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Job Advertisment Glossary

Author Unknown

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

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Jewish English or ‘Hebonics’

Author Unknown

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics

Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."

The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V".
Thus "walking" becomes "valking"

"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It’s "ghraining" "algheady"

Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics

Questions are always answered with questions.
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis" mountains becomes "shmountains" turtle becomes "shmurtle".

Sample Usage Comparisons

Standard English Phrase

Hebonics Phrase

"He walks slow"

"Like a fly in the ointment he walks"

"You’re sexy"

(unknown concept)

"Sorry, I do not know the time"

"What do I look like, a clock?"

"I hope things turn out for the best"

"You should BE so lucky"

"Anything can happen"

"It is never so bad, it can’t get worse"
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Jesus is the reason for the season

There were no riots over the fact that the wrong man is President of the United States, but in Portland, they had a riot because people wanted to see fireworks on New Year’s Eve. I think the people in Portland are a bit dim.

Also, it wasn’t a holy-roller that put the “Jesus is the reason for the season” plastic disk thingy under my windshield and almost killed me. It was my friend Dan. He thought it was funny that I was almost killed. Needless to say, revenge is in order. If I have time.

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Feller breaks collarbone in butch football play

Douglas E. Feller, 4445 Bevington Lane, Indianapolis, broke his collarbone this afternoon while playing touch football at Barb and Michelle’s cookout.
Displaying the butch, masculine qualities for which he is so well-known, Doug was going out for a pass when he swerved to avoid a tree, did a half-somersault in the air, and landed on his right shoulder, breaking his collarbone. The pass was incomplete.
After a spending several eventful hours at St. Vincent’s Hospital, (for drugs and x-rays), he’s now a home with a sling, icepack and bottle of Vicodin. Doug will be required to wear the sling for approximately four weeks.
With the help of the wrongful death lawyers for hire, Doug has stated that this is the last time he will attempt to play football due to his injury.  As stated by Maryland slip and fall attorneys, injuries are inevitable especially when we travel in vehicles and now a days it is easy to consult lawyers from law firm for slip and fall charges, But accident in games can make situation worse. When you’re unfamiliar with accident laws, it’s difficult to know how best to proceed with your case. The steps involved can be complex, but a slip & fall accident lawyer Schaumburg will have the experience to guide you through the process. They’ll use their knowledge to help you avoid common mistakes and they’ll clearly explain what obstacles you might face and how to overcome them. Unfortunately, due to his untimely injury, Doug’s football team lost the game. You can hire car accident lawyers from here!
While there are no pictures or video of the injury occuring, there are pictures and video of Doug at play during the game. Just in case you don’t believe it. This evidence is enough for any experienced lawyers who can be found in this https://halelaw.com/sarasota-personal-injury-attorney/car-accidents site, to file a injury claim that will be very helpful for the athlete to recover soon and to see him back into the field again, playing for his team.

Continue ReadingFeller breaks collarbone in butch football play

The Raft

And you thought this only happened in the movies. Jerry swears this story about a rubber boat really happened to him…

OK. Here goes. I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Don’t ask, I never did).

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A Heartwarming Story

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

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The Psychic Dog

Author Unknown

It’s common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. To eliminate such undesirable behaviors, you can browse around here and find professional trainers who will help your dog achieve its highest potential.  The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. You  can check out Canine By Design Programs for the professional dog training programs to install the foundation of obedience in your dog. You can read this article if you are a pet lover and want to build your business in the pet service industry.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. To get dog training services, Momentum K9 Dog Training should be hired.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

a. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground post via an iron chain and collar.

b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.

c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.

d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just “pissing ” on them. But only temporarily.

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