.

Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it’s getting bigger."

If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

You Know You Work In The ’90s When…

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 23, 1999
Post category:Funny Lists Jokes Work Jokes You Know You're A...

“Cleaning up the dining area” means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s home page to your bookmarks.

You have a "to-do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.

You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

You refer to your flat filing cabinet as “the dining room table.”

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o’clock.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Art involves a white board.

You’re already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Being sick is defined as “can’t walk” or “you’re in the hospital.”

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your boss’ favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you’re freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

You read this entire list and understood it.

Hillary Looks Ahead

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 21, 1999
Post category:Current Events Jokes Politics

Author Unknown

During the recent visit to Martha’s Vineyard, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her one question. "Will I be acquitted?"

The 8 Worst Convenience Foods

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 16, 1999
Post category:Funny Lists

By PENMART10@aol.com

8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA):
Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well,harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as asource of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to aclassic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports):
The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.):
If you’re really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you’ll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.):
From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it’s stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery):
You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it’s a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products):
Possibly the world’s most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product’s titular robin isn’t actually blind, he’s blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate (Kylmaenen Oy):
This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa’s sleigh team — he didn’t want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.):
Nothing you’ve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you’re the sort who’s always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

Darwin Awards 1999

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 1999
Post category:Funny Lists True Stories

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a Shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Another Frog Story

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 1999
Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it’s Kermit Jagger and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything to use as collateral.

"Sure," the frog says. " I have this." He produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant about half an inch tall.

Very confused, Ms. Whack explains that she’ll have to consult the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There’s a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. " I mean what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks at her and says:

"It’s a Knick Knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone."

Be Careful What You Wish For…

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 1999
Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends,that he says to the mermaid: "Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider."

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view on the universe…won’t you ask for something else…a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it’s usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

And he became a woman.