jokes

Star Wars… Pants?

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words.

We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

Many Bobans died to bring us these pants.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Storm Trooper Bio-break
Storm Trooper Bio-break

Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.

TK-421… Why aren’t you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.

Luke… Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!

Luke…..I am your pants.

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.

Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister!

Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.

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More Things I Learned From The Movies

Signals

If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:

beep-beep-be-beep… "Help…"
be-be-beep beep… "Us…."
beep-be-be-beep beep… "We’re…"
beep beep-be-beep… "Surrounded…"
be-beep beep beep… "Send…"
be-be-be-beep beep… "Reinforcements…"
beep be-beep beep… "Hurry…" etc.

A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.

Continue ReadingMore Things I Learned From The Movies

Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

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Cynics Guide to Life

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

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I am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian

I am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian
by Christopher Gist Raible
Sung to ” I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from ” Pirates of Penzance”.
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world’s religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I’m full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.

Continue ReadingI am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian

Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Damn, this water’s cold."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Say, "Interesting… more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

Permutations of Borg…

Author Unknown

Uuuh, this is like, Butt-Head of Borg. Uh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh. You will be ass-eliminated, or something. Uh, huh huh huh.

Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh m heh heh heh. That’s pretty cool. Ass-eliminated. Heh heh heh heh.

This is Buzzcut of Borg. You WILL be assimilated. DO YOU FIND THAT AMUSING, BUTT-HEAD?!

I am Cornholio of Borg! (heh heh heh). Your bungholes will be assimilated. I need TP for my bunghole.

#1 Hit on the Borg Top 40: We all sleep in a single subroutine.

#2 Hit on the Borg Top 40: Borg in the USA.

Abraham of Borg: Four score and Seven Assimilations ago…

Ah’m Bubba o’ Boahg. Y’all fixin’ t’ be assim’lated.

Al of Borg: Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.

All a Borg.

Assimilate me tender — Elvis of Borg

Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Borg Express, don’t be assimilated without it.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Tagline theft is futile.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Taglines are irrelevant.

Borg McCoy: Are you out of your assimilated Mind?!

Borg Moderator: Your topic is irrelevant.

Borg Starter Kit. Some assimilation required.

Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.

Borg spreadsheet program: Locutus 1-2-3

Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)

Borg, James Borg. Vodka Martini, Gin is irrelevant.

Borg-Cola: Not the choice of The Next Generation.

Borg-again Christian: Resistance to my sermon is futile

BorgBurgers: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.

BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename

Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.

Bugs Bunny of Borg: What’s up Collective?

C3PO: Artoo, the Chances of avoiding Assimilation are 3,945,876 to 1.

Caffeine of Borg: Sleep is irrelevant.

Can’t Get No Assimilation – Rolling Stones of BORG

Clinton of Borg: The economy is irrelevant.

Clinton of Borg: Hillary says resistance is futile.

CopyCat of Borg: Your tagline will be assimilated.

Dangerfield of Borg: Respect is irrelevant.

Descartes of Borg: I assimilate therefore I am

Ernest BORGnine… you be the judge.

Garfield of Borg: Hairballs are irrelevant.

Geraldo of Borg: Next brothers who assimilate sisters.

Ginsu of Borg: You will be assimilated – but WAIT! There’s MORE!

Go ahead creep, assimilate my day! — Clint Eastborg

GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO — Borg subroutines

Groucho Borg: That’s the silliest thing I ever assimilated.

HamBorg: To assimilate or not to assimilate… that is the question

Hans Solo: I have a very Borg feeling about this.

Have engaged the Borg, ring was assimilated.

HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.

Hillary of Borg: Choice is irrelevant.

Homer of Borg: Prepare to be… ooooohh, doughnuts!

Humphrey Borg-gart: Here’s assimilating you…. kid.

I am Agassi of Borg. Before I assimilate you, is my hair okay?

I am Bart of Borg. Who the hell are you?

I am Bart of Borg. Resistance is futile, You will eat my shorts.

I am Clinton of Borg. Your pain is irrelevant.

