funny lists

Thoughts From The Workplace…

Author Unknown

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Continue ReadingThoughts From The Workplace…

Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

author unknown

11. No one ever steals your chair.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

4. "I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in mypants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00.

Continue ReadingTop 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

Who Should Be The Manager

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  • Post category:Work Jokes

Author Unknown

The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".

The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".

The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager".

The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager".

And so it went on – the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.

Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.

The moral of this story is: "You don’t have to be a brain to be a manager – just an asshole!"

Continue ReadingWho Should Be The Manager

12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Author Unknown

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it’s really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. ( Or psycho in some of our cases…)
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the new Navigator (Substitute vehicle here.. ).
  12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Continue Reading12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Business Horoscopes

author unknown

What your business degree really says about you…

MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that "Geeks shall inherit the Earth."

ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your"carpal tunnel syndrome."

ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above – Same sign, different title.)

CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing Your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term "GO POSTAL."

Continue ReadingBusiness Horoscopes

Computer Definitions

Author Unknown

404:
Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

486:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or workgroup. "Ask Mark, he’s the alpha geek."

Betamaxed:
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

Blowing Your Buffer:
Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Bookmark:
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

CGI Joe:
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the societal skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chip Jewelry:
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that 6100/66, and now it’s nothing by chip jewelry."

Chips and Salsa:
Chips=3D hardware, salsa=3D software, i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa."

Cobweb Site:
A Web site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

Crapplet:
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!"

Dead Tree Edition:
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…"

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Dropped carrier:
Losing contact/ignoring a person. Example: "I think you’re a doofus!" "That’s okay, I dropped your carrier hours ago!"

Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ("I spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.")

Ego Surfing:
Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

G3:
Apple’s new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Graybar Land:
The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

GUI:
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

I/O Error
Ignorant Operator. Used by tech support in attributing problems not necessarily caused by the computer. Takeoff on Input/Output error.

It’s a Feature:
From the adage "It’s not a bug, it’s a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

JIP (Jargon Interface Protocol): When someone knows the technical meaning of acronyms such as http, tcp/ip, csu/dsu, etc. Example: They’re plugged into the JIP.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Keyboard Plaque:
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Legacy Media:
The traditional media, such as radio and television, but particularly newspapers. Term can describe Web sites that conform to traditional newspaper standards.

Link Rot:
The process by which links on a Web page become obsolete as they sites they’re connected to change location or die.

Meatspace:
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL."

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Mouse Potato:
The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Nyetscape:
Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

Plug and Play:
A new hire who doesn’t need any training. "The new guy John is great. He’s totally plug-and-play."

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

Silliwood:
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV, and computers, also "hollywired."

Square headed boy/girlfriend:
Your computer.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can’t afford.

Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Treeware:
Manuals and documentation.

Under Mouse Arrest:
Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re- boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

World-Wide Wait:
The real meaning of WWW.

Continue ReadingComputer Definitions

Three Proofs That Jesus Was…

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his father’s business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1.His first name was Jesus
2.He was always in trouble with the law
3.His mother did not know who his father was

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

Continue ReadingThree Proofs That Jesus Was…

The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that:

665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 – Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 – Beast Common Denominator

666 ^ (-1) = Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 – Binary of the Beast

1-666 – Area code of the Beast

00666 – Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

6, uh… what was that number again? – Number of the Blonde Beast

$665.95 – Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 – K-mart price of the Beast

$646.66 – Next week’s K-mart price of the Beast

6.66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.

DSM-666 – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

Route 666 – Highway of the Beast

666i – BMW of the Beast

666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k – Retirement plan of the Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 – Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 – Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 – CPU of the Beast

668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

Continue ReadingThe Numbers of the Beast

Church Humor…

Author Unknown

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won’t have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means – ‘Tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks!’"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn’t know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Continue ReadingChurch Humor…

Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown

He had only one major publication.

It was in Hebrew.

It had no references.

It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

Some say he had his son teach the class.

He expelled his first two students for learning.

Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Continue ReadingWhy God Never Received a Ph.D.