My brother Todd had a ton of the Choose Your Own Adventure novels (the early version of video games). Check out Something Awful’s photoshop contest for “Rejected CYOA Books.”
My favorites are “Don’t Bother, You Die In Most of the Endings Anyway” and “Everyone Wants to Touch My Giant Snake and Jewels.”
Also: “Shrödinger’s Cat. Choose from 2 possible endings.”
Heavy Words Lightly Thrown: The Reason Behind the Rhyme
by Chris Roberts examines the history behind children’s nursery rhymes. Most children’s rhymes came from adult songs and poems that were handed down and altered over centuries, and most were expurgated for childrens ears in the Victorian age. Roberts traces many of them further back and examines various theories of their origins. Hearing the unexpurgated versions is interesting, and the book is an entertaining read, but is a bit light on sources and a bit long on speculation, with a few too many off-topic asides. Many of his explanations make sense, but a few too many of them seem to have the same set of explanations, or no clear reason why one theory would be preferred over another.
I finished reading the new Harry Potter book last night. Throughout the book I had a notion in my head of the answers to two of the mysteries; who the half-blood prince is, and who dies in the book (don’t yell at me about spoilers; the death is commonly known!). I was wrong on both counts, and regarding the half-blood prince, I shouldn’t have been at all. I should have guessed that one right away (and so should Harry and Hermione, frankly.)
I was so certain about both answers, though, that it colored my impression of the book, and I kept telling Stephanie all the way through that “this is my favorite of all of them!” Well when I found out the answers I was surprised, and it did change the way I feel. I was expecting a quite different ending.
I also thought there was way too much unresolved at the end of it; more so than in any of the others, and I hate that; it’s one of my pet peeves of sci-fi fantasy series novels, that they don’t wrap everything up from one book to the next so you’re left hanging for the release of the next book. If you’re going to do that, just write one big book, instead of chunking it up into pieces. My mind is littered with the half-way points of fantasy series that I gave up on in disgust because they insisted on dragging everything out for the cash from one more mass-market paperback. (Robert Jordan, I’m talking to you!)
In the case of Harry Potter, I’ve never felt like that with any of the rest of the books, and this series doesn’t follow any other sci-fi fantasy genre clichés, either, which makes them enjoyable to read. I know that the next book is the final one, and there’s no way I would miss it.
True story, from a co-worker, today:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated.
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. " Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes. " Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, 13
"Don’t squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, 13
"Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. " Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. " Taylia,11
"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
"Don’t sneeze in front of mum when you’re eating crackers. " Mitchell,12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. " Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. " Kyoyo, 9
"You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. " Armir, 9
"Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. " Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. " Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. " Lauren, 9
"Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. " Joel,10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. " Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, 8
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute, very enlightening, and amusing.
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she will want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
"It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long a time to learn." (Leo, 7)
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary,7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
"They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
"I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when The Simpsons’ are on TV." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
"You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
"It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…. that’s why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don’t forget your wife’s name . . . that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
Dear God:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? – Lucy
Is it true my father won’t go to Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? – Anita
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it’s already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know
Ditto Tarzan
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
You probably do not want to know what that odor is
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
Plastic toys do not like ovens
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)