So after Ameritech finally got my phone service turned on at my new address, they shut it off at my old one… when they weren’t supposed to until the end of the month. So I called and yelled at them. And supposedly, they fixed it. We’ll see.
Figuring out my Chinese horoscope.
Birthday/time: June 6th, 1968, 7:01 a.m.
Latitude and Longitude where I was born: West Des Moines, IA (US): 41n35, 93w43, Iowa.
Timezone: -6 GMT.
You are Red Sheep, born in the year of Brown Monkey. The first character in DAY represents you. So you are equivalent to Fire.
Lucky element: Water.
Luckiest decades – age 40-50, age 50-60, age 60-70
(to the tune of ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’)
Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…"
Windows, that is … PCs.. workstations..
Well, the first thing ya know ol’ Jed’s an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley…
Intel, that is… Pentium.. big amusement park…
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project’s late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we’ll work you 52!"
OT, that is… unpaid… mandatory…
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple… "We’ll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is… stressed out… no social life.
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is… de-briefed… unemployed…
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you’re told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you’re old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is… Bill Gates… Steve Jobs…
Y’all come back now…ya hear!
General Motors doesn’t have a "help line" for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if they did?
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What’s an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an ‘E’ but no ‘F’."
HELPLINE: "You see the ‘E’ and just to the right is the ‘F’.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first ‘E’ is a ‘V’.
HELPLINE: "A ‘V’?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there’s a ‘C’, an ‘H’, the first ‘E’, then a ‘V’, followed by ‘R’, ‘O’, ‘L’ …"
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That’s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that’s the panel I’m talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy– Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What’s wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that’s what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I’m sorry, sir, but it’s your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in ‘D’ and press the accelerator pedal. That’s exactly what I did –now the damn thing’s crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator’s manual before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn’t work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn’t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn’t crash?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh! How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It’s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don’t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won’t crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission,cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
Home is where you hang your @
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C: is the root of all directories.
Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don’t byte off more than you can view.
FAX is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
In Gates we trust.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There’s no place like <http://www.home.com/>
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Speed thrills.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t
bother you for weeks.
On Saturday, the phone guy and the cable guy redid the lines to my new house. The cable’s working fine, but the phone still needs to be worked on–apparently at the central office. But I cleaned out the shed at the back of the house, and got some of the linoleum off the living room floor, and vacuumed and dusted the upstairs. I weeded some in the front of the house. Moved the TV and some small furniture, and a box of glassware. Sunday, I painted another coat on the dining room floor and moved some more stuff. Packed my CDs and liquor. Saw The Count of Monte Cristo on television, and decided that I’d paint a pattern on the floors. Don’t know what yet; I’ll do it after I move.
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn’t come in different colors with little "M"’s on them.
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Active Socially:
Drinks heavily.
Alert To Company Developments:
An office gossip.
Approaches Difficult Problems With Logic:
Finds someone else to do the job.
Average:
Not too bright.
Character Above Reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.
Competent:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious And Careful:
Scared.
Consults With Supervisor Often:
Pain in the ass.
Demonstrates Qualities Of Leadership:
Has a loud voice.
Deserves Promotion:
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
Enjoys Job:
Needs more to do.
Exceptionally Well Qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses Self Well:
Can string two sentences together.
Gets Along Extremely Well With Superiors And Subordinates Alike:
A coward.
Happy:
Paid too much.
Hard Worker:
Usually does it the hard way.
Indifferent To Instruction:
Knows more than superiors.
Is Unusually Loyal:
Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement Is Usually Sound:
Lucky.
A Keen Analyst:
Thoroughly confused.
Keen Sense Of Humor:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Maintains Professional Attitude:
A snob.
Meticulous In Attention To Detail:
A nitpicker.
Not A Desk Person:
Did not go to college.
Of Great Value To The Organization:
Turns in work on time.
Quick Thinking:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires Work-Value Attitudinal Readjustment:
Lazy and hard-headed.
Should Go Far:
Please.
Slightly Below Average:
Stupid.
Spends Extra Hours On The Job:
Miserable home life.
Stern Disciplinarian:
A real jerk.
Strong Adherence To Principles:
Stubborn.
Tactful In Dealing With Superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes Pride In Work:
Conceited.
Takes Advantage Of Every Opportunity To Progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.
Unlimited Potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses Resources Well:
Delegates everything.
Uses Time Effectively:
Clock watcher.
Very Creative:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Well Organized:
Does too much busywork.
Will Go Far:
Relative of management.
Zealous Attitude:
Opinionated.