Parent’s Dictionary
Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Darwin Awards 2000
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Sighting #1 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Silly State Laws
NOTE: I’m not sure how many of these are actually true – this came to me in an email forward in 2000 and I posted it here.
Arkansas:
–A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California:
–In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
–It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
The Raft
And you thought this only happened in the movies. Jerry swears this story about a rubber boat really happened to him…
OK. Here goes. I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Don’t ask, I never did).
A Heartwarming Story
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
Customer "Support" At A Phone Company
I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty. Towards the end of his very long and unproductive call he was starting to get exasperated, and the following (paraphrased) exchange ensued.
Accidental Accident Reports
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible, mostly in an attempt of recovering compensation for personal injuries. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In the Park
Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:
Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
Letters to Landlords
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords by their tenants. A lot of these are related to repairs that should have been addressed through checklist inspections.
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.” Learn the mechanism of drain snakes to unclog any toilet.
“The leaky plumbing needs immediate action from a licensed plumber.”
“I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
The Landing
This is in fact a true letter written by an 8-year-old onboard a Quantus flight. She handed it to a flight attendant to give to the captain.
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