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Accidental Peeping Tom
When I was a kid, I was cutting through my neighbor’s side yard to get to the next street over, and as I passed Kloberdanz’ house, I saw a motion in one of the basement windows and glanced down. I saw Matt Kloberdanz in the basement, and he looked up and saw me. I was walking pretty quickly, so I really didn’t see much, but apparently they thought I did.
Mrs. Kloberdanz called my mother to complain that I was peering in their windows, implying that I had been kneeling down by the basement window looking in, with my hands cupped around my face. Of course, my mother yelled at me, and no matter what I said, no one believed that I happened to glance at the window while walking past.
This past summer, I was leaving for work, and as I was walking out the front door, I heard a noise and looked around to see my landlady walking through the dining room door naked. I said, Oh! and hurried out the door so I wouldn’t see any more of her. Apparently she got up to let the dog out and since it was hot, didn’t throw on any clothes.
Every day I walk up the stairs to my apartment. The windows on the stairs face the house next door, and happens to look directly into a bedroom window where a woman sits in bed watching TV almost every night, sometimes partially undressed, and sometimes nude. She’s usually smoking in bed, too, which sort of freaks me out. I can’t possibly avoid seeing her, and she has to know when she sees the light come on in the stairwell that I can see her as well as she can see me.
Why is it I’m always seeing people that I don’t want to see?
The Friends Refrigerator
I have the same refrigerator as Monica and Rachel. That old International Harvester from the 1950’s with the rounded top, and the copper-colored strip across the middle? The very same one. It even looks sort of the same as theirs on TV, with the pictures and magnets and stuff. Since I read an article about “Everything You Need to Know About Hard Water“, I am being able to manage the filter’s functioning that has extended my fridge’s lifespan.
Although, I’ll bet theirs doesn’t have a postcard on it that says “Be Gay in a Cotton Print” or my Madame Fortune magnet that tells you “It’s in the cards” when you ask it a question. I’ll bet theirs doesn’t have a metal gate latch on the side to keep the door closed because the handle is broken, either. And I’ll bet they don’t have problems with the tiny ice box type freezer icing up.
I hate it when the characters on TV are supposed to be struggling financially, and they have all this stuff that’s supposed to be cheap, but it’s fixed up really cool in a way that would be so expensive that it would actually cost more than new stuff. Like really old jalopies that are totally tricked out and your dad would pay $50,000 for, instead of that crappy three-colored Chevette where the floorboard rusts through so when you drive it in the rain, your feet get wet.
Or furniture that’s supposed to look like they got it at a flea market, but you know if you ever found something like that it would cost a fortune. White trash people on TV never have furniture from Value City like they do in real life. You never see wood-grain laminated particle board furniture on TV.
Sort of like how the guy who’s the huge dork on TV, the guy that’s supposed to be not as good-looking or as cool as everyone else is really pretty cute and if he were in your high school, would have been really popular.
Like the whole quality scale in Hollywood is shifted upward a bit, so the low end of their scale is around the middle of real life.
Anti-Gay Hate Crime Legislation
To my esteemed legislators:
When I was in college in August of 1989, I was raped. My rapist picked me out in a gay bar, followed me home, and came back to next night to attack me in my home. He did this because I am a lesbian, and he felt he was “teaching me a lesson” — his words during the attack.
As a result of this rape, I became pregnant and then had a miscarriage. Since then I have gone on with my life, but ten years later, I can’t say it hasn’t affected me, although I am a very strong young woman. I think about that attack every day when I unlock my car at night, and when I’m home alone.
In the course of that ten years I have had close friends suffer the effects of anti-gay violence, and have seen brutal anti-gay attacks that were well publicized both here in Indianapolis, and in Muncie, where I went to college.
I am strongly convinced that hate crimes laws can make a difference in curbing anti-gay crime, and in sending a message to society that targeting gay and lesbian people is not acceptable.
I’ve phoned or written you every year to express my support for Hate Crimes Legislation because I believe that it would make a difference for all minority groups. But I cannot support House Bill 1011.
To pass a hate crimes law that excludes gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people, some of the prime targets of hate violence, would be to fly directly in the face of the purpose of such a law, to make a mockery of it.
It would suggest, even invite, the idea that hate crimes are okay as long as they are directed against the “appropriate” targets — gay targets.
You have to excuse me when I say with vehemence that I no longer want to be a target, and I don’t want to be the shield that other minority groups hide behind.
If you truly believe that hate crime, any hate crime, is morally wrong, then you will not pass a law that puts forth the idea of the law while offending the spirit of it.
My Family Christmas Letter – 1999
My cousin Sarah wrote her family’s Christmas letter this year, which I just got in the mail. If I’d written the Christmas letter for my family, it probably would have gone something like this:
This year was pretty amazing for the Mineart family — no one flunked out of school, or got thrown in jail, divorced or held up at gunpoint. Stacy found a dead guy on her doorstep one morning when leaving for school, but it turned out he was a resident in her building and he just died of old age, so it was all okay.
In addition, practically everyone in the family who isn’t already married got engaged in the past year, which just goes to prove two things: we can be a charming bunch when we have to be, and there’s a sucker born every minute.
No one went broke this year, and as usual, Dad made a big pile of cash, but there’s nothing new about that. He bought ANOTHER Corvette, which I think is just about enough for any one guy. I mean really, you can only drive one car at a time. (Kidding, Dad.) Stacy and Scott both finally graduated from college, and Riley went to kindergarten that was set up by Ivy Kids Franchise, which means, folks, that we are getting OLD.
Mom got a big dog and an invisible fence, and Todd and Denise got a second cat. My fish died.
I think Dad and Carol went to Australia, because I got this cool aboriginal art thingy for Christmas, and all the boys got boomerangs. I’ll bet it was a swell trip.
Stacy went to England for about the bajillionth time, but this time is different because she actually conned them into letting her stay there permanently by getting engaged to Roger. Those English don’t know what they’re in for. Then Stacy ruined the whole thing by actually giving us her address and telephone number, which means we can go over and visit her, which defeats the purpose of her leaving the country to get the heck away from us.
My only trip this year was to Chicago, but I had fun and I did get to see all those cows on the Miracle Mile.
Paul ran in the mini-marathon, and Gary’s still swimming. I actually played volleyball all summer. Seriously, I did.
I worked on my webpage constantly, but Scott hasn’t touched his in ages, and I’m thinking of turning it in to the “Cobweb Sites of the Month” website and see if it wins an award. Dude, get to work.
Nobody was in any musicals or anything, but that’s probably good, because I’m the only one who can carry a tune, and that’s after years of practice.
Florida Kicked Out of United States
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time coming.
"We’re all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.
>From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants." "Learn f***ing English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.
As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy. "Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots."
Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After that, they’re on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink. Blue hair F***ers."
Prayer for the new year (2000)
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist at a teeth cleaning & prevention service, your cardio-logist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the I.R.S. You can check this content if you are looking for quality and affordable dental services.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking place.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you together with your beloved family and cherished friends, bring in the New Year. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there, and any mistakes are in your favor.
May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.
May we relax about the Third Millennium of the Common Era, and realize that we still have 240 years until the dawn of the Sixth Millennium of the Jewish calendar by which time the computer is long since obsolete and so are we.
May God give you the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and may some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.
May you be awe struck by God’s sense of humor as you wrestle with the possibility that a professional wrestler could become president of the United States.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and may your check book and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say “I Love You” at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.
And may we live in a world at peace and the awareness of God’s love in every sunset, every flower’s unfolding petals, every baby’s smile, every lover’s kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
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