funny lists

Airplane Landings

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Continue ReadingAirplane Landings

Airplane Maintenance Reports

Here are some supposedly true maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn’t."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200
fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That’s what they’re there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Continue ReadingAirplane Maintenance Reports

Actual Newpaper Ads

These ads supposedly appeared in real papers.

"Bite the wax tadpole." – Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." – ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." – Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

"Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused." – correction printed in The Daily Californian

Funny Classifieds

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children = $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Free Beer!!…Tomorrow.

Continue ReadingActual Newpaper Ads

Love, Lust and Marriage

Author Unknown

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald’s Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids’ candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What’s sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover’s Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Continue ReadingLove, Lust and Marriage

Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Man

Author Unknown

I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

Ahhhh, it’s cute.

Why don’t we just cuddle?

You know they have surgery to fix that.

Make it dance.

Can I paint a smiley face on it?

Wow, and your feet are so big.

It’s OK, we’ll work around it.

Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

Oh no… a flash headache.

(giggle and point)

Can I be honest with you?

How sweet, you brought incense.

This explains your car.

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

Why is God punishing me?

At least this won’t take long.

I never saw one like that before.

But it still works, right?

It looks so unused.

Maybe it looks better in natural light.

Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

Are you cold?

If you get me real drunk first.

Is that an optical illusion?

What is that?

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

Does it come with an air pump?

So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.

Continue ReadingHarsh Things To Say To A Naked Man

101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex

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author unknown

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time… right? Person 2: Yeah… today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…

21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleanedthis couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth…

27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really… I do this part better myself!

48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You’re almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rottenpotatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession…

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?

79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I’m doin’?)

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like… Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.

84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…

92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…

99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

Continue Reading101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex

If God Were A Computer Programmer

Author Unknown

Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it’s tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on Jolt Cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren’t programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don’t let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let’s just say he’s not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don’t make it a name, a common word, or a date (like your birthday).

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

Continue ReadingIf God Were A Computer Programmer

Techno Toasters

Author Unknown

If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters…
They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If SGI made toasters…
It would make the bread look like it was toasted. It could also transform rye to wheat and add whatever kind of spread you could imagine, and it would slyly imply credit for making the loaf of bread in the first place.

If Sony made toasters…
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If CostCo made toasters…
They’d be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of ’em.

And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters…
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

Continue ReadingTechno Toasters

Watch Out For These Computer Viruses

Author Unknown

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline Luggage Virus: You’re in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting with them as your phone company.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Pat Buchanan Virus: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Hillary Clinton Virus: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the mostimportant part of your computer.

Steve Forbes Virus: All files are reported as the same size.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

GALLUP Poll Virus: Sixty percent of the PC’s infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system once a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Dr. Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Dr. Kevorkian Virus #2: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Los Angeles Police Department Virus: It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."

Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Home Shopping Network.

New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of peoplereally mad just thinking about it.

NIKE Virus: Just does it.

Richard Nixon Virus: Says, "I am not a virus!"

Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

PBS Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Politcally Correct Virus: Never identifies itself as a "virus,"but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

Colin Powell Virus: Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do anything.Secretly, you wish it would.

Elvis Presley Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across ruralAmerica.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Dan Quayle Virus: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cantfigyour outt watt!

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

Right to Life Virus: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Oral Roberts Virus: Claims that if you don’t send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

Sears Virus: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

O.J. Simpson Virus: You know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Viagra virus: Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 200mb.

Continue ReadingWatch Out For These Computer Viruses

Computer Geek T-Shirts

Author Unknown

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

<—————- The information went data way ———–

Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud……. James Baud.

BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access deniedånah nah na nah nah!

c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay…

Why doesn’t DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

>… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.

11th commandemnt – Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Pentium.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case… coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

SENILE.COM found … Out of Memory…

Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS… Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

All computers wait at the same speed.

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Press – to continue…

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to senderåinsufficient voltage.

Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." – Bill Gates, 1981

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

Go ahead, make my data

Continue ReadingComputer Geek T-Shirts