Jokes

Top 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap….and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven’t logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP’s access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem…And you succeed.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using your word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

14. Your cat has its own home page.

15. You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18. You don’t know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

20. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.shtml.

21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂

Continue ReadingTop 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

Author Unknown

A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.

Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d accept this.

You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you’d be required to purchase extra seats.

Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.

Imagine a world where car technology was as unpredictable as it was frustrating. Every time the roads were repainted, you’d find yourself needing to buy a new vehicle.

And sometimes, your car would just stop working for no reason at all, forcing you to restart it without question.

The idea of owning a car would become as much about keeping up with constant updates as it would be about the actual drive.

In this bizarre world, choosing a reliable car becomes a challenge, and that’s where a trusted used car dealership steps in.

In a world where technology seems to malfunction at the most inconvenient times, finding a dependable vehicle would feel like an impossible task.

That’s why having a trusted used car dealership, like Billingsley Ford of Ardmore, becomes essential. They offer a wide variety of pre-owned cars that have been carefully inspected to ensure quality and reliability.

No need to worry about constant updates or unexpected breakdowns – these vehicles are ready to hit the road with confidence.

With competitive rates and personalized plans, you can feel secure knowing you’re making a smart investment without the hassle of unpredictable car technology.

For those looking for dependable and high-quality vehicles, finding the right place to purchase is key.

Fortunately, dealerships like RaceAutoGroup offer supreme products from RaceAutoGroup.com that make it easier to avoid the hassle of constant repairs or upgrades.

Whether you’re seeking a car that’s reliable, affordable, or simply a great deal, choosing the right dealership can save you time, money, and unnecessary stress.

When it comes to keeping your newly purchased vehicle in top condition, automotive maintenance plays a crucial role.

Regular inspections and routine services such as oil changes, tire rotations, and brake checks are essential to ensure optimal performance and safety.

Neglecting these basic maintenance tasks can lead to unexpected issues, compromising your driving experience and potentially costing you more in repairs down the road.

Partnering with a trusted service provider like Blue Wrench can give you peace of mind when it comes to your vehicle’s upkeep.

Taking proactive steps in maintaining your vehicle not only extends its lifespan but also helps retain its value over time.

A well-maintained car performs better, consumes less fuel, and holds its worth longer, which is especially important if you plan on selling or trading it in the future.

By investing in quality maintenance services, you’re ensuring that your vehicle continues to serve you reliably and efficiently for many years to come.

The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

People would get excited about “new” features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars like Conklin Buick GMC Hutchinson ks for years. If you are searching for the best cars then you will get redirected here.

We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn’t drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels, they wouldn’t tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card.

Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under warranty.

Continue ReadingThings That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

If Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

DOS:
Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM:
Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh:
All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2:
To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Unix:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they’re building.

Windows 95:
Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff. Then: BOOM! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT:
The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can’t even get aboard.

Windows 98:
The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

Continue ReadingIf Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

College Glossary

Author Unknown

ABSENT: (n)
The notation generally following your name in a class record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n)
Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

ANATOMY: (n)
One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves.

BIOLOGY: (n)
A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

BOOK: (n)
A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

BOOKBAG: (n)
A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally)
books.

CAFETERIA: (n)
from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat")
and "teria" ("to wretch").

CAFFEINE: (n)
One of the four basic food groups.

CALL: (v)
What you can’t do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart.

COACH: (n)
A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette.

CUM LAUDE: (v)
How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude."

D-MINUS: (n)
A pretty good grade.

DORM: (n)
Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.

DORMROOM: (n)
A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.

EDUCATION BUDGET: (n)
Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.

EGGHEAD:
1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A’s.
2) (n) That same student once you’ve dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.

EXTRA CREDIT: (n)
What you wish you had on your credit card.
F: (n)
A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test paper.

JUNIOR VARSITY: (n)
The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.

KAPPA: (n)BR>
What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas.

KITCHENETTE: (n)
A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.

KLUTZ: (n)
What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you’re holding.

LAB: (n)
A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

LETTERMEN: (n)
Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

LIBERAL ARTS: (n)
See: "Would you like fries with that?"

LOUNGE: (n)
Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn’t soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.

MAJOR: (n)
Area of study that no longer interests you.

MIDNIGHT OIL: (n)
What you make popcorn in.

MISERY: (n)
The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike."

NICKNAME: (n)
Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. E.g. "Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester."

NO: (n)
The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.

NUDE MODELS: (n)
The reason for your sudden interest in art.

OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n)
Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county.

OTHELLO: (n)
Unless you’re an English major, who really cares??

OUT: (n)
Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.

PAPER: (n)
Your version of Cliff Notes.

POSTER: (n)
An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people think you’ve been to foreign lands and done things you never have.

PRE-LAW: (n)
The major of a person who will end up in sales.

VICE SQUAD: (n)
A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

VENDING MACHINE : (n)
A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.

VICTOR: (n)
Your football team’s weekly opponent.

VICTORY: (n)
A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell.

