The Office Personality Test

Author Unknown

Every office has an Office Spaz, an Office Psycho, an Office Lump, and an Office Martyr. Which one are you?

1. Your boss is giving a presentation to the 15 members of the Board of Trustees in 20 minutes. You notice a typo on page 5 of the 20-page document she will be handing out. You:

a. Call the boss’s AA and the intern who put the document together, scream at both of them for not catching the mistake, then make them reprint 15 copies of page 5, unbind all 15 copies and reinsert the new page 5 before the boss goes into the meeting.
b. Reprint page 5, unbind and reinsert the new page yourself, all the while telling everyone within earshot how you caught the AA’s mistake, and you are taking it on yourself to correct it.
c. Whiteout the error on page 5 and write in the correct word using a felt tip pen.
d. Ignore it because nobody is going to read a 20-page document anyway.

2. When the practical joker in the office strikes, you:

a. Get angry with him and tell him he obviously doesn’t have enough work to do.
b. Are working so hard you don’t even notice.
c. Laugh along with the rest of the staff at the practical joke he played on you.
d. Get inspired to plan a practical joke of your own.

3. The IT department is working on the network, which causes your computer to crash about every half-hour. You:

a. Call the Vice-President of Information Technology every time your computer goes down to complain because you don’t have time for this.
b. Tell all of your co-workers you are saving every 5 minutes to deal with this burden, and encourage them to do the same.
c. Run out of your office every time the network goes down, yelling "Is anyone else having computer problems?"
d. Stop working and make some personal phone calls.

4. The new summer intern is working on a document for you but his computer skills are limited. When you get the first draft of the document, it is a total mess. He didn’t even run Spell Check. You:

a. Throw the document at him and loudly tell him to learn how to set up a document, FAST.
b. Rework the document yourself.
c. Waste an entire day helping him set up the document, even if you have work waiting on your desk.
d. Are happy that your workload has dropped off since he arrived.

5. The CEO has asked you to work on a last minute project for him. It will require a lot of long days and weekend work. Your assistant has had a vacation scheduled for several months that now falls during the middle of the project. You:

a. Tell him to either cancel his plans or look for another job.
b. Tell you can handle the extra work for one week and he should just enjoy his vacation.
c. Frantically ask anyone on your team if they could play assistant for you during that week.
d. Plan to call in sick that week.

6. A staff meeting is held and you need to present some data, but you didn’t have time to thoroughly research your subject. One of your co-workers challenges you during the meeting on a point you made. You:

a. Begin attacking her credibility until she backs off.
b. Apologetically tell the staff you will double check your information and get back to them.
c. Agree with your co-worker.
d. Tell the staff you didn’t have time to do your research very thoroughly because of all the other things you were working on.

7. A co-worker has been out on maternity leave. When she brings the new baby in to meet the office staff, you:

a. Congratulate her quickly and get back to your work.
b. Fuss over the baby while telling her your baby horror stories, i.e., "My sisters baby was so big, he got stuck on her pubic bone on the way out."
c. Excitedly run through the office to tell everyone to "come see our new employee."
d. Stay with her and the baby until she leaves.

8. The co-worker who was out on maternity leave comes back to work. The staff decides to take her to lunch to celebrate her return. While at lunch, you:

a. Ate lunch at your desk to get work done.
b. Told her to call you if she needs ANYTHING.
c. Told her she should join the gym to get that baby weight off.
d. Had two beers.

9. A department director complains to your boss about something you did. Your boss calls you into her office to discuss the complaint. You:

a. Go back to your desk and enroll the complaining director in 15 different Internet porn email lists.
b. Apologize repeatedly to your boss and offer to contact the director to apologize.
c. Burst into hysterical tears.
d. Think about something else as your boss talks.

10. Every time you deal with the receptionist in the HR office, she treats you rudely and never answers your questions. You go to the HR office to get new forms and she tells you she doesn’t have the forms you need so you’ll have to come back next week. You:

a. Make a scene, tell her to get off her fat butt and run new copies of the form.
b. Thank her and tell her you’ll try to get back there next week if you can.
c. Tell her you can’t get back there next week because you’ll be busy and you need the forms now because the insurance company need the forms by Friday and if you don’t get the forms you will have all sorts of problems and…
d. Thank her for being so rude and walk out.

SCORING: Count the number of each letter you chose. If you chose one letter four times or more you may be one of these office types. Keep in mind that the more times you chose one letter, the more likely you are this type, i.e., 10 A’s means you are a total Psycho.

Four or more A’s: You are the Office Psycho. You work 16 hours a day, every day including weekends, in part because you work inefficiently and do not manage your time well. You expect your staff and co-workers to work the same way you do, including long days and weekends. You may be anal-retentive and/or obsessive/compulsive, which you call “detail-oriented.” You get angry easily and yell at everyone around you. You are probably a manager or director because your bosses appreciate your hard work. However, your co-workers probably hate you, and your staff would like to kill you. You have probably gone through several assistants throughout your career. Your behavior has most likely cost the company many good people who have left rather than continue working with you. Seek therapy! There is more to life than work.

