Author: HFM

This author has written 6420 articles

Business Horoscopes

author unknown

What your business degree really says about you…

MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that "Geeks shall inherit the Earth."

ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your"carpal tunnel syndrome."

ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above – Same sign, different title.)

CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing Your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term "GO POSTAL."

Continue ReadingBusiness Horoscopes

Computer Definitions

Author Unknown

404:
Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

486:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or workgroup. "Ask Mark, he’s the alpha geek."

Betamaxed:
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

Blowing Your Buffer:
Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Bookmark:
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

CGI Joe:
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the societal skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chip Jewelry:
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that 6100/66, and now it’s nothing by chip jewelry."

Chips and Salsa:
Chips=3D hardware, salsa=3D software, i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa."

Cobweb Site:
A Web site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

Crapplet:
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!"

Dead Tree Edition:
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…"

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Dropped carrier:
Losing contact/ignoring a person. Example: "I think you’re a doofus!" "That’s okay, I dropped your carrier hours ago!"

Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ("I spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.")

Ego Surfing:
Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

G3:
Apple’s new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Graybar Land:
The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

GUI:
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

I/O Error
Ignorant Operator. Used by tech support in attributing problems not necessarily caused by the computer. Takeoff on Input/Output error.

It’s a Feature:
From the adage "It’s not a bug, it’s a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

JIP (Jargon Interface Protocol): When someone knows the technical meaning of acronyms such as http, tcp/ip, csu/dsu, etc. Example: They’re plugged into the JIP.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Keyboard Plaque:
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Legacy Media:
The traditional media, such as radio and television, but particularly newspapers. Term can describe Web sites that conform to traditional newspaper standards.

Link Rot:
The process by which links on a Web page become obsolete as they sites they’re connected to change location or die.

Meatspace:
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL."

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Mouse Potato:
The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Nyetscape:
Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

Plug and Play:
A new hire who doesn’t need any training. "The new guy John is great. He’s totally plug-and-play."

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

Silliwood:
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV, and computers, also "hollywired."

Square headed boy/girlfriend:
Your computer.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can’t afford.

Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Treeware:
Manuals and documentation.

Under Mouse Arrest:
Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re- boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

World-Wide Wait:
The real meaning of WWW.

Continue ReadingComputer Definitions

Songs of Peace and Freedom 1 (Vol. 1 of Hippie Series)

  • Post author:
  • Post category:My Playlists

01 – We Shall Not Be Moved – SNCC Freedom Singers
02 – We Shall Overcome – SNCC Freedom Singers
03 – Get Together – Youngbloods
04 – Blowin’ in the Wind – Peter, Paul and Mary
05 – I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing – The New Seekers
06 – Reach Out In The Darkness – Friend and Lover
07 – Put A Little Love in Your Heart – Jackie De Shannon
08 – Everything is Beautiful – Ray Stevens
09 – Oooh Child – The Five Stairsteps
10 – People Got To Be Free – The Rascals
11 – Everyday People – Sly and the Family Stone
12 – What’s Going On? – Marvin Gaye
13 – Turn, Turn, Turn – The Seekers
14 – If I Had a Hammer – Peter, Paul and Mary
15 – San Francisco – Scott McKensie
16 – Abraham, Martin and John – Dion
17 – One Tin Soldier – Coven
18 – For What It’s Worth – Buffalo Springfield
19 – Weave Me the Sunshine – Peter, Paul and Mary
20 – Garden Song – Peter, Paul and Mary
21 – This Land is Your Land – Peter, Paul and Mary
22 – Give Peace a Chance – John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band
23 – I Feel Like I’m Fixin to Die Rag – Country Joe and The Fish

Continue ReadingSongs of Peace and Freedom 1 (Vol. 1 of Hippie Series)

Songs of Peace and Freedom 2 (Vol. 2 of Hippie Series)

