The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

Author Unknown

20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don’t Use Computers…

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

How Does a Chicken Cross the Road?

Author Unknown

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken:
It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …

C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken:
Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road
in your pocket !

Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken:
Don’t you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it’s finished, assuming he’s re-elected and the Republicans don’t gut the program.

COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING