Joe of Joe.My.God called for submissions of his reader’s favorite drag queen names… and the answers are truly hysterical.
Ophelia Pain
Hannah Kronistik
Summer Clearance
Carlotta Tendant
Rita Book
Bridget of Madison County
Anna Nutherthing
Iona Trailer
Julie Meewunday
Hilda Klime
Tara Fying
Patty O’Furniture
Frieda Peoples
Aleekie Roof… named after her mother, Aleekie Tubb
Sarah Belle Palsey
Leta Horticulture
If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:
beep-beep-be-beep… "Help…"
be-be-beep beep… "Us…."
beep-be-be-beep beep… "We’re…"
beep beep-be-beep… "Surrounded…"
be-beep beep beep… "Send…"
be-be-be-beep beep… "Reinforcements…"
beep be-beep beep… "Hurry…" etc.
A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
With the fast-approaching Halloween season here are some helpful hints:
When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house — move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other place of the dead.
If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what’ll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine–I just quit drinking."
I got a bunch of questions about why I posted all these sports teams… um, because their names are funny. See? Appleknockers! That’s a real team name! Ha! Funny! Okay, maybe it’s just me. But my cousins went to a school where the team name is “The Maroons.” You can guess how some people pronounced that.
Appleton West Terrors vs. Appleton East Patriots
Blue Hens, University of Delaware
Lewisville Texas Fighting Farmers
Scottsdale (Arizona) Community College Fighting Artichoke
Topeka’s Seaman High School vs. The Topeka High Trojans
Watersmeet High School Nimrods
William College Ephs (Purple Cows)
Chinook High School Sugar Beeters
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. –Conan O’Brien
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. –Christopher Case
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. –Sue Murphy
I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. – Johnathan Katz
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. – Jeff Stilson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not? If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. – Douglas Adams
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ –Richard Jeni
I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. – Jack Mayberry
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. – Rita Rudner
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. –Dennis Miller
I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister’s house and ask her for money. –Kevin Meaney
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! – Bobcat Goldthwait
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. – Dick Cavett
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? – Warren Hutcherson
Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip. – John Hiatt
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ –Paula Poundstone
Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. – Jerry Seinfeld
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. – Bob Ettinger
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. –Dennis Miller
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. – Paul Rodriguez
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’ –Jerry Seinfeld
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? –Marilyn Pittman
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? – Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. – Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner .. – Lynda Montgomery
Writing is nature’s way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is. – Bob Mugele
1. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.
2. Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!
3. Look at the size of that thing!
4. Sorry about the mess…
5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.
6. Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?
7. You’ve got something jammed in here real good.
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!
9. Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care WHAT you smell!
11. You’re all clear, kid. Now let’s blow this thing and go home!
12. Get on top of it!
1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
2. Possible he came in through the south entrance.
3. I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?
4. Hurry up, golden rod…
5. That’s OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.
6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…
7. Control, control…You must learn control!
8. There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.
9. Size matters not…judge me by my size do you?
10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!
11. Would it help if I got out and pushed?
From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside.
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicatment before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident — I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
If you have any other tidbits of advice for me to follow, please e-mail me.