  • Post author:
  • Post category:My Playlists

01 – Eve Of Destruction – Barry McGuire
02 – Ball Of Confusion – The Temptations
03 – What About Me – Quicksilver Messenger Service
04 – Lay Down (Candles In The Rain) – Melanie
05 – Aquarius – 5th Dimension
06 – In the Year 2525 (Exordius and Terminus) – Zager and Evans
07 – Woodstock – Joni Mitchell
08 – Signs – Five Man Electric Band
09 – What The World Needs Now Is Love – Jackie DeShannon
10 – He Ain’t Heavy (He’s My Brother) – The Hollies
11 – River Jordan – Peter, Paul And Mary
12 – Light One Candle – Peter, Paul And Mary
13 – Down By The Riverside – Peter, Paul And Mary
14 – Where Have All The Flowers Gone – Peter, Paul And Mary
15 – Universal Soldier – Buffy St. Marie
16 – Will The Circle Be Unbroken – Ramblin’ Jack Elliot
17 – Joe Hill – Joan Baez
18 – Revolution – The Beatles
19 – Desiderata – Max Ehrmann
20 – Indian Reservation – Raiders

Continue ReadingSongs of Peace and Freedom 2 (Vol. 2 of Hippie Series)

Good Morning Starshine (Vol. 3 of Hippie Series)

  • Post author:
  • Post category:My Playlists

01 – Joy (Beethoven) – Apollo 100
02 – Do You Believe in Magic – Lovin’ Spoonful
03 – Good Morning, Starshine – Oliver
04 – Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) – Edison Lighthouse
05 – Love is All Around – The Troggs
06 – Groovy Kind Of Love – The Mindbenders
07 – My Baby Loves Lovin’ – White Plains
08 – Happy Together – The Turtles
09 – United We Stand – Brotherhood of Man
10 – Bus Stop – The Hollies
11 – Me and You and a Dog Name Boo – Lobo
12 – The Way You Do the Things You Do – Temptations
13 – I Second that Emotion – Temptations
14 – Ain’t Too Proud To Beg – Temptations
15 – Brand New Key – Melanie
16 – I Think We’re Alone Now – Tommy James and the Shondells
17 – Different Drum – Stone Ponies
18 – Five O’Clock World – The Vogues
19 – Mustang Sally – Wilson Pickett
20 – Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield
21 – Rose Garden – Lynn Anderson
22 – Indiana Wants Me – R. Dean Taylor
23 – Ain’t No Sunshine – Bill Withers
24 – What Becomes of the Broken Hearted – Jimmy Ruffin
25 – Papa was a Rolling Stone – Temptations

Continue ReadingGood Morning Starshine (Vol. 3 of Hippie Series)

I want to be Batgirl

I miss making out. Not that I don’t do it anymore, but not the way I used to. I mean that I miss kissing that’s unaccompanied by sex, or thoughts of sex, or thoughts of a relationship, or thoughts of anything other than just — making out.

That’s the best part of being a teenager – you can kiss without having to worry about all the stuff that comes after. I guess that’s not true anymore, really, is it? But it was when I was a teenager.

You know that kiss that isn’t going anywhere, but might? Unhurried, undistracted. “Long, slow deep wet kisses that last three days.” You know that line had to come from a movie, because no actual man ever said that and meant it as anything other than a pick-up line.

That kiss where you know your partner’s tongue as well as you know your own? The kind that starts our a little frantic and then you get each other’s rythym and eventually you almost feel like the same person, until you realize your foot fell asleep and you really need to move?

I imagine myself kissing women all the time.
I wanted to be Batgirl. I wanted to kiss Wonder Woman.
I wanted to be Dorothy. I wanted to kiss Glinda.
I want to be Buffy Summers. I want to kiss Willow.
I want to be Gillian Anderson. I want to kiss Jodie Foster.
I really want to kiss Holly Marie Coombs, but if I were Holly Marie Coombs, I’d want to kiss Shannen Dorhety.

Gina Gershon has me all twisted up in knots. I want to kiss her and be her at the same time.

Continue ReadingI want to be Batgirl

Accidental Peeping Tom

When I was a kid, I was cutting through my neighbor’s side yard to get to the next street over, and as I passed Kloberdanz’ house, I saw a motion in one of the basement windows and glanced down. I saw Matt Kloberdanz in the basement, and he looked up and saw me. I was walking pretty quickly, so I really didn’t see much, but apparently they thought I did.

Mrs. Kloberdanz called my mother to complain that I was peering in their windows, implying that I had been kneeling down by the basement window looking in, with my hands cupped around my face. Of course, my mother yelled at me, and no matter what I said, no one believed that I happened to glance at the window while walking past.

