Yearly Archives: 1998

You Pay For Quality

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  • Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she’s a prostitute."

"I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can’t believe it!"

George said, "Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

Continue ReadingYou Pay For Quality

Down South Valentine

author unknown

Kudzu is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You’re as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we’re in a croud.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
I’m plumb outta wits.

And speakin’ of wits,
You’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me
Back in ’74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And stick ’em in the can.

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft’ tread.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old
Like a ’67 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That’s impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it’s a new trollin’ motor.

Continue ReadingDown South Valentine

Clone of My Own (Song Parody)

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  • Post category:JokesPoems

The first verse and chorus are by science fiction writer Randall Garrett. The other verses are by Isaac Asimov.

This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range.

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y-chromosome changed to X
And when it is grown
Then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.

(Chorus)
Clone, clone of my own,
With your Y-Chromosome changed to X
And when I’m alone
With my own little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.

Oh, give me a clone
In my sorrowful moan
A clone that is wholly my own.
And if she’s an X
Of the feminine sex
Oh, what fun we will have when we’re prone.

My heart’s not of stone,
As I’ve frequently shown
When alone with my own little X
And after we’ve dined
I am sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.

Why should such sex vex
Or disturb or perplex
Or induce a disparaging tone.
After all, don’t you see
Since we’re both of us me
When we’re having sex, I’m alone.

And after I’m done
She will still have her fun
For I’ll clone myself twice ere I die.
And this time without fail,
They’ll be both of them male
And they’ll ravage her by and by.

Continue ReadingClone of My Own (Song Parody)

How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Headquarters Was In Alabama

Author Unknown

Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"

Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle.

Occasionally you’d bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".

Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.

Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".

Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.

PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".

Microsoft’s programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".

Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.

Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

"Well, the first thing you know ole Bill’s a billionaire…"

Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates — 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.

"Where’s Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where’s Elvis?".

Continue ReadingHow Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Headquarters Was In Alabama

Top Fifteen Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult

Author Unknown

15. Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.

14. Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott’s… Stoli, Mott’s…

13. He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.

12. Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.

11. Suddenly your travel agency’s site is featuring interplanetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.

10. His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."

9. Your website’s "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.

8. Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club’s "Site of the Day."

7. She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.

6. Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.

5. Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.

4. Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.

3. Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.

2. He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult…

1. Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe… Hey, wait a minute! That’s Bill Gates!!

Continue ReadingTop Fifteen Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult

Three Engineers In A Car

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  • Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and maybe it’ll work!?"

Continue ReadingThree Engineers In A Car

Total Eclipse of Communication

author unknown

From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

"Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen."

From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

"By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’ clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday."

From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

"By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o’clock tomorrow morning. The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see happen everyday."

From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

"If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o’ clock."

From : Foreman
To : All Operators

"Tomorrow morning at nine o’ clock, the Managing Director will disappear. It’s a pity that we can’t see this happen everyday."

Continue ReadingTotal Eclipse of Communication

Great Business Mergers

Author Unknown

If only these companies would merge…

Xerox and Wurlitzer:
They’re going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems:
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & goodyear:
mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Honey, I’m Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Poupon Pants

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da

The most obvious candidates for a merger: Netscape and Yahoo.
The resulting company will be called: "Net ‘n’ Yahoo."

Continue ReadingGreat Business Mergers

12 Signs You’re Suffering From Work Burnout

Author Unknown

  1. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
  2. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
  3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
  4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
  5. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.
  6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
  7. You sleep more at work than at home.
  8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
  9. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
  10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
  11. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
  12. You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know your cellphone will go off before your alarm does.
Continue Reading12 Signs You’re Suffering From Work Burnout

Can’t Fly if You’re Gay

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  • Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendent said, "I’m sorry, but you’ll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you’ve made a mistake – I’m Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I’m gay too! They can’t throw us all off!"

Continue ReadingCan’t Fly if You’re Gay