I am Daddy Of Borg. Bedtime! Resistance is futile.

I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.

I am Dyslexsic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.

I am Gates of Borg. OEMs will be assimilated.

I am Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be assimiwated.

I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess.

I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to pull my finger.

I am Joker of Borg. Prepare to have your ass humiliated.

I am Jordan of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.

I am Koresh of Borg. You will be incinerated.

I am Madonna of Borg. Gender is irrelevant.

I am Madonna of Borg. Justify my assimilation.

I am not a Borg, but I play one on TV.

I am OS/2 of Borg. DOS will be assimilated.

I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated.

I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat.

If a Borg assimilated in the forest, would anyone know?

Inhaling is irrelevant — Quayle of Borg

King Henry the Borg: Assimilate his ‘ead!

McBorgers: Over 50 million assimilated.

My other computer is a Borg.

P-Porky P-Pig of Borg: You will be assim-assim…absorbed

Popeye of Borg: Prepare to be askimilgrated.

Pythagoras of Borg: Distance is irrelevant.

Tennis is irrelevant — Bjorn Borg

That’s spelled B O R G E — Dan Quayleborg

The battle aint over ’till the fat Borg lady assimilates.

The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless.

The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.

The Borg: Cool, Calm and Collective.

The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg! Borg! Borg!

U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.

Uhura of Borg: Assimilation frequencies open, sir.

We are Borg. is futile is inevitable.

We are Daleks of Borg. ASSIMILATE! ASSI-MIL-ATE!!!!!!!

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

Welcome to Borg Burger. No pickles. Pickles are irrelevant.

What we have here is a failure to assimilate. — Cool Borg Luke

Yoda of Borg: Irrelevant the Force is

Yoooouuuuu’rreee Irrelevant! — Daffy Duck of Borg

Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.

I am Pentium of borg. Division is irrelevant. Mathematics is irrelevant. You will be… approximated.

I’ll assimilate you my pretty, and your little dog too. — Wicked Witch of Borg

I’m irrelevant? You’re irrelevant. This collective is irrelevant. This whole stinking system is irrelevant! — Al Pacino of Borg

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can assimilate for your country. — John Fitzgerald Borg

Well you have to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky punk. Was that five assimilations or six? I forget Myself. — Clint Eastborg

We are Barney of Borg. I love you. You love me. Resistance is futile.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? All of them.

How do you kill a Borg? Stick it in a roomful of blondes (nothing to assimilate).

Borg Answering Machine Message: WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

Orson Welles of borg: no assimilation before its time.

Healthy Trekkies work out at the He’s Dead Gym

Continue ReadingPermutations of Borg…

The Drunkard’s To Do List

by Frank Rich

The idea is to cross every item off this list. Of course if you do that, your liver will give out before you can actually tell anyone about it. But go ahead, give it a shot. Just don’t ask me to go with you.

1. Open and close a bar.

2. Go on a bender.

3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.

4. Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.

5. Spend a night in the drunk tank.

6. Get drunk on the grave of your hero.

7. Buy a crowded bar a round.

8. Embark on an impromptu road trip.

9. Get 86’d from a bar.

10. Extravagantly over-tip a bartender.

11. Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.

12. Conspire an after hours at your favorite bar.

13. Make your best friend a perfect martini.

14. Buy, build or steal a home bar.

15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies.

16. Get drunk with your father.

17. Fight a good fight.

18. Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.

19. Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.

20. Sit in on an A. A. meeting.

21. Hit a dozen bars in one night.

22. Try at least one hundred different drinks.

23. Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.

24. Juice on the job.

25. Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.

26. Give a hobo twenty bucks.

27. Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.

28. Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.

29. Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.

30. Go on a fishing trip with your pals.

31. Eat the worm.

32. Learn at least one traditional drinking song.

33. Steal some booze.

34. Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.

35. Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.

36. Try absinthe.

37. Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.

38. Work at least a week as a bartender.

39. Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.

40. Go to your place of worship loaded.

Continue ReadingThe Drunkard’s To Do List