This past summer, I was leaving for work, and as I was walking out the front door, I heard a noise and looked around to see my landlady walking through the dining room door naked. I said, Oh! and hurried out the door so I wouldn’t see any more of her. Apparently she got up to let the dog out and since it was hot, didn’t throw on any clothes.

Every day I walk up the stairs to my apartment. The windows on the stairs face the house next door, and happens to look directly into a bedroom window where a woman sits in bed watching TV almost every night, sometimes partially undressed, and sometimes nude. She’s usually smoking in bed, too, which sort of freaks me out. I can’t possibly avoid seeing her, and she has to know when she sees the light come on in the stairwell that I can see her as well as she can see me.

Why is it I’m always seeing people that I don’t want to see?

Kodama
Kodama
Continue ReadingAccidental Peeping Tom

The Friends Refrigerator

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Television

I have the same refrigerator as Monica and Rachel. That old International Harvester from the 1950’s with the rounded top, and the copper-colored strip across the middle? The very same one. It even looks sort of the same as theirs on TV, with the pictures and magnets and stuff. Since I read an article about “Everything You Need to Know About Hard Water“, I am being able to manage the filter’s functioning that has extended my fridge’s lifespan.

Although, I’ll bet theirs doesn’t have a postcard on it that says “Be Gay in a Cotton Print” or my Madame Fortune magnet that tells you “It’s in the cards” when you ask it a question. I’ll bet theirs doesn’t have a metal gate latch on the side to keep the door closed because the handle is broken, either. And I’ll bet they don’t have problems with the tiny ice box type freezer icing up.

Apartment on New Jersey

I hate it when the characters on TV are supposed to be struggling financially, and they have all this stuff that’s supposed to be cheap, but it’s fixed up really cool in a way that would be so expensive that it would actually cost more than new stuff. Like really old jalopies that are totally tricked out and your dad would pay $50,000 for, instead of that crappy three-colored Chevette where the floorboard rusts through so when you drive it in the rain, your feet get wet.

Or furniture that’s supposed to look like they got it at a flea market, but you know if you ever found something like that it would cost a fortune. White trash people on TV never have furniture from Value City like they do in real life. You never see wood-grain laminated particle board furniture on TV.

Sort of like how the guy who’s the huge dork on TV, the guy that’s supposed to be not as good-looking or as cool as everyone else is really pretty cute and if he were in your high school, would have been really popular.

Like the whole quality scale in Hollywood is shifted upward a bit, so the low end of their scale is around the middle of real life.

Continue ReadingThe Friends Refrigerator

Anti-Gay Hate Crime Legislation

To my esteemed legislators:

When I was in college in August of 1989, I was raped. My rapist picked me out in a gay bar, followed me home, and came back to next night to attack me in my home. He did this because I am a lesbian, and he felt he was “teaching me a lesson” — his words during the attack.

As a result of this rape, I became pregnant and then had a miscarriage. Since then I have gone on with my life, but ten years later, I can’t say it hasn’t affected me, although I am a very strong young woman. I think about that attack every day when I unlock my car at night, and when I’m home alone.

In the course of that ten years I have had close friends suffer the effects of anti-gay violence, and have seen brutal anti-gay attacks that were well publicized both here in Indianapolis, and in Muncie, where I went to college.

I am strongly convinced that hate crimes laws can make a difference in curbing anti-gay crime, and in sending a message to society that targeting gay and lesbian people is not acceptable.

I’ve phoned or written you every year to express my support for Hate Crimes Legislation because I believe that it would make a difference for all minority groups. But I cannot support House Bill 1011.

To pass a hate crimes law that excludes gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people, some of the prime targets of hate violence, would be to fly directly in the face of the purpose of such a law, to make a mockery of it.

It would suggest, even invite, the idea that hate crimes are okay as long as they are directed against the “appropriate” targets — gay targets.

You have to excuse me when I say with vehemence that I no longer want to be a target, and I don’t want to be the shield that other minority groups hide behind.

If you truly believe that hate crime, any hate crime, is morally wrong, then you will not pass a law that puts forth the idea of the law while offending the spirit of it.

Continue ReadingAnti-Gay Hate Crime Legislation