Yearly Archives: 2000

Instructions For Life

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1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Memorize your favorite poem.

3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I’m sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask,"Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Call your mom.

16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

17. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

18. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.

19. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

20. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

23. Spend some time alone.

24. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

26. Read more books and watch less TV.

27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.

28. Trust in God, but lock your car.

29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

31. Read between the lines.

32. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

33. Be gentle with the earth.

34. Pray. There’s immeasurable power in it.

35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

36. Mind your own business.

37. Don’t trust a man/woman who doesn’t close his/her eyes when you kiss.

38. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth’s greatest satisfaction.

40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

41. Learn the rules then break some.

42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

44. Remember that your character is your destiny.

45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Continue ReadingInstructions For Life

Hindsight

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by Guy Kawasaki

Palo Alto High School Baccalaureate Speech 6/11/95

Speaking to you today marks a milestone in my life. I am 40 years old. 22 years ago, when I was in your seat, I never, ever thought I would be 40 years old.

The implications of being your speaker frightens me. For one thing, when a 40 year old geezer spoke at my baccalaureate ceremony, he was about the last person I’d believe. I have no intention of giving you the boring speech that you are dreading. This speech will be short, sweet, and not boring.

I am going to talk about hindsights today. Hindsights that I’ve accumulated in the 20 years from where you are to where I am. Don’t blindly believe me. Don’t take what I say as "truth." Just listen. Perhaps my experience can help you out a tiny bit. I will present them ala David Letterman. Yes, 40-year old people can still stay up past 11.

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible.

When I spoke at this ceremony two years ago, this was the most popular hindsight-except from the point of view of the parents. Thus, I knew I was on the right track.

I was a diligent Oriental in high school and college. I took college-level classes and earned college-level credits. I rushed through college in 3 1/2 years. I never traveled or took time off because I thought it wouldn’t prepare me for work and it would delay my graduation. Frankly, I blew it.

You are going to work the rest of your lives, so don’t be in a rush to start. Stretch out your college education. Now is the time to suck life into your lungs-before you have a mortgage, kids, and car payments.

Take whole semesters off to travel overseas. Take jobs and internships that pay less money or no money. Investigate your passions on your parent’s nickel. Or dime. Or quarter. Or dollar. Your goal should be to extend college to at least six years.

Delay, as long as possible, the inevitable entry into the workplace and a lifetime of servitude to bozos who know less than you do, but who make more money. Also, you shouldn’t deprive your parents of the pleasure of supporting you.

#9 Pursue joy, not happiness.

This is probably the hardest lesson of all to learn. It probably seems to you that the goal in life is to be "happy." Oh, you maybe have to sacrifice and study and work hard, but, by and large, happiness should be predictable. Nice house. Nice car. Nice material things.

Take my word for it, happiness is temporary and fleeting. Joy, by contrast, is unpredictable. It comes from pursuing interests and passions that do not obviously result in happiness.

Pursuing joy, not happiness will translate into one thing over the next few years for you: Study what you love. This may also not be popular with parents. When I went to college, I was "marketing driven." It’s also an Oriental thing.

I looked at what fields had the greatest job opportunities and prepared myself for them. This was brain dead. There are so many ways to make a living in the world, it doesn’t matter that you’ve taken all the "right" courses. I don’t think one person on the original Macintosh team had a classic "computer science" degree.

You parents have a responsibility in this area. Don’t force your kids to follow in your footsteps or to live your dreams. My father was a senator in Hawaii. His dream was to be a lawyer, but he only had a high school education. He wanted me to be a lawyer.

For him, I went to law school. For me, I quit after two weeks. I view this a terrific validation of my inherent intelligence.

#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is to accept the known and resist the unknown. You should, in fact, do exactly the opposite: challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

Let me tell you a short story about ice. In the late 1800s there was a thriving ice industry in the Northeast. Companies would cut blocks of ice from frozen lakes and ponds and sell them around the world. The largest single shipment was 200 tons that was shipped to India. 100 tons got there unmelted, but this was enough to make a profit.

These ice harvesters, however, were put out of business by companies that invented mechanical ice makers. It was no longer necessary to cut and ship ice because companies could make it in any city during any season.

