Work Jokes

Business Horoscopes

author unknown

What your business degree really says about you…

MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that "Geeks shall inherit the Earth."

ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your"carpal tunnel syndrome."

ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above – Same sign, different title.)

CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing Your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term "GO POSTAL."

Continue ReadingBusiness Horoscopes

You Know You Work In The ’90s When…

“Cleaning up the dining area” means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s home page to your bookmarks.

You have a "to-do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.

You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

You refer to your flat filing cabinet as “the dining room table.”

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o’clock.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Art involves a white board.

You’re already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Being sick is defined as “can’t walk” or “you’re in the hospital.”

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your boss’ favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you’re freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

You read this entire list and understood it.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Work In The ’90s When…

Hurdling Cube Walls – A real memo from my work

Steph Mineart

Intercompany Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Facilities
Date: April 3, 1998

Subject: Hurdling Cube Walls

Please read the following message if you are located at Parkwood.

Please be advised that an injury occurred recently when someone climbed over a manager station cube wall. Do NOT, under any circumstance, climb over these walls. There are two keys available for each of these cube offices. If you are at Parkwood both keys were given to you when you arrived at your new station. Please give the extra key from that station to your Administrative Assistant or to Facilities so that someone has access to your office in the event you are not at work. These cubes are not currently mastered keyed. We are working with the furniture manufacturer to get this resolved.

Continue ReadingHurdling Cube Walls – A real memo from my work

Total Eclipse of Communication

author unknown

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

"Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen."

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

"By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’ clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday."

From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

"By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o’clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday."

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

"If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o’ clock."

From : Foreman
To : All Operators

"Tomorrow morning at nine o’ clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It’s a pity that we can’t see this happen everyday."

Continue ReadingTotal Eclipse of Communication

Great Business Mergers

Author Unknown

If only these companies would merge…

Xerox and Wurlitzer:
They’re going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems:
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & goodyear:
mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Honey, I’m Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Poupon Pants

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da

The most obvious candidates for a merger: Netscape and Yahoo.
The resulting company will be called: "Net ‘n’ Yahoo."

Continue ReadingGreat Business Mergers

12 Signs You’re Suffering From Work Burnout

Author Unknown

  1. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
  2. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
  3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
  4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
  5. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.
  6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
  7. You sleep more at work than at home.
  8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
  9. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
  10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
  11. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
  12. You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know your cellphone will go off before your alarm does.
Continue Reading12 Signs You’re Suffering From Work Burnout

The Boss

Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.

Quote from the Boss… “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”

A direct quote from the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.” Learn here the difference between temporary vs part time employment for more info.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!”

HR Manager to job candidate: “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”

Quote from telephone inquiry: “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.”

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, “What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Continue ReadingThe Boss

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time on a project, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time on a project, she/he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, she/he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, she/he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, she/he’s being firm.

When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, she/he’s being original.

When you try to please your boss, you’re being sycophantic.
When your boss pleases his/her boss, she/he’s being cooperative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, she/he’s on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunk.
When your boss does the same, she/he appreciates fine wine.

When you’re a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, she/he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because she/he’s overworked.

Continue ReadingDifferences Between You and Your Boss

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common, not just restricted to the higher ups.

Continue Reading25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

7. "I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

5. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands!"

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "Amen"

Continue ReadingTop 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk