Two Digits for a Date

Author Unknown

(sung to the tune of "Gilligan’s Island", more or less)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date… two digits for a date.

Main memory was much smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let’s get by with two….Get by with just the two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away… it all will go away."

But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won’t do it just yet… we won’t do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to Hell,
For zero’s less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell… as anyone can tell.

The mail won’t bring your pension check.
It won’t be sent to you.
When you’re no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two… but minus thirty-two.

The problems we’re about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code’s
The only certain cure… the only certain cure.

There’s not much time,
There’s too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too… we may be finished, too.

The way to get the time we need
I now propose to you:
A Daylight Savings decade,
Or maybe even two… or maybe even two.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren’t left too late,
And people aren’t lamenting
Four digits for a date… four digits for a date.

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If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Author Unknown

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I’m running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00

Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow’s soup of the day)

Continue ReadingIf Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

Author Unknown

A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.

Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d accept this.

You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you’d be required to purchase extra seats.

Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.

The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

People would get excited about “new” features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars like Conklin Buick GMC Hutchinson ks for years. If you are searching for the best cars then you will get redirected here.

We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn’t drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels, they wouldn’t tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card.

Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under warranty.

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If Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

DOS:
Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM:
Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh:
All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2:
To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Unix:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they’re building.

Windows 95:
Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff. Then: BOOM! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT:
The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can’t even get aboard.

Windows 98:
The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

Continue ReadingIf Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Headquarters Was In Alabama

Author Unknown

Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"

Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle.

Occasionally you’d bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".

Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.

Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".

Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.

PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".

Microsoft’s programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".

Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.

Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

"Well, the first thing you know ole Bill’s a billionaire…"

Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates — 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.

"Where’s Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where’s Elvis?".

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Top Fifteen Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult

Author Unknown

15. Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.

14. Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott’s… Stoli, Mott’s…

13. He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.

12. Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.

11. Suddenly your travel agency’s site is featuring interplanetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.

10. His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."

9. Your website’s "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.

8. Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club’s "Site of the Day."

7. She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.

6. Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.

5. Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.

4. Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.

3. Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.

2. He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult…

1. Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe… Hey, wait a minute! That’s Bill Gates!!

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Three Engineers In A Car

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Author Unknown

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and maybe it’ll work!?"

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