A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems).
A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky roommate to go out and celebrate with him. His roommate didn’t feel like going out, because he wanted to stay at home and bake cookies from a Neiman-Marcus recipe that someone had paid $250 for and had forwarded to every person in America over the Internet.
Every office has an Office Spaz, an Office Psycho, an Office Lump, and an Office Martyr. Which one are you?
1. Your boss is giving a presentation to the 15 members of the Board of Trustees in 20 minutes. You notice a typo on page 5 of the 20-page document she will be handing out. You:
a. Call the boss’s AA and the intern who put the document together, scream at both of them for not catching the mistake, then make them reprint 15 copies of page 5, unbind all 15 copies and reinsert the new page 5 before the boss goes into the meeting.
b. Reprint page 5, unbind and reinsert the new page yourself, all the while telling everyone within earshot how you caught the AA’s mistake, and you are taking it on yourself to correct it.
c. Whiteout the error on page 5 and write in the correct word using a felt tip pen.
d. Ignore it because nobody is going to read a 20-page document anyway.
2. When the practical joker in the office strikes, you:
a. Get angry with him and tell him he obviously doesn’t have enough work to do.
b. Are working so hard you don’t even notice.
c. Laugh along with the rest of the staff at the practical joke he played on you.
d. Get inspired to plan a practical joke of your own.
3. The IT department is working on the network, which causes your computer to crash about every half-hour. You:
a. Call the Vice-President of Information Technology every time your computer goes down to complain because you don’t have time for this.
b. Tell all of your co-workers you are saving every 5 minutes to deal with this burden, and encourage them to do the same.
c. Run out of your office every time the network goes down, yelling "Is anyone else having computer problems?"
d. Stop working and make some personal phone calls.
4. The new summer intern is working on a document for you but his computer skills are limited. When you get the first draft of the document, it is a total mess. He didn’t even run Spell Check. You:
a. Throw the document at him and loudly tell him to learn how to set up a document, FAST.
b. Rework the document yourself.
c. Waste an entire day helping him set up the document, even if you have work waiting on your desk.
d. Are happy that your workload has dropped off since he arrived.
5. The CEO has asked you to work on a last minute project for him. It will require a lot of long days and weekend work. Your assistant has had a vacation scheduled for several months that now falls during the middle of the project. You:
a. Tell him to either cancel his plans or look for another job.
b. Tell you can handle the extra work for one week and he should just enjoy his vacation.
c. Frantically ask anyone on your team if they could play assistant for you during that week.
d. Plan to call in sick that week.
6. A staff meeting is held and you need to present some data, but you didn’t have time to thoroughly research your subject. One of your co-workers challenges you during the meeting on a point you made. You:
a. Begin attacking her credibility until she backs off.
b. Apologetically tell the staff you will double check your information and get back to them.
c. Agree with your co-worker.
d. Tell the staff you didn’t have time to do your research very thoroughly because of all the other things you were working on.
7. A co-worker has been out on maternity leave. When she brings the new baby in to meet the office staff, you:
a. Congratulate her quickly and get back to your work.
b. Fuss over the baby while telling her your baby horror stories, i.e., "My sisters baby was so big, he got stuck on her pubic bone on the way out."
c. Excitedly run through the office to tell everyone to "come see our new employee."
d. Stay with her and the baby until she leaves.
8. The co-worker who was out on maternity leave comes back to work. The staff decides to take her to lunch to celebrate her return. While at lunch, you:
a. Ate lunch at your desk to get work done.
b. Told her to call you if she needs ANYTHING.
c. Told her she should join the gym to get that baby weight off.
d. Had two beers.
9. A department director complains to your boss about something you did. Your boss calls you into her office to discuss the complaint. You:
a. Go back to your desk and enroll the complaining director in 15 different Internet porn email lists.
b. Apologize repeatedly to your boss and offer to contact the director to apologize.
c. Burst into hysterical tears.
d. Think about something else as your boss talks.
10. Every time you deal with the receptionist in the HR office, she treats you rudely and never answers your questions. You go to the HR office to get new forms and she tells you she doesn’t have the forms you need so you’ll have to come back next week. You:
a. Make a scene, tell her to get off her fat butt and run new copies of the form.
b. Thank her and tell her you’ll try to get back there next week if you can.
c. Tell her you can’t get back there next week because you’ll be busy and you need the forms now because the insurance company need the forms by Friday and if you don’t get the forms you will have all sorts of problems and…
d. Thank her for being so rude and walk out.
