Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO

Author Unknown

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn’t come in different colors with little "M"’s on them.

and Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

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Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Author Unknown

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Active Socially:
Drinks heavily.

Alert To Company Developments:
An office gossip.

Approaches Difficult Problems With Logic:
Finds someone else to do the job.

Not too bright.

Character Above Reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.

Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious And Careful:

Consults With Supervisor Often:
Pain in the ass.

Demonstrates Qualities Of Leadership:
Has a loud voice.

Deserves Promotion:
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

Enjoys Job:
Needs more to do.

Exceptionally Well Qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses Self Well:
Can string two sentences together.

Gets Along Extremely Well With Superiors And Subordinates Alike:
A coward.

Paid too much.

Hard Worker:
Usually does it the hard way.

Indifferent To Instruction:
Knows more than superiors.

Is Unusually Loyal:
Wanted by no-one else.

Judgement Is Usually Sound:

A Keen Analyst:
Thoroughly confused.

Keen Sense Of Humor:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Maintains Professional Attitude:
A snob.

Meticulous In Attention To Detail:
A nitpicker.

Not A Desk Person:
Did not go to college.

Of Great Value To The Organization:
Turns in work on time.

Quick Thinking:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires Work-Value Attitudinal Readjustment:
Lazy and hard-headed.

Should Go Far:

Slightly Below Average:

Spends Extra Hours On The Job:
Miserable home life.

Stern Disciplinarian:
A real jerk.

Strong Adherence To Principles:

Tactful In Dealing With Superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes Pride In Work:

Takes Advantage Of Every Opportunity To Progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.

Unlimited Potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses Resources Well:
Delegates everything.

Uses Time Effectively:
Clock watcher.

Very Creative:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Well Organized:
Does too much busywork.

Will Go Far:
Relative of management.

Zealous Attitude:

Continue ReadingDictionary of Evaluation Comments

Job Advertisment Glossary

Author Unknown

If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

We have no time to train you.

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

We have no quality control.

We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

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Customer "Support" At A Phone Company

From: Jay Sekora

I work in Boston, Massachusetts. A co-worker just told me this true story that happened to him this morning. He had a dispute about a phone-card bill for long distance service from his long-distance carrier, which we shall refer to by the three-letter acronym TLA to protect the guilty. Towards the end of his very long and unproductive call he was starting to get exasperated, and the following (paraphrased) exchange ensued.

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Travel Agent Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents…

A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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The Bricklayer’s Accident Report

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer’s report:

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

Continue ReadingThe Bricklayer’s Accident Report

12 Signs You’re Suffering From Work Burnout

Author Unknown

  1. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
  2. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
  3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
  4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
  5. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.
  6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
  7. You sleep more at work than at home.
  8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
  9. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
  10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
  11. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
  12. You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know your cellphone will go off before your alarm does.
Continue Reading12 Signs You’re Suffering From Work Burnout

Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative

If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Read the benefits when businesses choose to outsource HR for small businesses in the UK. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment. Please view the site disclaimer.

Will my health plan provide clean needles for my heroin habit?

If I die, do I have to show up at work to claim my life insurance money or will it be mailed to me?

A man injures his lower extremities with a cheese grater that has the company logo on it. Should he call an ambulance or the firm’s legal department first?

OK so I rent a car and contract an STD from a lady of the night — who’s health insurance pays for my treatment — Alamo’s, my own, or Candy’s pimp’s?

If I contract Ebola, can I work remotely?

If I feel emotionally scarred from listening to Puff Daddy records can I call the Employee Assistance Hotline? Can I reach you at that 1-800 number after hours?

What does 401K stand for?

If I run a 4 K 100 times in a year, will I qualify for a 401 K?

What if I eat 401 boxes of “Special K”?

(Stated loudly, whilst shaking head vigorously) Hmmmm… I don’t like the sound of “being vested”. Noooo sir-eee.

If I am adopted, is it me or my host family that gets the free paid vacation under the Family Medical Leave Act? If it’s me then I’d like to pick Hawaii, please.

If I am accidentally disabled at the dentist’s office whilst on paid personal sick leave on a religious holiday, what form do I need to fill out?

Metallica are rock gods. (insert air guitar gesture here) Can I take a religious holiday when they’re in town next Thursday?

Who is this “Certain Criterion” that I need to meet? Is she hot?

Will my pet hamster “Raggot” qualify as a dependant?

How about the voices in my head?

How about the little man who lives in my stomach?

“Well, THESE might qualify.” (reach into trousers)

Can a floating holiday be attributed to acid? What if I live on a house boat or rent “House Boat” the movie with Sophia Loren and Jimmy Stewart — can that be considered a floating holiday?

Do I have to work during the Apocalypse or Armageddon?

If I am unproductive because I have been reproductive, can I be compensated for the work I would have performed?

Can I get a personal paid absence for being a stunt man in “Mr. Holland’s Opus”?

If I am dismembered in a forest and no one is there to see or hear it, will I qualify for coverage?

Does the break up of Menudo qualify as a life changing event? How about Selena’s death?

Is “sleepy” considered a long or short-term disability?<

Can I put anything besides money into my 401K? Like German bearer bonds, gold bullion, or Krugerrands for example?

Can I use sick leave if I am sick of work? Or sick of my boss? Actually, I feel a little sick right now. May I be excused?

Do genital enlargement surgeries get coverage? (act disappointed upon hearing answer) Could you please explain why not?! (raise voice)

Is there any way to realize my resource allocation management potential whilst leveraging my leadership achievement matrix?

What happens if my Qualifying Domestic Partner has a Qualifying Life Event?

What if my Qualifying Domestic Partner (QDP) gives me a Short Term Disability (STD)?

How do I increase the size of my paycheck? Can I do this online?

And finally…

“Yes, uh, if I quit the firm, do I still get paid? Why not?”

Continue ReadingFun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative