Archives: 1998

Random House Modern Library Readers’ 100 Best Novels

In response to their list of 100 best novels, the Modern library let the readers respond with their favorite books. This list was derived from an online user poll conducted on the Modern Library web site from July 20 to October 20, 1998, during which 217,520 votes were cast. **Note from Steph: Consider the first

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Random House Modern Library’s 100 Best Novels

In 1998 the Modern Library, a division of Random House, New York, released this list of ‘the 100 best novels written in the English language and published since 1900.’ The jurors were Daniel J. Boorstin, A.S. Byatt, Christopher Cerf, Shelby Foote, Vartan Gregorian, Edmund Morris, John Richardson, Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., William Styron, and Gore Vidal.

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Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like

author unknown 10. Hey! There’s a gift. 9. Well, well, well… 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit. 7. Perfect for wearing in the basement. 6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! 5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious! 4. I Love it, but I

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The Good Me

01 – Thank U – Alanis Morrisette – Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie 02 – Ray of Light – Madonna – Ray of Light 03 – Luminous Times – U2 – Best of 1980-1990 04 – Happy Heart – Petula Clark – The Greatest Hits of Petula Clark 05 – Does She Walk on Water –

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The Bad Me

01 Ring of Fire – Johnny Cash – The Man In Black: His Greatest Hits 02 Like a Friend – Pulp – This is Hardcore 03 Let’s Kill Saturday Night – Robbie Fulks – Let’s Kill Saturday Night 04 La Di Da – The Murmurs – Blender 05 Amnesia – Chumbawamba – Tubthumper 06 Inside

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Inspirational Quotes

g’nothi s’auton – Know thy self — inscription on the wall of the temple at Delphi You don’t drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there. — Robert Allen If at first you don’t succeed, you are running about average. — M. H. Anderson Live, live, live! Life is a banquet, and most

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The Snake Dream

My brother Todd handed me a pure white snake, assuring me it wasn’t poisonous. I held onto it for quite some time, and it bit me several times. When I gave it back to him, I asked him whether I was okay, and he wouldn’t answer, So I called poison control, who told me to

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Untitled

A short piece of prose I wrote, that I will freely admit is somewhat melodramatic, but I like it anyway.

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What is Wrong with Being Single?

I’m twenty-nine years old, and I’ve been single for three years. And the truth is that I’m happy about that. I just came to that epiphany today while I was doing my dishes, alone in my apartment with the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack playing on my stereo in the background. I don’t want to be

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The Gambling Dream

They were opening a brand new gambling hall in our neighborhood. Actually, the hall wasn’t new, it was old, like a converted community center or something. For the grand opening, the band was playing, and I was in the band – I played a trombone. We sat along the sides of the entrance hall. I

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Civil War Dream

I was dressed in a civil war costume. It was blue, so I must have been in the Union Army. I had a mustache. (Don’t even laugh.) I and another dude in uniform were strolling through a market place. We strolled past a very beautiful women at a booth who was selling wool. I stopped

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On the Subject of “Outing”

The phrases “in the closet,” “coming out” and “outing” are euphemisms for lying about your sexual orientation, or telling the truth about it. They’re phrases I dislike, because they allow people to rationalize away the fact that “staying in the closet” is a fundamental dishonesty. It’s much easier to say, “I’m not out yet at

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On the Subject of Love

There is a Law that man should love his neighbor as himself. In a few years it should be as natural to mankind as breathing or the upright gait; but if he does not learn it he must perish.
— Alfred Adler

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The Circus Dream

I was traveling with a circus, down a winding dirt road. It was a bright sunny day, and the grass was green. I was traveling in the cart with the puzzle girl, who twisted herself into a pretzel and got inside an ornate wooden puzzle box, which was carved on the sides and top in

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Presidential Comparisons

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed The President’s biggest fear… Nixon: The Cold War Clinton: The Cold Sore Complaints toward the President… Nixon: Carpet-Bombing Clinton: Carpet-Burns Their Vice-Presidents… Nixon: His was Greek Clinton: His is a Geek Presidential qualities… Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her Things the President couldn’t explain… Nixon: The missing 18-minutes

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Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this. I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date

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Clinton Family Tree

Author Unknown One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have

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Scandal in Heaven!

Author Unknown Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to

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Darwin Awards 1998

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

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Obituary: The Energizer Bunny

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

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The Buffalo Theory of Drinking

In one episode of “Cheers”, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection

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So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question… I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. It gives my mother something to live for. It didn’t seem worth a blood test. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And

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You Pay For Quality

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

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Down South Valentine

author unknown Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I

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Clone of My Own (Song Parody)

The first verse and chorus are by science fiction writer Randall Garrett. The other verses are by Isaac Asimov. This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range. Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With its Y-chromosome changed to X And when it is grown

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How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Headquarters Was In Alabama

Author Unknown Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders" Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle. Occasionally you’d bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel". Instead

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Three Engineers In A Car

Author Unknown There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and

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Can’t Fly if You’re Gay

Author Unknown An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up.

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Schoolboys on the Bus

In this dream, I was traveling on a Greyhound-like passenger bus, and I was sitting in the very back. In the front of the bus there was a whole group of private school boys with scrubbed, cherubic faces and neat short haircuts. They were dressed in identical uniforms; black pants and pure white shirts and

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Adventures in a Chevy Chevette 2

I picked up my car this afternoon. It’s a 1987 Chevy Chevette, dark blue, and it’s falling apart. I had to have the alternator replaced, $141.69. This is the second time it’s been in the shop recently; two weeks ago, I just got it back after having the starter and flywheel (what the hell’s that?)

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Adventures in a Chevy Chevette

I got stuck in my car. It’s a 1987 Chevy Chevette, dark blue, and it’s falling apart. It was freezing cold this Indiana morning, and there was a thick layer of ice over everything. I made the mistake of not looking outside at this inclement weather before I got dressed for work, so I was

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The Angel of Death Dream

A dream I had where I was so scared that I was afraid to get out of bed to go to go to the bathroom, at 29 years old. It started at an archeological dig, where we uncovered a huge skeleton of bird/reptile-like creature, about twice as large as a human. It looked like a

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