SCORING: Count the number of each letter you chose. If you chose one letter four times or more you may be one of these office types. Keep in mind that the more times you chose one letter, the more likely you are this type, i.e., 10 A’s means you are a total Psycho.
Four or more A’s: You are the Office Psycho. You work 16 hours a day, every day including weekends, in part because you work inefficiently and do not manage your time well. You expect your staff and co-workers to work the same way you do, including long days and weekends. You may be anal-retentive and/or obsessive/compulsive, which you call “detail-oriented.” You get angry easily and yell at everyone around you. You are probably a manager or director because your bosses appreciate your hard work. However, your co-workers probably hate you, and your staff would like to kill you. You have probably gone through several assistants throughout your career. Your behavior has most likely cost the company many good people who have left rather than continue working with you. Seek therapy! There is more to life than work.
Four or more B’s: You are the Office Martyr, the patron saint of the office. You take on more than your fair share of the work, and then let everyone know how long suffering you are. Your co-workers come to you when they need a favor and you always say yes, expecting them to return the favor, but they never do, because you never ask. When you get angry, you show it in a passive/aggressive manner, never directly. You may feel unappreciated and you probably are correct. You are probably frustrated because people expect so much more of you but it is you who allows people to take advantage of you. As long as you continue to play martyr nothing will ever change. Learn to say no and not feel guilty. Also, learn to talk yourself up.
Four or more C’s: You are the Office Spaz: When practical jokes are played in the office, you are usually the butt of those jokes. You have a tendency to say the first thing that comes out of your mouth without thinking of the repercussions. You are probably an emotional person, and you react to every situation with open emotions. Your co-workers probably think you are weird, and may even think of you as incompetent no matter how good you are at your job. How your co-workers view you can be important, especially if your company does peer reviews. Think more about your actions before you do or say something. And remember, the office is a political environment. Always put yourself in the best possible light.
Four or more D’s: You are the Office Lump: When there is nothing to do, you are the first one to do it. You don’t take the job very seriously, and as a result, your work is often late, sloppy, and full of mistakes. You fill a chair and that is about it. For you, it is just a job. You probably don’t make an effort to interact much with your co-workers because you don’t really care to know those people. Your coworkers resent your laziness and complain to the boss often. You should always have a quick job lined up, because chances are that you will eventually be fired.
Fairly even mix of all letters: You are the average office worker. Everyone has psycho days, spaz days, lump days and martyr days. Just be aware of yourself, and always be willing to apologize to co-workers after you’ve had a bad day.
Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"
"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God’s love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"
Join the dynamic team here at SoulWaste. We want people who believe in the hi-tech religion and who are willing to work 60 hour weeks under florescent lights in grey buildings with windows that don’t open. After all, the earth will stop rotating on its axis if our product doesn’t get out the door before the competition.
You must be a mindless zealot who’s idea of a good time is playing MacIntosh computer games on nights and weekends and who’s conversations with other people sound like a Wang commercial. You must believe in the Yuppie vision of the world as shown in Wang, H-P, and AT&T commercials where people are shown thinking about their job while swimming or walking their dog and where everybody is inadequate if they haven’t purchased the latest wiz-bang box or felt anxious guilt if their office system isn’t networked to everything more hi-tech than a Smith-Corona typewriter.
Yes, we don’t just want your hours at SoulWaste — we want your soul!!
Qualifications:
1. Must be willing to sacrifice any semblance of real life for carrots held at the end of sticks i.e. BIG BUCKS.
2. Must have huge repertoire of computer buzzwords in vocabulary.
3. Must feel the same degree of mania as company management when products are late getting out the door.
4. Must have no social life — ’cause we’re gonna fatigue you so much you ain’t gonna have one anyway.
5. Oh, yeah, must know the C programming language.
Direct inquiries to this dynamic and growing conspiracy, I mean, er, company to:
Simon LeGree
SoulWaste Corporation
Telephone: 1-800-FAUSTUS
In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
The employees told their supervisors: "It’s a crock of shit and it stinks!"
The supervisors then told the department heads: "It’s a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor."
The department heads then told the managers: "It’s a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."
The managers then told the director: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
The director then told the VP: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
The VP told the Executive-VP: "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
The Executive-VP told the President: "It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."
And the President reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in mypants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00.
The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".
The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager".
The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager".
And so it went on – the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.
Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.
The moral of this story is: "You don’t have to be a brain to be a manager – just an asshole!"