SciFi / Fantasy / SCA / D&D Jokes

Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology

Beyond the Final Frontier lies Bab 5

Could be a Hologram

Could be a figment of your imagination

Could be a mutation

Cross my hearts and hope to regenerate

Do you know where your towel is?

Dragon fodder

ELF: The Other White Meat

Free Mars Now!

He’s dim, Jed

How much is that in Federation Credits?

I am very interested in the future because I plan to spend the rest of my life there.

I don’t remember volunteering for this "Ring" business

I have no use for adventures — they’re nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things and
make you late for dinner

If there is anything in the universe more important than my ego, I want it taken
out and shot immediately.

I’ll have some of what that gentlebeing on the floor is drinking

It’s not my damn planet, Monkey Boy

Live wrong and preposterously

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup

My parents went to Sol 3 and all I got was this stupid human

Not all who wander are lost

Of course I’m in a bad mood — someone just dropped a house on my sister

Old Gallifreyan riddle — which came first the future or the past?

On my planet we laugh occasionally

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

Reality corrupts. Absolute reality corrupts absolutely

Reality is just one option

Reality is the opiate of the people

Save the universe — collect all five

So much for the old code against killing

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination

Spending a year dead for tax purposes

There is a very fine line between reality and fantasy — and I’d just as soon obscure

Time paradoxes will have given me a headache

Anachronists do it knightly

Anfractous: n. Full of twists and turns. Torturous. See Game’

Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse

Are we all being disintegrated, or is it just me?

Arrant Fool


Bards are beautiful

Berserkers do it without thinking

Better Living through Alchemy

Buggeth Off



Chivalry is alive and well in the SCA

Concealed broadsword

Crossbows don’t kill people. Quarrels kill people


Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies

Follow me to the current Middle Ages

Gamers make better lovers — They know how to handle themselves in the dark

Have you hugged your Wench today?

Have you oppressed your peasants today?

Heralds do it with their companions

I like the Knight life

I thought YOU silenced the guard!

If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap

Imperious Rex

Knight Errant

Lady of the Knight

Live by the sword — Die by the crossbow

Maiden in Distress

Maybe if we attack, it will get confused, and make a mistake

Merde Occureth

Never, EVER, throw a fireball in a closed room.

Never trust a smiling game master

No Quarter

No, seriously, how much damage did I take?


Oh Regrettable Knight!


Peace through superior swordplay

Practice save government — use kingdoms

Retired Barbarian


SCA – medieval re-creation and recreation


Shameless Hussy

So many monsters, so little time


SSDA — same s***, different age

Surely you Joust?


Take a journey through time, join the SCA

The Game Master is Not God. God is one of my little NPC’s.

The King is a fink

Those spurs are, I must say, a provocative addition to your wardrobe.


Umm… Can I UN-cast that Fireball? I think it made him mad

Unprincipled Rake

Uppity Wench

What guard?

Waste a Knight with me

You bash the Balrog, I’ll climb a tree

Continue ReadingSciFi / Fantasy / SCA / D&D Jokes

Little Known “Facts”

Many of these “facts” have been debunked at one time or another on So take them with a grain of salt.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon movies where both parents are present and don’t die during the movie.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4.

Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong.

Coca-cola was originally green.

Conception occurs more often in December than any other month.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

Honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil.

“I am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.

In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

It’s impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

Los Angeles’s full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" – and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

More women Wash their hands in the bathroom than men. Women: 80%, Men: 55%

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

No president of the United States was an only child.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

Only 14 percent of Ammericans say they’ve gone Skinny Dipping with the opposite sex.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Polar bears are left handed.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever. Dumbest dog: Afghan.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfishes haven’t got brains.

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it.

In his/her lifetime, the average person accidentally eats 8 spiders at night.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, making the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s A Wonderful Life."

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. (That’s if you don’t use North and South for America.)

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow’s or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won’t open wide enough.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There’s no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.

What separates 60 Minutes from every other TV show? No theme song/music.

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

Continue ReadingLittle Known “Facts”

One-Liners About Cats

A cat is always on the wrong side of the door

A cat is the visible soul of a home

A home without a cat–and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat–may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? — Mark Twain

After dark, all cats are jaguars

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

Cat – a small furry organism with a tropism for where it’s not wanted

Cats are smarter then dogs. You can’t teach eight cats to pull a sled.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything has a function

Cats are Zen made Fur — Jo Godwin

Cat Creed: Everything here is mine

Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you

If cats had longer attention spans, they’d be running the world

Is it ok if the cat watches?

Thousands of years ago, Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.

What part of MEOW don’t you understand?

Whatever you’re doing its not as important as petting the cat.

Continue ReadingOne-Liners About Cats

One-Liners About Books

A Room without books is a body without soul – Cicero

A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone – Jo Godwin

Any Book worth banning is a Book worth reading

Are you sure it isn’t time for a colorful metaphor?

Censor: n. Someone who thinks they know more then you should

Don’t destroy the world in the first chapter. You’ll need it later.

Fight Prime Time — Read a Book

For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision

Give me six lines written by the most honorable of men, and I will find an excuse in them to hang him. – Cardinal Richelieu

I love being a writer. It’s the paperwork I can’t stand

Help! We are lost, crazed and starving and without any good books as well.

I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book

I write, therefore it is.

I’m word haunted – Virginia Woolf

Life? Of course I have a life. It’s a life filled with books

Migratory life form with a tropism for bookstores

Real writers don’t need to have their words processed

So many books, so little money

So many books, so little time

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested – Sir Francis Bacon

Some people say life is the thing but I prefer reading.

The worst thing about censorship is

They got the library at Alexandria — they’re not getting mine

Where is human nature so weak as in a bookstore?

Continue ReadingOne-Liners About Books