Parent’s Dictionary
Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
One-Liners From Your Favorite Comics
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. –Conan O’Brien
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. –Christopher Case
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. –Sue Murphy
I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. – Johnathan Katz
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. – Jeff Stilson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not? If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. – Douglas Adams
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ –Richard Jeni
I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. – Jack Mayberry
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. – Rita Rudner
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. –Dennis Miller
I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister’s house and ask her for money. –Kevin Meaney
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! – Bobcat Goldthwait
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. – Dick Cavett
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? – Warren Hutcherson
Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip. – John Hiatt
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ –Paula Poundstone
Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. – Jerry Seinfeld
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. – Bob Ettinger
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. –Dennis Miller
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. – Paul Rodriguez
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’ –Jerry Seinfeld
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? –Marilyn Pittman
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? – Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. – Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner .. – Lynda Montgomery
Writing is nature’s way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is. – Bob Mugele
The Bet
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.
He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day — how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don’t know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What’s wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
The Importance of Correct Punctuation
p class=”author”>Author Unknown
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
God Was Just About Done Creating The Universe…
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It’s a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please………" On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was…well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…"
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald’s Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids’ candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What’s sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover’s Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
A Little Kiss
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old–who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking,
"Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled,
asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,
was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear,
was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
Business Horoscopes
What your business degree really says about you…
MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that "Geeks shall inherit the Earth."
ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your"carpal tunnel syndrome."
ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above – Same sign, different title.)
CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing Your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market
PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.
GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term "GO POSTAL."
Computer Definitions
404:
Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."
486:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or workgroup. "Ask Mark, he’s the alpha geek."
Betamaxed:
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"
Blowing Your Buffer:
Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Bookmark:
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
CGI Joe:
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the societal skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chip Jewelry:
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that 6100/66, and now it’s nothing by chip jewelry."
Chips and Salsa:
Chips=3D hardware, salsa=3D software, i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa."
Cobweb Site:
A Web site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
Crapplet:
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!"
Dead Tree Edition:
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…"
Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Dropped carrier:
Losing contact/ignoring a person. Example: "I think you’re a doofus!" "That’s okay, I dropped your carrier hours ago!"
Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ("I spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.")
Ego Surfing:
Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
G3:
Apple’s new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Graybar Land:
The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
GUI:
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
I/O Error
Ignorant Operator. Used by tech support in attributing problems not necessarily caused by the computer. Takeoff on Input/Output error.
It’s a Feature:
From the adage "It’s not a bug, it’s a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
JIP (Jargon Interface Protocol): When someone knows the technical meaning of acronyms such as http, tcp/ip, csu/dsu, etc. Example: They’re plugged into the JIP.
Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.
Keyboard Plaque:
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Legacy Media:
The traditional media, such as radio and television, but particularly newspapers. Term can describe Web sites that conform to traditional newspaper standards.
Link Rot:
The process by which links on a Web page become obsolete as they sites they’re connected to change location or die.
Meatspace:
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL."
Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Mouse Potato:
The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.
Nyetscape:
Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Obsolete:
Any computer you own.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.
Plug and Play:
A new hire who doesn’t need any training. "The new guy John is great. He’s totally plug-and-play."
Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
Silliwood:
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV, and computers, also "hollywired."
Square headed boy/girlfriend:
Your computer.
State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can’t afford.
Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Treeware:
Manuals and documentation.
Under Mouse Arrest:
Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re- boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
World-Wide Wait:
The real meaning of WWW.
My Family Christmas Letter – 1999
My cousin Sarah wrote her family’s Christmas letter this year, which I just got in the mail. If I’d written the Christmas letter for my family, it probably would have gone something like this:
This year was pretty amazing for the Mineart family — no one flunked out of school, or got thrown in jail, divorced or held up at gunpoint. Stacy found a dead guy on her doorstep one morning when leaving for school, but it turned out he was a resident in her building and he just died of old age, so it was all okay.
In addition, practically everyone in the family who isn’t already married got engaged in the past year, which just goes to prove two things: we can be a charming bunch when we have to be, and there’s a sucker born every minute.
No one went broke this year, and as usual, Dad made a big pile of cash, but there’s nothing new about that. He bought ANOTHER Corvette, which I think is just about enough for any one guy. I mean really, you can only drive one car at a time. (Kidding, Dad.) Stacy and Scott both finally graduated from college, and Riley went to kindergarten that was set up by Ivy Kids Franchise, which means, folks, that we are getting OLD.
Mom got a big dog and an invisible fence, and Todd and Denise got a second cat. My fish died.
I think Dad and Carol went to Australia, because I got this cool aboriginal art thingy for Christmas, and all the boys got boomerangs. I’ll bet it was a swell trip.
Stacy went to England for about the bajillionth time, but this time is different because she actually conned them into letting her stay there permanently by getting engaged to Roger. Those English don’t know what they’re in for. Then Stacy ruined the whole thing by actually giving us her address and telephone number, which means we can go over and visit her, which defeats the purpose of her leaving the country to get the heck away from us.
My only trip this year was to Chicago, but I had fun and I did get to see all those cows on the Miracle Mile.
Paul ran in the mini-marathon, and Gary’s still swimming. I actually played volleyball all summer. Seriously, I did.
I worked on my webpage constantly, but Scott hasn’t touched his in ages, and I’m thinking of turning it in to the “Cobweb Sites of the Month” website and see if it wins an award. Dude, get to work.
Nobody was in any musicals or anything, but that’s probably good, because I’m the only one who can carry a tune, and that’s after years of practice.
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