jokes

Author Unknown

Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.

Accordionated (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj.
Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

Ala’ Python: Something outlandishly funny
example: Justin began singing the song normally but then he started making fun of it ala’ python.

Anacondom, n:
A large-sized, constrictive prophylactic.

Aquadextrous (ak wa deks’ trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Aqualibrium (ak wa lib’ re um) n.
The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

Arachnoleptic fit, n:
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Barbie-Dream: To describe perfection from the perspective of a barbie doll
example: Friend: "Are you still dating Mike?" You: "Don’t ask. I really thought he was my Barbie-Dream Boyfriend. But then I found out he was married."

Batmobiling:
Putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."

Beelzebug, n:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Body Nazis:
Hard core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bozone, n:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Burgacide (burg’ uh side) n.
When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

Buzzacks (buz’ acks) n.
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

Carperpetuation (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance.

Cashtration, n:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor, n:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Coldest: A person (or song) that is absolutely the coolest in the world
example: Dude that song was the coldest!

Coolerator: Device that uses compressed refrigerant gasses and general properties of thermodynamics to keep perishables at a lower temperature. Also known as a refrigerator.
example: Stick that chocolate cake in the coolerator.

Create A Low-Pressure Area: To be low in quality
example: "Was the concert any good?" "Nah, that band really creates a low-pressure area."

Crunchy: The feeling you get when you do or say something really stupid
example: When I tripped on my shoelace in the mall, I felt really crunchy.

Dap: white people
example: Yo dap, wassup?

D&M: A deep and meaningful conversation
example: "Go away! I’m having a D&M with Heidi."

Decaflon, n:
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Digest: Put up with a person you don’t like
example: I’m trying very hard to digest Melanie, but she drives me up the wall.

Dimp (dimp) n.
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

Disconfect (dis kon fekt’) v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

Disinvited
meaning you were invited, but now you are not. Not to be confused with uninvited (never invited at all).

Dopelar effect, n:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Ecnalubma (ek na lub’ ma) n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

Eiffelites (eye’ ful eyetz) n.
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

Elbonics (el bon’ iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Elecelleration (el a sel er ay’ shun) n.
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Elvis Year:
The peak year of something’s popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993."

Extraterrestaurant, n:
An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

Faunacated, adj
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering, noun, which has made a meal of many species.

Floopy: Dizzy, funny, not quite right
example: The pain killers made me feel quite floopy.

Flump: The act of sitting down in a casual manner
example: Why don’t you guys flump down on the couch.

Foreploy, n:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Frust (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Generica:
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was"

Go Salad: To become confused
example: We were rapping about regular stuff and then the guy went all salad on me.

Going Global: To gain a lot of weight
example: After I ate 300 bean burritos in two days, my friends said I had gone global.

Going Postal:
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages.

Good Day: A greeting or term of surprise
example: To a friend: "Good day!"

Good Gravy!: A simple exclamation
example: Good Gravy! What did you do that for?

Grantartica, n:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

Hhemaglobe, n:
The bloody state of the world.

How Much?:
A request for more details.
example: Person 1: "Did you see Johnny?"
Person 2: "Johnny? Johnny how much?"
Person 1: "Johnny Johnson!"

Intaxication, n:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment:
Annoying but you can’t stop watching; e.g. the O.J. trial.

Isk Isk: An expression meaning GO AWAY. A way of ignoring someone.
example: Jess: "Hey Christine…"
Christine: "Isk isk" while waving him off with her hands.

Kinstirpation, n:
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Join WA (whiner’s anonymous): Go somewhere else to whine.
example: Friend: "My life is miserable." You: "Why don’t you join WA or something."

Lactomangulation (lak to man gyu lay’ shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

Lie: 1. Exclamation of a positive nature. 2. Exclamation of a negative nature.
example: 1. That is lie! (positive). 2. That’s soooo lie! (negative).

Like a doctor: Pulling something off with ease or with a great deal of panache.
example: He plays guitar like a doctor.

Lullabuoy, n:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.