These ice makers, however, were put out of business by refrigerator companies. If it was convenient to make ice at a manufacturing plant, imagine how much better it was to make ice and create cold storage in everyone’s home.

You would think that the ice harvesters would see the advantages of ice making and adopt this technology. However, all they could think about was the known: better saws, better storage, better transportation.

Then you would think that the ice makers would see the advantages of refrigerators and adopt this technology. The truth is that the ice harvesters couldn’t embrace the unknown and jump their curve to the next curve.

Challenge the known and embrace the unknown, or you’ll be like the ice harvester and ice makers.

#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play non-contact sports.

Learn a foreign language. I studied Latin in high school because I thought it would help me increase my vocabulary. It did, but trust me when I tell you it’s very difficult to have a conversation in Latin today other than at the Vatican. And despite all my efforts, the Pope has yet to call for my advice.

Learn to play a musical instrument. My only connection to music today is that I was named after Guy Lombardo. Trust me: it’s better than being named after Guy’s brother, Carmen. Playing a musical instrument could be with me now and stay with me forever. Instead, I have to buy CDs at Tower.

I played football. I loved football. Football is macho. I was a middle linebacker–arguably, one of the most macho position in a macho game. But you should also learn to play a non-contact sport like basketball or tennis. That is, a sport you can play when you’re over the hill.

It will be as difficult when you’re 40 to get twenty-two guys together in a stadium to play football as it is to have a conversation in Latin, but all the people who wore cute, white tennis outfits can still play tennis. And all the macho football players are sitting around watching television and drinking beer.

#6: Continue to learn.

Learning is a process not an event. I thought learning would be over when I got my degree. It’s not true. You should never stop learning. Indeed, it gets easier to learn once you’re out of school because it’s easier to see the relevance of why you need to learn.

You’re learning in a structured, dedicated environment right now. On your parents’ nickel. But don’t confuse school and learning. You can go to school and not learn a thing. You can also learn a tremendous amount without school.

#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself.

I know a forty year old woman who was a drug addict. She is a mother of three. She traced the start of her drug addiction to smoking dope in high school.

I’m not going to lecture you about not taking drugs. Hey, I smoked dope in high school. Unlike Bill Clinton, I inhaled. Also unlike Bill Clinton, I exhaled.

This woman told me that she started taking drugs because she hated herself when she was sober. She did not like drugs so much as much as she hated herself. Drugs were not the cause though she thought they were the solution.

She turned her life around only after she realized that she was in a downward spiral. Fix your problem. Fix your life. Then you won’t need to take drugs. Drugs are neither the solution nor the problem.

Frankly, smoking, drugs, alcohol–and using an IBM PC–are signs of stupidity. End of discussion.

#4: Don’t get married too soon.

I got married when I was 32. That’s about the right age. Until you’re about that age, you may not know who you are. You also may not know who you’re marrying.

I don’t know one person who got married too late. I know many people who got married too young. If you do decide to get married, just keep in mind that you need to accept the person for what he or she is right now.

#3: Play to win and win to play.

Playing to win is one of the finest things you can do. It enables you to fulfill your potential. It enables you to improve the world and, conveniently, develop high expectations for everyone else too.

And what if you lose? Just make sure you lose while trying something grand. Avinash Dixit, an economics professor at Princeton, and Barry Nalebuff, an economics and management professor at the Yale School of Organization and Management, say it this way:

"If you are going to fail, you might as well fail at a difficult task. Failure causes others to downgrade their expectations of you in the future. The seriousness of this problem depends on what you attempt."

In its purest form, winning becomes a means, not an end, to improve yourself and your competition.

Winning is also a means to play again. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining. The rewards of winning–money, power, satisfaction, and self-confidence–should not be squandered.

Thus, in addition to playing to win, you have a second, more important obligation: To compete again to the depth and breadth and height that your soul can reach. Ultimately, your greatest competition is yourself.

#2: Obey the absolutes.

