jokes

My Past Falwell Greatest Hits

Joke posts about Falwell I posted in the past that are getting traffic now that he’s died. No guarantees on the quality of the jokes…

The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky

5 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay

The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV

And while we’re at it, some of Jerry’s Actual Greatest Hits—quotes from the man himself.

“AIDS is God’s punishment to gays.” – Jerry Falwell

“If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.”

“I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won’t have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!”

“Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.”

“There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.”

“AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh’s charioteers.”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.”

“The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America’s free enterprise system and our economic stability.”

“(9/11 is the result of) throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad…I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America…I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen.”

“The idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.”

“It appears that America’s anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men’s movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.”

“When lawlessness is abroad in the land, the same thing will happen here that happened in Nazi Germany. Many of those people involved in Adolph Hitler were Satanists. Many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together.” – 700 Club, 1-21-93
“You know, one of the great misnomers in our society is the term `gay.’ That somebody who is involved in something that is leading to suicide, where the V.D. rate is 11 times that of others, which are almost driven and ashamed and fearful and confused and psychotic and all the others that we read about plaguing this part of our society. The term gay is the most serious misuse of the English language. They’re not gay, they’re very, very depressed and miserable.” – 700 Club, 5-6-82

“When you see the rise of blatant open homosexuality and lesbianism, what you also know is God has given a society up…and we’re at the mercy of the elements, the mercy of war, the mercy of economic disaster.” – 700 Club, 4-26-93

“The radical left is doing everything they can to destroy the moral fiber of America. They want to do away with the family. I am absolutely persuaded one of the reasons so many lesbians are at the forefront of the pro-choice movement is because being a mother is the unique characteristic of womanhood, and these lesbians will never be mothers naturally, so they don’t want anybody else to have that privilege either.” – 700 Club, 5-18-93

“[Vice President Gore] recently praised the lesbian actress who plays ‘Ellen’ on ABC Television…I believe he may even put children, young people, and adults in danger by his public endorsement of deviant homosexual behavior…Our elected leaders are attempting to glorify and legitimize perversion.” People for the American Way, “Hostile Climate”, 1998

Continue ReadingMy Past Falwell Greatest Hits

Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped

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20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…

 3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

 2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

 1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

Continue ReadingWays To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped

Say what now?

Alternate meanings for common words.

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn’-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol’\:
A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips’\:
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

>Heroes \hee’-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left’ bangk’\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis’-tee\:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par’-u-doks\:
Two physicians.

Parasites \par’-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po’-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.

Primate \pri’-mat\:
Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef’\:
What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub’-er-nek\:
What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem’-stres\:
Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel’-fish\:
What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood’\:
Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood’-a-fed\:
Bringing litigation against a government official.

Continue ReadingSay what now?

Queer Quotes

1. Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, “Who’d you call a faggot?” — Jon Stewart

2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. –Lorne Bloch

3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. –From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran

4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision. –Lynn Lavner

5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I’m giving them my share. –Rita Mae Brown

6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. –Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

7. You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. –Barry Goldwater

8. If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.” –Robin Tyler

9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? –Ernest Gaines

10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? –The Value of Families

11. I’d rather be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother. –Charles Pierce, 1980

12. That word “lesbian” sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they’re sure that they’re the cure. –Denise McCanles

13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. –Anita Bryant, 1977

14. If gays are granted rights, next we’ll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. –Anita Bryant

15. The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. –Dennis Miller

16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won’t be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. –Judy Carter

17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. –W. Somerset Maugham

18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t. –Author Unknown

19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, “all my Homosexual patients are quite sick” – to which I finally replied “so are all my heterosexual patients.” –Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. –Andrew G. Dehel

21. If male homosexuals are called “gay,” then female homosexuals should be called “ecstatic.” –Shelly Roberts

22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. –Amanda Bearse

23. Some women can’t say the word Lesbian…even when their mouth is full of one. –Kate Clinton

24. No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. –Author Unknown

25. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It’s like disapproving of rain. –Francis Maude

26. The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody. –Rita Mae Brown

27. ‘You could move.’ –Abigail Van Buren, “Dear Abby,” in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood

Continue ReadingQueer Quotes

Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding

1. On the day of a gay wedding, it’s bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.

2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.

3. It’s customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.

4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it’s all carbs.

5. It’s considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.

6. During the first dance, it’s considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.

7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.

8. The father of the Bottom pays for everything!

Continue ReadingEtiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding

The Notorious Al-Gebra Movement

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means of extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

Continue ReadingThe Notorious Al-Gebra Movement

Elementary, Dear Watson

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:

"Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Continue ReadingElementary, Dear Watson

Valentines Day Quotes

In Your Dreams
In Your Dreams

"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
— Dorothy Parker

"Women are cursed, and men are the proof."
— Rosanne Barr

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base."
— Dave Barry

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them."
— Emo Philips

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My Favorite Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time, in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap
and said: "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will
turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yonder castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so." That night, as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed froglegs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don’t fucking think so."

Continue ReadingMy Favorite Fairy Tale

Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book

From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists:

10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself”
9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years”
8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up”
7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake”
6. “At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan”
5. “The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?”
4. “A Look at the Governor’s Balls”
3. “Politicians Who Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth”
2. “How to Push Through a Bill – Or a Steve or a Larry…”
1. “Why I Don’t Like Bush”

Continue ReadingChapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book