This was actually posted as a joke very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) – and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas, now a part of Boeing, is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft.)
A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky roommate to go out and celebrate with him. His roommate didn’t feel like going out, because he wanted to stay at home and bake cookies from a Neiman-Marcus recipe that someone had paid $250 for and had forwarded to every person in America over the Internet.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. –Conan O’Brien
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. –Christopher Case
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. –Sue Murphy
I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. – Johnathan Katz
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. – Jeff Stilson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not? If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. – Douglas Adams
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ –Richard Jeni
I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. – Jack Mayberry
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. – Rita Rudner
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. –Dennis Miller
I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister’s house and ask her for money. –Kevin Meaney
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! – Bobcat Goldthwait
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. – Dick Cavett
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? – Warren Hutcherson
Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip. – John Hiatt
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ –Paula Poundstone
Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. – Jerry Seinfeld
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. – Bob Ettinger
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. –Dennis Miller
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. – Paul Rodriguez
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’ –Jerry Seinfeld
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? –Marilyn Pittman
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? – Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. – Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner .. – Lynda Montgomery
Writing is nature’s way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is. – Bob Mugele
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.
He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day — how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don’t know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What’s wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
p class=”author”>Author Unknown
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It’s a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please………" On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was…well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…"
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald’s Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids’ candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What’s sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover’s Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old–who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
"Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?"
was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhh, it’s cute.
Why don’t we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no… a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won’t take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.
A farmer had three lovely daughters that he never allowed to date. The girls were beginning to worry that if they didn’t get the opportunity to date soon, they would all end up old spinsters.
So after all three repeatedly begged the farmer to be allowed to date, he said, " OK girls, you win! I will let you go out on a date this Saturday. But these have to be nice young men, who will behave like gentlemen."
The girls said, "Oh, thank you papa, they will all be very nice boys."
So Saturday night finally comes around, and at 7:30 there’s a knock at the door.
The farmer opens the door on a presentable young man who says, " Hi, My name’s Eddy, I came for Betty, we’re going to eat spagetti. Is she ready?" The farmer scratched his head and called for Betty, and the couple leave.
A few minutes later there’s another knock at the door, and the farmer answers. He opens the door on another presentable young man who says, "Hi, My name’s Jer, I came for Clair, we’re going to the fair. We’re going to meet friends there!" The farmer calls for Clair and the happy couple are on their way.
A monent later there’s a third knock at the door. Again the farmer finds a presentable young man who says, "Hi, My name’s Buck!"
The Farmer shot him!