It’s funny. But sort of painfully true. That bit about Ikea smarts just a little, given our recent assemblages. 🙂 As funny as it is, though, not all gay relationships work this way, any more than all straight marriages end in divorce. This may be clever, but it’s ultimately self-defeating to think this way.
1. Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, “Who’d you call a faggot?” — Jon Stewart
2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. –Lorne Bloch
3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. –From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision. –Lynn Lavner
5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I’m giving them my share. –Rita Mae Brown
6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. –Letter to the Editor, The Advocate
7. You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. –Barry Goldwater
8. If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.” –Robin Tyler
9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? –Ernest Gaines
10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? –The Value of Families
11. I’d rather be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother. –Charles Pierce, 1980
12. That word “lesbian” sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they’re sure that they’re the cure. –Denise McCanles
13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. –Anita Bryant, 1977
14. If gays are granted rights, next we’ll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. –Anita Bryant
15. The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. –Dennis Miller
16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won’t be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. –Judy Carter
17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. –W. Somerset Maugham
18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t. –Author Unknown
19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, “all my Homosexual patients are quite sick” – to which I finally replied “so are all my heterosexual patients.” –Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. –Andrew G. Dehel
21. If male homosexuals are called “gay,” then female homosexuals should be called “ecstatic.” –Shelly Roberts
22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. –Amanda Bearse
23. Some women can’t say the word Lesbian…even when their mouth is full of one. –Kate Clinton
24. No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. –Author Unknown
25. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It’s like disapproving of rain. –Francis Maude
26. The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody. –Rita Mae Brown
27. ‘You could move.’ –Abigail Van Buren, “Dear Abby,” in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood
1. On the day of a gay wedding, it’s bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3. It’s customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.
4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it’s all carbs.
5. It’s considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6. During the first dance, it’s considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.
7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8. The father of the Bottom pays for everything!
1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You’re the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don’t know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
23. You’ve always got an opinion.
24. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You’re the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn’t actually an insult.
32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don’t even know – like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You’ve called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don’t give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party’s over.
59. You know where to go after the party’s over.
60. You’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn’t necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. You know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
67. If your cat is a female, you swear it’s a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it’s a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand By Your Man."
69. You’ve been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You’ll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
73. You’ve left someone totally speechless.
74. You’ve shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
86. You’re Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88. Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes you’ve added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and ‘important issues" can be about hair.
90. You’ve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) Steel Magnolias
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 9412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 8136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you’re in Kansas, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
A gay man was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie.
The Genie said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"
The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
"Nope, just one…due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages, third-world countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So…what’ll it be? The complete set of Tyson Cane videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday Mr. President sequined dress in your size with matching shoes?"
The man shook his head ‘no’, and didn’t hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and shrieked, "Miss Thaaaaaang, I don’t think so, not in this lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish."
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man, you know, one that’s considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is well endowed, only wants sex from me, doesn’t do drugs or drink too much, has a great job with a good income, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and tells me I always look fabulous, and is great in bed. That’s what I wish for… the perfect guy to have as my lover."
The Genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "Oh Miss Thang… let me see that map again."
- You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
- You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
- You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
- You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
- You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
- You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
- No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
- You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
- You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
- You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
- Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
- You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
- You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
- You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
- You know how to get back at just about everyone.
- Your pets always have great names.
- Nobody expects you to change a tire.
- You’re the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
- You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
- You only wear polyester when you mean to.
- At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
- You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
- You get to choose your family.
- You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
- You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
- You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
- You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
- You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
- You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
- You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
- You know how to "air kiss".
- You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
- You know how to dress strategically.
- You know when to move out and move on.
- You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
- You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
- You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn’t necessarily an insult.
- You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
- You know which wine to bring.
- Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
- You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
- You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
- You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
- You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
- You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
- You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
- You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
- You have the latest International Male catalog.
- You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
- You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
“Most mental-health organizations have passed resolutions discouraging the use of so-called reparative therapies intended to change homosexuals into heterosexuals, saying no scientific evidence exists to show they are effective.” - New York Times, May 9, 2001
To people who say that psychotherapy cannot change a person’s sexual orientation, Dr. Rafe Da Vinci of Miami Beach says, “Numbers aren’t straight or queer, they’re clear. And the numbers show that therapy can change orientation, especially among men.”
Da Vinci, a veteran psychiatrist with a booming practice in a Collins Avenue high-rise, is attracting growing attention in the debate about so-called “reparative therapies” that seek to change a person’s sexual orientation. Doctors, gay rights activists, and others who say that sexual orientation is determined early in life have questioned claims that people with homosexual tendencies can overcome them via psychotherapy. Da Vinci’s practice focuses on an oft-neglected group at the heart of this debate: straight men who wish to become gay.
“Survey data from submarines, discos, and prisons show that anywhere from 9 to 23 percent of males say they have a desire to become gay,” Da Vinci said in a recent interview. “I think we have shown that these same men, if they commit themselves to an intensive course of therapy, can become happy homosexuals.”
