Funny Lists

You Know You’re Gay When…

Author Unknown

  1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
  2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
  3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
  4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
  5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
  6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
  7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
  8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
  9. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
  10. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
  11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
  12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
  13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
  14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
  15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
  16. Your pets always have great names.
  17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
  18. You’re the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
  19. You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
  20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
  21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
  22. You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
  23. You get to choose your family.
  24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
  25. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
  26. You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
  27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
  28. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
  29. You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
  30. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
  31. You know how to "air kiss".
  32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
  33. You know how to dress strategically.
  34. You know when to move out and move on.
  35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
  36. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
  37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn’t necessarily an insult.
  38. You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
  39. You know which wine to bring.
  40. Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
  41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
  42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
  43. You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
  44. You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
  45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
  46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
  47. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
  48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
  49. You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
  50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
Continue ReadingYou Know You’re Gay When…

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny
1. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket
2. Walk softly and carry a big carrot
3. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
4. There’s no such thing as too much candy
5. All work and no play can make you a basket case
6. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
7. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
8. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
9. Some body parts should be floppy
10. Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans
11. Good things come in small, sugar-coated packages
12. The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket
13. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
14. To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
15. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

Continue ReadingAll I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny

Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

Author Unknown

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. Replace your old keyboard with a better mechanical one from qwertybro.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 sign your cat has learned your internet password…

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post!

Continue ReadingTen Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

Job Advertisment Glossary

Author Unknown

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Continue ReadingJob Advertisment Glossary

Jewish English or ‘Hebonics’

Author Unknown

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics

Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."

The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V".
Thus "walking" becomes "valking"

"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It’s "ghraining" "algheady"

Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics

Questions are always answered with questions.
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis" mountains becomes "shmountains" turtle becomes "shmurtle".

Sample Usage Comparisons

Standard English Phrase

Hebonics Phrase

"He walks slow"

"Like a fly in the ointment he walks"

"You’re sexy"

(unknown concept)

"Sorry, I do not know the time"

"What do I look like, a clock?"

"I hope things turn out for the best"

"You should BE so lucky"

"Anything can happen"

"It is never so bad, it can’t get worse"
Continue ReadingJewish English or ‘Hebonics’

Darwin Awards 2000

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Sighting #1 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Continue ReadingDarwin Awards 2000

Silly State Laws

NOTE: I’m not sure how many of these are actually true – this came to me in an email forward in 2000 and I posted it here.

Arkansas:
–A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.

California:
–In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
–It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

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Accidental Accident Reports

Author Unknown

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible, mostly in an attempt of recovering compensation for personal injuries.  Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

Continue ReadingAccidental Accident Reports