Playing to win, however, does not mean playing dirty. As you grow older and older, you will find that things change from absolute to relative. When you were very young, it was absolutely wrong to lie, cheat, or steal. As you get older, and particularly when you enter the workforce, you will be tempted by the "system" to think in relative terms. "I made more money." "I have a nicer car." "I went on a better vacation."

Worse, "I didn’t cheat as much on my taxes as my partner." "I just have a few drinks. I don’t take cocaine." "I don’t pad my expense reports as much as others."

This is completely wrong. Preserve and obey the absolutes as much as you can. If you never lie, cheat, or steal, you will never have to remember who you lied to, how you cheated, and what you stole. There absolutely are absolute rights and wrongs.

#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

This is the most important hindsight. It doesn’t need much explanation. I’ll just repeat it: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone. Nothing-not money, power, or fame-can replace your family and friends or bring them back once they are gone. Our greatest joy has been our baby, and I predict that children will bring you the greatest joy in your lives–especially if they graduate from college in four years.

And now, I’m going to give you one extra hindsight because I’ve probably cost your parents thousands of dollars today. It’s something that I hate to admit too.

By and large, the older you get, the more you’re going to realize that your parents were right. More and more-until finally, you become your parents. I know you’re all saying, "Yeah, right." Mark my words.

Remember these ten things: if just one of them helps you helps just one of you, this speech will have been a success:

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible.
#9 Pursue joy, not happiness.
#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.
#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play non-contact sports.
#6: Continue to learn.
#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself.
#4: Don’t get married too soon.
#3: Play to win and win to play.
#2: Obey the absolutes.
#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

Continue ReadingHindsight

Twenty Keys to a Happy Life

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1. Compliment three people every day.

2. Watch a sunrise.

3. Be the first to say "Hello."

4. Live beneath your means.

5. Treat everyone as you want to be treated.

6. Never give up on anybody; miracles happen.

7. Forget the Jones’s.

8. Remember someone’s name.

9. Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.

10. Be tough-minded, but tender-hearted.

11. Be kinder than you need to be.

12. Don’t forget that a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.

13. Keep your promises.

14. Learn to show cheerfulness even when you don’t feel it.

15. Remember that overnight success usually takes 15 years.

16. Leave everything better than you found it.

17. Remember that winners do what losers do not want to do.

18. When you arrive at work in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone’s day.

19. Don’t rain on the parades of others.

20. Don’t waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Continue ReadingTwenty Keys to a Happy Life

The Ultimate Survey

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Every so often, someone sends around one of those massive “getting to know you” questionnaires and everyone answers. I’ve done it so many times that I finally just created a web page for mine, added questions that hadn’t already been included, and sent the URL to them. So if you want to know more about me than my own mother (or any living person actually should know) here’s the big, fat list.

Who Are You?

What is your full name as it appears on you birth certificate: Redacted

What do you like to be called: Hawthorn

What are your nicknames: Hawthorn

What is your alias? (Middle name, street you grew up on): Redacted Belmont

What’s your Mobster Nickname: "Aces" Mineart

What’s your Star Wars Nickname: Hawmi Grdes, trafox of Zyrtec

What’s your Spell Check name (words that replace your name in spell check): Hawthorn Minaret

Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: 50

What’s your Sun sign: Gemini

What’s your Moon sign: Gemini

What’s your Constellation Rising: Gemini. I know… this means I’m not two people, but six. Scary.

Notable Events on the Day You Were Born: Robert Kennedy was shot on June 5, 1968 and died an hour before I was born.

Hometown: Indianapolis, Indiana

Current Residence: Indianapolis, Indiana

Height: 5′ 6"

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Blonde

Piercings: 4 (ears)

Tattoos: 1 – a rose on my ankle that I wish were something else

What’s your most attractive feature: My eyes, and my perfect, white teeth.

Pets:Dog Baxter, Cat Salem. Deceased pets: My Dog Spike, and Cats Lucy, Drusilla, Huckleberry, Annabelle, Idgie, and Grendel the Betta Fish.

What are the perks of your job: Good pay, casual dress, cheap sodas

How much do you love your job: A LOT.

Are you an inside or outdoors person? Outdoors, now that I have a lawn.