Heterosexual rights activists have questioned Da Vinci’s data and criticized his politics, saying that his practice stigmatizes perfectly normal straight people and exploits their feelings of shame and guilt. Critics also allege that Da Vinci supported a resolution at the 1978 American Congress of Psychotherapists defining heterosexuality as a “uniquely vexing condition.” The motion was narrowly defeated. Da Vinci denies any intention of fomenting intolerance of the straight lifestyle, saying that he was married to his third wife at the time.
Bearded, avuncular, and outspoken, Da Vinci has attracted hundreds of clients from all over south Florida with a controversial counseling regimen that includes group discussions about how best to cope with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. There are also frequent trips to Dean & DeLuca and a reading list that includes Remembrance of Things Past, Dennis Rodman’s memoirs, and The Seven Habits of Highly Homosexual People.
“In Freudian terms, we seek to reverse the Oedipal cycle, transferring the object identification with the unrealizable female Other into a more cognitive attachment to a responsible male, preferably one with a BMW,” Da Vinci explained.
Originally a skeptic about reparative therapies, Da Vinci now says he is a believer.
“The non-straight heterosexual can reconcile his value system and his orientation,” he says. “I’ve seen it happen in my office.”
Da Vinci’s latest book, Going Gay (Gomorrah Press), is now ranked 14,342 on the Amazon.com best-seller list and is climbing rapidly. His claims of success, while hotly disputed by heterosexual rights activists, are beginning to receive respectful coverage in professional journals. Last year Da Vinci published a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Gendered Genetics that is stirring debate on the Internet and on talk radio shows in some parts of Western Australia.
Out of 111 men who had undergone his “Gay for Good” course of therapy for at least a year, Da Vinci reported that 29 said that they no longer had sexual fantasies involving Rachel from Friends. An additional 21 men reported that while they still hoped to date Anna Kournikova someday, they were “somewhat happier” with their homosexual lifestyle. Da Vinci acknowledges that a slight majority of the men, 55 in total, reverted back to a straight lifestyle. Six of the reversion group, he noted, had committed suicide.
“Clearly, this therapy isn’t for everybody,” Da Vinci said.
The most common motivating factors cited by men who want to become gay, according to Da Vinci’s survey, were “morality” (58 percent), “better clothes” (39 percent), and “more quality time at the gym” (28 percent).
“A lot of these guys say they deeply believe that it’s just not right to get into a reproductive relationship in an era of dwindling natural resources,” Da Vinci said. “Others want to uphold the moral values exemplified by Western thinkers from Socrates to Allan Bloom.”
Da Vinci expressed surprise that among the motivations of those seeking to stay gay for good, “more sexual partners” only barely edged out “less watching of football” (22 percent to 21 percent). He said older patients in his study group most often cited “live like Cary Grant” (11 percent) and “a lot more sexual partners” (9 percent) as reasons for leaving the straight lifestyle. Younger clients spoke of “increased opportunities for meeting Ricky Martin in person” (5 percent).
Garth LeBouche, executive director of the Straight Support Network, a heterosexual activist group based in Arlington, Texas, decried Da Vinci’s claims as “agenda-driven.”
He criticized Da Vinci’s reports about heterosexual suicide. According to published interviews, two of the men cited in Da Vinci’s study had not committed suicide but had perished from heat exhaustion at a PTA meeting. A third fatality, LeBouche said, had strangled on a Happy Meal toy while playing with his 4-year-old son.
“Do those sound like men who died unhappy about their heterosexuality?” LeBouche said in a telephone interview. “Only an intolerant extremist would say such a thing.”
LeBouche praised the recent decision of the Bush administration to reverse an executive order issued by President Clinton on his last day in office that would have included “Gay for Good” on a list of reparative therapies paid for by the U.S. Navy’s health plan.
“This crazy notion that we can talk people into loving someone else should not be financed by the U.S. taxpayer,” LeBouche said.
Da Vinci, a registered Republican who voted for McCain, says he regrets the administration’s decision but will not contest it.
“Ending coverage will most likely hurt unit morale. On those submarines where the presence of straight people may be perceived by homosexuals as incompatible with tradition, the Gay for Good program helped some sailors fit in. Now, unhappy heterosexuals, who I suspect voted overwhelmingly for Bush, will have nowhere to turn. It’s sad.”
The tanned and buff doctor scoffs at published reports in the gay press that he is a closet heterosexual. He says that he and his longtime spiritual companion of three weeks, physical trainer Ferdinand Mateo of Brazil, are now seeking to develop conversion therapy for women.
“Our research,” Da Vinci says, “suggests that up to 72 percent of all adult females say that heterosexual men are either emotionally unavailable, financially untrustworthy, sexually selfish, hygienically challenged, prone to illusions of grandeur, or all of the above. If we can help millions of women to become lesbians, we think that would probably be a net plus for human happiness.”
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn’t it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"