The online journal, notebook and playground of HFM

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

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  • Post category:GLBT Issues

The Associated Press — SAN FRANCISCO –

Opponents of gay marriage went to court Friday to stop an extraordinary act of ongoing civil disobedience in which San Francisco has issued nearly 100 marriage licenses to gay couples.

Weddings were continuing Friday and over the long holiday weekend, despite the effort by the Campaign for California Families to obtain a restraining order that would prevent the city from issuing more licenses or performing more ceremonies inside City Hall.”
“Phyllis Lyon, 79, and Dell Martin, 82, who have been together 51 years, leave San Francisco City Hall after they were married Thursday in a civil ceremony.”

Phyllis and Dell are really well-known in the lesbian community because they were founders of a lesbian organization in the early days of the gay civil rights movement, so lots of lesbians recognize them. They are wonderful role models, and there’s a documentary about them.

I imagine for them to be able to get married in city hall must be a dream come true.

Continue ReadingI Left My Heart in San Francisco

The Longest Joke in the World

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Author Unknown

You’ll never have to go farther for a cheesy punchline than in this joke… but it’s worth it.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I’m sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Continue ReadingThe Longest Joke in the World

Apple vs. Microsoft

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  • Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you’ll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money as they are). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you’ll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Continue ReadingApple vs. Microsoft

V-Day: Until the Violence Stops

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  • Post category:Politics

V-Day is a global movement to stop violence against women and girls. V-Day is a palpable energy, a fierce catalyst that promotes creative events to increase awareness, raise money, and revitalize the spirit of existing anti-violence organizations. V-Day generates broader attention for the fight to stop worldwide violence against women and girls including rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM), and sexual slavery. V-Day provides funding to create and nurture innovative programs to stop the violence.

Continue ReadingV-Day: Until the Violence Stops

Living Room progress

I’ve got all the baseboards stained, and 2/3rds of them completely finished. I just have one more coat of polyurethane to put on the last set of baseboards, then I have to install them. Then the living room is done; potentially on Saturday.
And then the migration into the room occurs. I’m already planning that. I’m very excited.

Continue ReadingLiving Room progress

Lost Liberties

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  • Post category:Politics

Salon has a massive, detailed article on the government’s efforts to spy on anti-war and anti-Bush activists under the guise of the Patriot Act. It covers in depth the scandal of government spying at Drake University (my father’s alma mater) that recently occurred, as well as accounts of other government infiltration of non-violent and anti-war protests around the country.

Continue ReadingLost Liberties

Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official. Using only 30 carefully chosen buzz words, you can woo your way through any written or oral presentation:

  Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated management options
1. total organizational flexibility
2. systematized monitored capability
3. parallel reciprocal mobility
4. functional digital programming
5. responsive logistical concept
6. optional transitional time-phase
7. synchronized incremental projection
8. compatible third-generation hardware
9. balanced policy contingency

USAGE: Randomly pick any three-digit number. Now select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, "748" produces "synchronized transitional hardware", or "839" yeilds "responsive reciprocal contingency", a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority. "No one will have any idea what you’re talking about," says Broughton, "but they’re probably not about to admit it."

Continue ReadingSystematic Buzz Phrase Projector

New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

author unknown

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon–we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Unreliability Ins. – 10.99
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – .32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Cool Air – 46.83
Misc. – 133.39

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. If people need to hire disability lawyer, they can get from here!   All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Continue ReadingNew Medical Leave and Related Company Policies