Do you have children? No. I’d like one. Don’t care what kind.

What Laundry detergent do you use? Whatever’s cheapest.

What color is your underwear: Blue

Color of socks: white

What color is your bedroom’s carpet: no carpet

What color is your bedroom: Dark Gray. Soon to be pink.

What color is your bathroom: White. I have plans to change that, but haven’t gotten to it.

What did you want to be when you were little?Originally, a knight in shining armor, until I learned that wasn’t still a viable profession. Then a magazine writer.

Favorite childhood memory: Playing on the rocket slide at Grandma M’s, listening to my Grandpa G. talk about flowers in his garden, my dad carrying me on his shoulders, watching musicals with mom.

When Was The Last Time You:

Took a shower: This morning

Danced: This weekend

Received flowers and from whom: a few months ago, from Stephanie

Watched Bambi: Years ago.

Cried: some time last month.

Got a real letter: Major holidays from my grandmother.

Gave to charity: Goodwill, recently

What did you have for breakfast? cold pizza

What was the last book you read: Books I’ve Read

What was the last CD you bought: The Black Parade, My Chemical Romance

What was the last movie you saw: Stranger Than Fiction

What will be the next CD you buy: I don’t know.

Do you play the lottery: Once in a while when I want to fantasize about having a lot of money.

Ever win? I never expect to win.

From whom did you get your last e-mail? A spam site.

Last person you went to dinner with? Jen, Mike

What are you listening to right now? The water bubbling in the aquarium

Best thing that happened to you today: Free Chinese food at work.

Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with everyone? Stephanie’s dad won a trip to Europe for us!

What is Your Favorite:

Flavor: almond, vanilla

Breakfast cereal: Kellogg’s Smart Start or Almond Nut Clusters

Candy: Reeses cups, whoppers

Salad Dressing: Caesar

Food: Chicken prepared almost any way, pizza.

Cuisine: Italian.

Breakfast Food: Sausage and Egg Casserole

Pie: Pumpkin.

Lunch: Quarter pounders with cheese. But I try not to do that much.

Alcoholic beverage: Sour Ales (beer), Dirty Vodka Martinis, Amaretto Sours

Type of Ice: Um, frozen? Oh. Crushed.

Your favorite potato chip? Lime Tostitos

Favorite sandwich? Roast Chicken from Subway

Ice cream: Chocolate Chip cookie dough

Sobe flavor: Dunno.

Soda: unsweetened ice tea, Diet Dr. Pepper

Restaurant: Mandarin Inn, Colorado Steakhouse, Oceanaire

Fast Food Restaurant: Taco Bell, Arby’s

Toothpaste: Crest

Deodorant: Gillette

Shampoo or conditioner: Aveda Rosemary Mint.

Perfume/cologne: Annabel Lee from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab.

Type of Underwear: Honestly, I wear boxers.

Shoes: Flame shoes, Fluevogs, my super hero boots, brown boots, old skool vans.

Accessory: Hanuman necklace, empire state building ring.

Possession: My iPod. I have a pallid bust of Pallas above my chamber door. Also a very rare old book, Curious Myths of the Middle Ages, and this really cool optical sign I bought at a junk shop.

Clothes: I have a shirt with a Devil on the front and flames down the sleeves. I also have a tiger-striped velour shirt. Old Navy Ringer Tees, Gap Blue Jeans, Old Navy Black Hoodie, Quidditch Baseball cap.

Favorite brand of clothing? GAP

Color: Blue, black

Number: 7

Stone: Moonstone, pearl, onyx, amber

Holiday: Hands down, it’s Christmas

Day of the week: Saturday

Favorite time of day? Sunrise

Flower: Daisies, Gladiolas, Tulips

Smell: Chocolate chip cookies baking.

Grade: Sophomore year of High School – moved to Noblesville – yeah!

Subject in school: Philosophy. Like it so much I majored it it.

Teacher: Dr. Susan Lawrence from Ball State Univ. Western Civ. class.

Birthday Present Ever: Very cool Pilsner glass from Pinkus Mueller brewery from Cate.

Fairy tale: Arabian Nights

Poem(s): Favorite Poems

Type of music: rock, alternative, punk, oh, anything really.

