Work Jokes

Company Christmas Party Memo

Santa Bag

author unknown

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources
Director
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Continue ReadingCompany Christmas Party Memo

11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work

Author Unknown

  1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
  2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
  3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
  4. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
  5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
  6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
  7. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
  8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
  9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
  10. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
  11. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
Continue Reading11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work

Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO

Author Unknown

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn’t come in different colors with little "M"’s on them.

and Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

Continue ReadingTop Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Author Unknown

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Active Socially:
Drinks heavily.

Alert To Company Developments:
An office gossip.

Approaches Difficult Problems With Logic:
Finds someone else to do the job.

Average:
Not too bright.

Character Above Reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.

Competent:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious And Careful:
Scared.

Consults With Supervisor Often:
Pain in the ass.

Demonstrates Qualities Of Leadership:
Has a loud voice.

Deserves Promotion:
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

Enjoys Job:
Needs more to do.

Exceptionally Well Qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses Self Well:
Can string two sentences together.

Gets Along Extremely Well With Superiors And Subordinates Alike:
A coward.

Happy:
Paid too much.

Hard Worker:
Usually does it the hard way.

Indifferent To Instruction:
Knows more than superiors.

Is Unusually Loyal:
Wanted by no-one else.

Judgement Is Usually Sound:
Lucky.

A Keen Analyst:
Thoroughly confused.

Keen Sense Of Humor:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Maintains Professional Attitude:
A snob.

Meticulous In Attention To Detail:
A nitpicker.

Not A Desk Person:
Did not go to college.

Of Great Value To The Organization:
Turns in work on time.

Quick Thinking:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires Work-Value Attitudinal Readjustment:
Lazy and hard-headed.

Should Go Far:
Please.

Slightly Below Average:
Stupid.

Spends Extra Hours On The Job:
Miserable home life.

Stern Disciplinarian:
A real jerk.

Strong Adherence To Principles:
Stubborn.

Tactful In Dealing With Superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes Pride In Work:
Conceited.

Takes Advantage Of Every Opportunity To Progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.

Unlimited Potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses Resources Well:
Delegates everything.

Uses Time Effectively:
Clock watcher.

Very Creative:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Well Organized:
Does too much busywork.

Will Go Far:
Relative of management.

Zealous Attitude:
Opinionated.

Continue ReadingDictionary of Evaluation Comments

Job Advertisment Glossary

Author Unknown

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Continue ReadingJob Advertisment Glossary

Customer "Support" At A Phone Company

From: Jay Sekora

I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty. Towards the end of his very long and unproductive call he was starting to get exasperated, and the following (paraphrased) exchange ensued.

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Travel Agent Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents…

A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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The Bricklayer’s Accident Report

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer’s report:

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

Continue ReadingThe Bricklayer’s Accident Report

Actual Job Interview Excerpts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights:

Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.

Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

Continue ReadingActual Job Interview Excerpts