Four or more B’s: You are the Office Martyr, the patron saint of the office. You take on more than your fair share of the work, and then let everyone know how long suffering you are. Your co-workers come to you when they need a favor and you always say yes, expecting them to return the favor, but they never do, because you never ask. When you get angry, you show it in a passive/aggressive manner, never directly. You may feel unappreciated and you probably are correct. You are probably frustrated because people expect so much more of you but it is you who allows people to take advantage of you. As long as you continue to play martyr nothing will ever change. Learn to say no and not feel guilty. Also, learn to talk yourself up.

Four or more C’s: You are the Office Spaz: When practical jokes are played in the office, you are usually the butt of those jokes. You have a tendency to say the first thing that comes out of your mouth without thinking of the repercussions. You are probably an emotional person, and you react to every situation with open emotions. Your co-workers probably think you are weird, and may even think of you as incompetent no matter how good you are at your job. How your co-workers view you can be important, especially if your company does peer reviews. Think more about your actions before you do or say something. And remember, the office is a political environment. Always put yourself in the best possible light.

Four or more D’s: You are the Office Lump: When there is nothing to do, you are the first one to do it. You don’t take the job very seriously, and as a result, your work is often late, sloppy, and full of mistakes. You fill a chair and that is about it. For you, it is just a job. You probably don’t make an effort to interact much with your co-workers because you don’t really care to know those people. Your coworkers resent your laziness and complain to the boss often. You should always have a quick job lined up, because chances are that you will eventually be fired.

Fairly even mix of all letters: You are the average office worker. Everyone has psycho days, spaz days, lump days and martyr days. Just be aware of yourself, and always be willing to apologize to co-workers after you’ve had a bad day.

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Job Position Ad for SoulWaste

Author Unknown

Join the dynamic team here at SoulWaste. We want people who believe in the hi-tech religion and who are willing to work 60 hour weeks under florescent lights in grey buildings with windows that don’t open. After all, the earth will stop rotating on its axis if our product doesn’t get out the door before the competition.

You must be a mindless zealot who’s idea of a good time is playing MacIntosh computer games on nights and weekends and who’s conversations with other people sound like a Wang commercial. You must believe in the Yuppie vision of the world as shown in Wang, H-P, and AT&T commercials where people are shown thinking about their job while swimming or walking their dog and where everybody is inadequate if they haven’t purchased the latest wiz-bang box or felt anxious guilt if their office system isn’t networked to everything more hi-tech than a Smith-Corona typewriter.

Yes, we don’t just want your hours at SoulWaste — we want your soul!!


1. Must be willing to sacrifice any semblance of real life for carrots held at the end of sticks i.e. BIG BUCKS.

2. Must have huge repertoire of computer buzzwords in vocabulary.

3. Must feel the same degree of mania as company management when products are late getting out the door.

4. Must have no social life — ’cause we’re gonna fatigue you so much you ain’t gonna have one anyway.

5. Oh, yeah, must know the C programming language.

Direct inquiries to this dynamic and growing conspiracy, I mean, er, company to:
Simon LeGree
SoulWaste Corporation
Telephone: 1-800-FAUSTUS

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How Shit Happens

Author Unknown

In the beginning, there was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance.

The employees told their supervisors: "It’s a crock of shit and it stinks!"

The supervisors then told the department heads: "It’s a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor."

The department heads then told the managers: "It’s a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."

The managers then told the director: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."

The director then told the VP: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

The VP told the Executive-VP: "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

The Executive-VP told the President: "It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."

And the President reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."

And the plan became policy.

And this is how shit happens.

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Thoughts From The Workplace…

Author Unknown

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


Succeed in spite of management.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

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Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

author unknown

11. No one ever steals your chair.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

4. "I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in mypants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00.

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Who Should Be The Manager

Author Unknown

The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".

The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".

The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager".

The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager".

And so it went on – the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.

Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.

The moral of this story is: "You don’t have to be a brain to be a manager – just an asshole!"

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12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Author Unknown

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it’s really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. ( Or psycho in some of our cases…)
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the new Navigator (Substitute vehicle here.. ).
  12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Continue Reading12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Business Horoscopes

author unknown

What your business degree really says about you…

MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that "Geeks shall inherit the Earth."

ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your"carpal tunnel syndrome."

ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above – Same sign, different title.)

CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing Your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term "GO POSTAL."

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Hurdling Cube Walls – A real memo from my work

Steph Mineart

Intercompany Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Facilities
Date: April 3, 1998

Subject: Hurdling Cube Walls

Please read the following message if you are located at Parkwood.

Please be advised that an injury occurred recently when someone climbed over a manager station cube wall. Do NOT, under any circumstance, climb over these walls. There are two keys available for each of these cube offices. If you are at Parkwood both keys were given to you when you arrived at your new station. Please give the extra key from that station to your Administrative Assistant or to Facilities so that someone has access to your office in the event you are not at work. These cubes are not currently mastered keyed. We are working with the furniture manufacturer to get this resolved.

Continue ReadingHurdling Cube Walls – A real memo from my work

The Boss

Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.

Quote from the Boss… “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”

A direct quote from the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.” Learn here the difference between temporary vs part time employment for more info.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!”

HR Manager to job candidate: “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”

Quote from telephone inquiry: “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.”

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, “What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Continue ReadingThe Boss