Song(s): Favorite Song Lyrics

Song you love but are embarrassed to admit to: Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

Christmas Carol: We Three Kings of Orient Are, Il Est Ne Le Divine Enfant, I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm

Movie: Favorite Movie List

TV show: Heroes, Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy, Veronica Mars, Lost, Battlestar Galactica, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

TV star: Alexis Bledel, Amy Acker, Julia Sawalha, Jennifer Garner, Ellen Degeneres

Magazine: Entertainment Weekly, Utne Reader

Celebrity: Renee Zellwenger, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Garner

Super Hero: Peter Petrelli, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Wonder Woman, ElectraSteph

Fraggle: Gobo

Sesame Street Character: Grover

Zoo Exhibit: Monkey Island!! Monkey Island!! Monkey Island!!

Favorite sport to watch on TV: Ugh. I hate watching sports on TV.

Sport to Watch at the game: Quidditch

Sports team: Gryffindor House Team

Car: Red Ford Truck. But I like station wagons, mini coopers and VW beetles. My dream car is a VW Microbus.

Web Site: My own – of course. But if I have to pick others, here’s a list: Funny Web Sites

Amusement Park Ride: The Beast – King’s Island

What do you want for Christmas: DVDs and Books. Amazon Wish List

If you were stranded on a desert island what book, album, and video would you want with you: Complete Shakespeare, One of my compilation CDs, Shakespeare in Love.

Which store would you choose to max your credit card: Barnes & Noble, Fluevog, Pottery Barn, GAP

If you could be any age, past, present, or future, what would it be: 25

If you could live in any decade in history, what would it be: The 1810s England – The Regency

What childhood toy do you wish you still had: My Barbie clothes

What movie makes you cry: A River Runs Through It, Fahrenheit 9/11, An Inconvenient Truth

What appliance could you not live without: iPod.

Your lucky charm: A tiki charm that hangs from my car mirror.

The person you worship the most: William Shakespeare, Jane Austen

Your bedroom is like: A cool hangout with a loft space.

Favorite Places

Place to live: My house.

Town to chill in/ Vacation spot: Tucson, Münster, Amsterdam, Chicago

Place to retire: Our paid-off house.

Places you want to see but haven’t: I want to take a big USA road trip, and see the southwest, especially California. And I want a more diverse European vacation, especially France and London.

What is Your Least Favorite:

Food: green peppers

Cuisine: Mexican, although that’s only because there’s a salsa that I’m allergic to and I don’t like green peppers.

School Subject: Math, although I was good at it.

The worst song you ever heard: Whatever song that was that Tammy Faye sang.

Most embarrassing CD in your collection: A CD of goofy songs like “the Streak” and “the Witchdoctor.”

Characteristic: Deviousness, trickery, dishonesty for the sake of dishonesty.

Which Is Better:

Hot tubs or pools: Pools.

Diamonds or pearls? Pearls — my birthstone, and not cold and icy like diamonds.

TV or radio: Computers, with the TV on across the room.

Short or tall: Hmmm. Undecided.

Toilet paper over or underhand: Under (My grandpa said just be thankful you have TP.) For a great deal more on this subject, visit The Great Toilet Paper Debate at my brother’s website.

Coke or Pepsi: unsweetened iced tea

Sprite or 7 Up: Diet 7 Up

Coffee or Coffee Ice Cream: Coffee ice cream

Creamy or crunchy peanut butter: Crunchy.

Croutons or Bacon Bits: both

What’s the right way to eat a Reese’s: Bite into it.

Does cheese go on the bumpy or flat side of the Ritz: Bumpy

White or brown bread: Brown

Beavers or ducks? Aflac, aflac, AFLAC!!!!

Beatles or Elvis: Beatles

Who are the most attractive male and female celebrities: Nathan Fillion, Kate Winslet

Are you a morning person or a night owl? Early Bird

Disney or Warner Brothers: Disney

Pedicure or manicure? Pedi.

