10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

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1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love ("The Way We Were," "Titanic," most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls "meeting cute" – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.

2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boomboxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to "Say Anything." In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.

3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued ("A Very Special Favor," "Three to Tango"). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?

4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You ("Bedrooms and Hallways," "Claire of the Moon," almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.

5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny ("The Graduate," "The Tao of Steve"). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.

6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality ("Frankie and Johnny," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.

7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun ("Pretty Woman," "Working Girl"). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.

8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them "What It Means to Be a Woman" ("Woman of the Year," "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hardbody. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.

9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work ("Love With the Proper Stranger," "An Officer and a Gentleman," "love jones"). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.

10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment ("The Way We Were," "Now, Voyager," "Casablanca"). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly.

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Drag Queen Names

Joe of Joe.My.God called for submissions of his reader’s favorite drag queen names… and the answers are truly hysterical.

Ophelia Pain
Hannah Kronistik
Summer Clearance
Carlotta Tendant
Rita Book
Bridget of Madison County
Anna Nutherthing
Iona Trailer
Julie Meewunday
Hilda Klime
Tara Fying
Patty O’Furniture
Frieda Peoples
Aleekie Roof… named after her mother, Aleekie Tubb
Sarah Belle Palsey
Leta Horticulture

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More Things I Learned From The Movies

Signals

If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:

beep-beep-be-beep… "Help…"
be-be-beep beep… "Us…."
beep-be-be-beep beep… "We’re…"
beep beep-be-beep… "Surrounded…"
be-beep beep beep… "Send…"
be-be-be-beep beep… "Reinforcements…"
beep be-beep beep… "Hurry…" etc.

A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.

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Things I Learned From Movies

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

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Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From 1980s Horror Movies

David Speakman

With the fast-approaching Halloween season here are some helpful hints:

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house — move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other place of the dead.

If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

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Three Irish Brothers

Author Unknown

St. Patrick's DayAn Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what’ll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine–I just quit drinking."

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Sports Teams with Funny Names

I got a bunch of questions about why I posted all these sports teams… um, because their names are funny. See? Appleknockers! That’s a real team name! Ha! Funny! Okay, maybe it’s just me. But my cousins went to a school where the team name is “The Maroons.” You can guess how some people pronounced that.

The Hoopeston Cornjerkers

The Freeport Pretzels

Butte Pirates

The Effingham Flaming Hearts

Fisher Bunnies

Kaukauna Galloping Ghosts

The Cobden Appleknockers

Appleton West Terrors vs. Appleton East Patriots

Yuma High School Criminals

Blue Hens, University of Delaware

Hickman Kewpies

Union Laguna Cotton Pickers

Lewisville Texas Fighting Farmers

Tillamook Cheesemakers

ALTONA MAROONS

Scottsdale (Arizona) Community College Fighting Artichoke

Topeka’s Seaman High School vs. The Topeka High Trojans

Richland High School Bombers

Watersmeet High School Nimrods

William College Ephs (Purple Cows)

UCSC Banana Slugs

Poca High School Dots

Chinook High School Sugar Beeters

Winters High School Blizzards

Rhinelander High School Hodags

Virginia Tech Hokies

Washburn University Ichabods

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One-Liners From Your Favorite Comics

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. –Conan O’Brien

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. –Christopher Case

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. –Sue Murphy

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. – Johnathan Katz

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. – Jeff Stilson

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not? If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. – Douglas Adams

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ –Richard Jeni

I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. – Jack Mayberry

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. – Rita Rudner

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. –Dennis Miller

I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister’s house and ask her for money. –Kevin Meaney

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! – Bobcat Goldthwait

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. – Dick Cavett

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? – Warren Hutcherson

Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip. – John Hiatt

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ –Paula Poundstone

Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. – Jerry Seinfeld

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. – Bob Ettinger

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. –Dennis Miller

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. – Paul Rodriguez

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’ –Jerry Seinfeld

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? –Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? – Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. – Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner .. – Lynda Montgomery

Writing is nature’s way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is. – Bob Mugele

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Top 12 Sexual Lines in Star Wars

1. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.

2. Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!

3. Look at the size of that thing!

4. Sorry about the mess…

5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.

6. Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?

7. You’ve got something jammed in here real good.

8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!

9. Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?

10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care WHAT you smell!

11. You’re all clear, kid. Now let’s blow this thing and go home!

12. Get on top of it!

And Top 11 Sexual Lines in The Empire Strikes Back:

1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!

2. Possible he came in through the south entrance.

3. I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?

4. Hurry up, golden rod…

5. That’s OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.

6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…

7. Control, control…You must learn control!

8. There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.

9. Size matters not…judge me by my size do you?

10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!

11. Would it help if I got out and pushed?

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English Subtitles

From Harper’s Magazine July issue

From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

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