It’s a Small World

This written piece isn’t quite accurate: see more about real statistics on Snopes.com.

If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, there would be:

  • 57 Asians
  • 21 Europeans
  • 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
  • 8 Africans
  • 52 would be female
  • 48 would be male
  • 70 would be non-white
  • 30 would be white
  • 70 would be non-Christian
  • 30 would be Christian
  • 89 would be heterosexual
  • 11 would be homosexual
  • 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world’s wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
  • 80 would live in substandard housing
  • 70 would be unable to read
  • 50 would suffer from malnutrition
  • 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
  • 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
  • 1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

Continue ReadingIt’s a Small World

The Tree

Tree

Author Unknown

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. Oh, that’s my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick ’em up, there ain’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

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The Wise Woman’s Stone

Mandala

Author Unknown

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food.

The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.

The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I’ve been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.

Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

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Phenomenal Woman

In the poem below, on the line after “the stride of my steps” there should not be any asterisks. But for some reason my content management system blows up whenever I try to take them out.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a model’s fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I’m telling lies.
I say
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
t*h*e*c*u*r*l*o*f*m*y*l*i*p*s
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It’s in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.

Continue ReadingPhenomenal Woman

Humorous American Signs

On an Electrician’s truck – "Let us remove your shorts"

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop – "Best place in town to take a leak"

In a Non-smoking area – "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

On Maternity Room door – "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door – "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist’s Office – "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place."

On a Scientist’s door – "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist’s window – "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist’s window – "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher’s window – "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher’s window – "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot – "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence – "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership – "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop – "No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel – "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop – "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium – "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room – "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room – "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher’s door – "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company – "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop – "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck – "We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got."

On the door of a Computer Store – "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window – "Don’t stand there and be hungry – come in and get fed up!"

Inside a Bowling Alley: – "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria – "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library – "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home – "Drive carefully, we’ll wait."

In a Counselor’s office – "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

On a ski lift in Taos, NM – No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Official sign near door – Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby – Window frightened.

Guys – No shirt, No service. Girls – No shirt, No charge.

Road sign seen on Cyprus (translation of the Greek) – Caution: Road Slippery from Grape juice.

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race – Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in King’s Canyon in California – Slow Parking Ahead.

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but… A billboard seen next to the highway, traveling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads – Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago –
– – – – > Restrooms – – – – >
Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT – Bingo Friday night at 8:00 pm – Quickies Thursday at 7:30 pm.

Seen in a health food store – Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.

Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

A little hole in the wall restaurant – Women are not served here… You have to bring your own.

Sign in a Laundromat – Please remove all of your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign outside a secondhand shop – We exchange anything! Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain!

Sign outside a travel agency – Why Don’t You Just Go Away!

Sign in a London department store – Bargain Basement Upstairs

On same building (Morehead City N.C.) – Cox’s Family Restaurant – Pet store

On the marquis for the Crystal Coast Civic Center (Morehead City N.C.) – H.W. Brown Gun Show, Martin Luther King Festival

Road sign North of Saint Helena, CA – Blind Drive on Right.

Santa Fe gas station – We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

Baltimore estate – Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy

New Mexico dry cleaners – 38 years on the same spot.

Florida maternity ward – No children allowed.

Loan company office – Ask about our plans for owning your home.

New York convalescent home – For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

Shop in Maine – Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases – Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

Kentucky appliance store – Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

Funeral parlor – Ask about our layaway plan.

Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store – 15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!

Shopping mall marquee – Archery Tournament — Ears pierced.

Outside a country shop – We buy junk and sell antiques.

Maine restaurant – Open 7 days a week and weekends.

New England church – Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

Public school grounds – No trespassing without permission.

Tennessee highway – When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

New Hampshire car wash – If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.

On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van, Cincinnati area – A flush beats a full house!

On a sign at a little restaurant – Eat here or we’ll both starve

A urologist’s license plate – "NOPCME" (no p c me)

Ohio Road Sign – Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi

In a gas station several years ago: – Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite. If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.

Advertisement for a radiator repair shop – Best place in town to take a leak

In the key west internationl airport’s souvenier store – unattended children will be sold into slavery

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store – We aim to please, so, please, you aim too.

Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI – PUSH, if it doesn’t open, PULL, if it still doesn’t open, WE ARE CLOSED.

Continue ReadingHumorous American Signs

Obituary: The Energizer Bunny

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Author Unknown

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny’s batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming…

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The Buffalo Theory of Drinking

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In one episode of “Cheers”, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have.

Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

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So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

Quick Comebacks to that ever annoying Question…

I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

It gives my mother something to live for.

It didn’t seem worth a blood test.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

What? And spoil my great sex life?

Nobody would believe me in white.

Because I just love hearing this question.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Do you know how hard it is to get TWO tickets to Miss Saigon?

My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses. (A New York Special)

I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.

I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

Continue ReadingSo Why Aren’t You Married Yet?