What first catches your eye in the opposite (or same) sex (ie, legs, boobs, etc): a Beautiful Face

What do you look for in a person: Intelligence, a strong sense of humor, a passion about something artistic, and loyalty. (I’m using my friend Jason’s answer on this because it’s perfect.)

If you could be any place right now, where would you choose: In bed with a stack of books, lots of chocolate and my girlfriend.

Are you a dog or a cat person: Cat & Dog.

Razor, cream, or wax: Razor

Plane, train, or automobile: Train

Car or SUV: Truck, Microbus

Lake, Ocean or River: River

2 doors or 4 (on a car): 2: I have a truck.

Childhood Blanket or Stuffed Animal: Teddy Bear, Bud the bear

One pillow or two: Four.

Which came first; the chicken or the egg? Creationists would say the chicken came first, invented by God. Scientists would say the egg came first, from an ancestor of the chicken that mutated. So I believe the egg came first, of course. Freaking loony creationists.

Do You Believe In…

Horoscopes: Only the ones from Real Astrology ’cause they’re funny.

Past lives: yes. no. yes.

Ouija boards: fun, but only a toy

Love at first sight: Hmmm. No. I believe in intense fascination at first sight which can turn into love. Or it can go famously, hideously wrong.

God: Um, get back to me on this one. Lately I’ve been praying Hanuman, the monkey god.

Religion: Taoism. Although Hinduism is interesting.

Aliens: Yes. But I don’t think they’ve been here.

Ghosts: Nope.

Evil: Yep. I can point it out, too.

Abortion: Most women who have abortions do it because they don’t have health insurance or child care, and they don’t want to have to go on government assistance to care for the baby. Giving women a living wage and health care coverage would drastically reduce the number of women who have abortions.

Alternative music: Like it.

Do you love yourself: Yep. Although I like to nag myself to lose weight, and get my life more organized, much as if I were married to myself.

Does life have a meaning: yes.

Do you know what it is: not yet.

Is honesty the best policy: Ideally yes. Realistically, no. Sometimes you have to tell people their haircut is wonderful.

Are you the jealous type: Nope.

What’s your pet peeve: People having the nerve to drive in front of me. People should just stay behind me.

What are you afraid of: Death.

Forgive and forget or hold a grudge: Depends on whether I won or not. But I will win eventually, and after you’re humiliated, I’ll forgive and forget.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years: successful novelist, celebrated web designer.

Most annoying thing is: George Bush.

What is your motto: Funny Quotes

Who do you look up to: https://commonplacebook.com/journal/inspiration/

Life Statement: Inspirational Quotes

What Stuff Do You Do?

What kind of work do you do: Web design/development

Do you cleanse your chakras: No. Hell, I don’t clean the house.

What are you listening to right now: Co-workers playing Unreal Tournament over the LAN.

What is your favorite solitary activity: Reading, writing, mowing the lawn

What do you do most often when you are bored: I don’t have time to get bored.

Word or phrases you overuse: "Cool."   "I told you so."

Hobbies: Reading, writing, working on my web page, reading, buying books, reading…. mowing the lawn

Bedtime: 11 p.m. I’d like to to be 10 p.m., but there’s too much reading to do.

Have You Ever…

What was the name of your first best friend: Sheri Castle, Kay Kaufmann.

What was the name of your summer camp: Potowatomee ?, I believe.

Do you remember the camp song: No.

Been toilet-papering: yes

Been Ding-dong-ditching: yes

Been toilet-papered: yes

What was your first job: Page at the Noblesville Public Library

How many times did you fail your permit or driver’s test: None

How old were you when you had your first kiss: 13

Most romantic thing that ever happened to you: A girl I had a huge crush on in high school kissed me in the bathroom during drama club rehearsals.

How many people have you kissed romantically: 28, until the time when I was in a contest to kiss a girl from every state. I did not win, but I lost track of the number.

Can you remember all of their names: I used to have them written down, but I lost the list.

Been in love before: Omigod yes.

How many times: twice. Three times.

Dumper or Dumpee: dumpee

Loved somebody so much it made you cry: yes

Ever fell in love at first sight: Nope.

Ever been on a blind date: yes.

Ever been cheated on: Yep, practically every time.

Ever cheated: No.

Ever had sex in a public place: Please keep in mind, this was back in college, where I didn’t have a place to bring girlfriends. Now I have a house and a bed, thank you very much. In the parking lot at the bar (see above), in the car in Sahm’s park, in a car in the next housing development over from my Mom’s house (where we got caught by the Police), On the Fort Benjamin Harrison artillery range when it was still a Fort.

Most humiliating moment: Throwing up on the airplane on the way home from a trip to Arizona. Here’s a tip: don’t fly while hung over.

Have you ever gone skinny dipping: Yes

Played strip poker: Yep.

Lied: Yep.

Paid for it: Oh yes. Every evil thing you do comes back to haunt you, multiplied by 2. Besides that, it’s impossible to remember the stupid things you said. It’s just easier to tell the truth.

Cheated on a test: Only by helping other people.

Run away from home: No, but I’m doing that tomorrow.

Broken the law: Yes.

Ever ridden in a police car: Ahem.

been arrested: Ahem.

been convicted of a crime: Nope.

Ever ridden in an ambulance: Nope.

Have you ever been in a car crash: three times; once with Dan, once when I was rear-ended, once when I backed up into someone.

When was your last hospital visit: April 2005, when I had open-heart surgery to repair my Mitral Valve.

Ever broken a bone: Yup.

Ever been in a fistfight: Yep.

Had a medical emergency: My appendix exploded on July 5, 2003.

Gotten beaten up: Technically, yes; I was raped in college.

Ever seen a dead body: Nope. My sister has, though. She found her neighbor dead on the doorstep. It was natural causes, but still….

Ever seen a ghost: Yeah, sure. 🙂

Been to Africa: no

Have you ever seen a black swan: Nope. Can’t say I’ve been looking for one.

What was your most embarrassing hair incident: Oh, all of them until recently.

What was the best costume you ever wore: King Kong suit for a theme party.

Which of your accomplishments in the last year are you most proud of: Not dying of exploded appendix, Not dying of congestive heart failure.

What do you hope to have accomplished in the next year: CSS redesign.

What Would You Name Your…

Future home: Courtyard of Perpetual Motion.

Kids: Pesto, Cilantro, and little Gorgonzola.

Future Pets: Jonquil. Europa. Anaximander. Sterling. Pavlov. Schrodinger.

Car: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Self: Anne Belmont

People In My Life

Who are your best friends: My girlfriend Stephanie, Dan and Doug, Cate

Who you chat with most: Dan and Doug, Kathy, Stephanie

Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away: Cate Ryan

Say a nice thing about the person you miss the most: My sister has a tremendous sense of humor and is hands-down the most intelligent person I know. My grandpa had the most awesome gardening skills. Also, Cate is creative and intelligent and always shows me a point of view I never notice before.

Craziest/silliest person you know: Dan, when he’s in one of those moods.

Do you get along with your parents: I try not to, but I do in spite of myself.

What color is the underwear of the person next to you: There’s someone sitting next to me?

Who did you last tell you loved them: My wife Stephanie.

Last person you went to dinner with? Probably my lovely wife, Stephanie

What food does your mom cook better than anyone else: Almost any dessert, Thanksgiving dinner especially pumpkin pie, pizza, lasagna. Breakfasts.

Who has been your friend the longest: My sister Stacy, Cate Ryan

Does it feel nice that someone told you all this stuff about themselves: Pretty cool.

Does it feel nice that someone wants to know so much about you: They must be very bored. 🙂

Continue ReadingThe Ultimate Survey

Darwin Awards 2000

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Sighting #1 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

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Silly State Laws

NOTE: I’m not sure how many of these are actually true – this came to me in an email forward in 2000 and I posted it here.

Arkansas:
–A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.

California:
–In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
–It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

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The Raft

And you thought this only happened in the movies. Jerry swears this story about a rubber boat really happened to him…

OK. Here goes. I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Don’t ask, I never did).

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A Heartwarming Story

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

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Customer "Support" At A Phone Company

From: Jay Sekora

I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty. Towards the end of his very long and unproductive call he was starting to get exasperated, and the following (paraphrased) exchange ensued.

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