WEEKEND : (n)
Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you’d signed up for a seven day meal plan.

WHIZ KID: (n)
Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think.

WINDELLAS: (n)
Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

WINTER: (n)
When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.

WORK-STUDY: (n)
Two things not done by a majority of students.

WRISTWATCH: (n)
That device on your arm that lets you know which class you’re currently late for.

X-RAY: (n)
A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they’re eaten.

XYLEM: (n)
We’re not going to tell you this. You should know this. You took Biology, didn’t you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)

YALE:
1) (n) A well known ivy league university.
2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.

YEARBOOK: (n)
A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier as the years go by.

YESTERDAY: (n)
When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.

YIELD SIGN: (n)
Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.

ZEPPELIN:
1) (n) A large blimp.
2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one’s underwear.

ZERO: (n)
The number of times you’ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered.

ZOO: (n)
What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

ZOOLOGY: (n)
The study of animal life (See: "Frat boys at Homecoming").

Continue ReadingCollege Glossary

Cheddarhead Dictionary

Author Unknown

If you think you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native… you’re dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey. For your enjoyment, here’s an updated list of Wisconsinisms. This stuff drives a spell checker crazy.

Ain-a-hey:
placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn’t It?"

Bart:
a Green Bay institution who doesn’t need a last name; (see "Vince").

Believe-you-me:
attached to the beginning or end a statement make it more credible; as in, "really!"

Blaze orange:
what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear at Lambeau.

Born in a barn?:
a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open.

Borrow:
used in place of "lend," as in, "could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks?"

Brat:
a sausage; a Wisconsin tailgate favorite; doesn’t have anything to do with a spoiled kid.

Bubbler:
to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin’s borders, it is known as a drinking fountain.

Budge:
to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don’t you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"

By:
to or near; as in "Let’s go by One Eyed Jack’s,"or "She’ll come by Froggers tonight." It has nothing to do with a purchase.

Cheddarhead:
someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."

Cheesehead:
someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."

Cheese curd:
small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them; a parish picnic favorite when deep fried.

Come-here-once:
a beckoning call to another Cheddarhead.

Couple-two-tree:
more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree beers."

Cripes:
a Wisconsin expletive. Cripes-sake: a mild Wisconsin expletive.

Crymany-cripes-sake:
a wild Wisconsin expletive.

D:
a substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in"Dat guy over dere in dah Bears shirt is a FIB."

Davenport:
what your mom called the sofa; a couch.

Fair-to-midlin:
not bad or great, just "O.K."

FIB:
an acronym; (F***in’ Illinois Bastard)

Fish fry:
a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.

Fleet Farm:
a Cheddarhead’s answer to Bloomingdales.

Frozen tundra:
Lambeau Field.

Geeez!:
Another Wisconsin expletive.

Go ahead:
proceed; as in, "go ahead and back up your car."

Gots:
used in place of "have;" as in, "I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."

Guldarn:
another Wisconsin expletive.

Hey:
placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in "Hey, how ’bout them Packers?" or "How ’bout them Packers, hey?"

Holy-cry-yiy!:
as in, "wow!"

How’s-by-you?:
a greeting; the same as, "How’s everything?"

Humdinger:
a beauty; as in "dat crappy youse caughtup-nort is a real humdinger."

John Deere:
a Cheddarhead’s other vehicle.

M’wakee:
Wisconsin’s largest city; located just down the lake from Trivers and Mantwoc.

N-so?:
a word inserted at the end of a statement; used as a substitute for "right?" or "correct?"

Oh, yah:
depending on emphasis, it’s either used as acknowledgment (as"That’s correct") or skepticism (That’s bull!).

Parish picnics:
social events of the summer up-nort.

Pert-neer:
near; in close proximity; just about.

Polka:
what you do at parish picnics.

Pop:
a non-alcoholic drink.

Rubbers:
protection for your shoes; also known as "galoshes."

Scansin:
the state where Cheeseheads are from.

Schmear:
a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a game of Sheepshead

Sheepshead:
another card game.

Side-by-each:
used instead of, "next to each other."

Skeeter:
Wisconsin state bird.

Start wit me last:
to forfeit your turn.

Stop-and-go lights:
what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.

Uff-dah:
affirmative; as in "that’s right!"

Un-thaw:
to defrost.

Where-abouts:
locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse guys from?"

Up nort:
where Wisconsinites go on vacation.

Up-side right:
right side up.

Vince:
the other Green Bay icon who doesn’t need a last name for recognition; (see "Bart").

Yah-hey:
affirmative; as in "uff-dah."

You-betcha:
affirmative; as in "Yah-hey."

Youse:
pronounced "YOOS;" it means "you" as in "are youse guys goin’ up nort?"

Youper:
someone from ever further up-nort than you.

Continue ReadingCheddarhead Dictionary

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Holidays

author unknown

10. Hey! There’s a gift.

9. Well, well, well…

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit.

7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don’t deserve this.

Continue ReadingTop 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like

Hurdling Cube Walls – A real memo from my work

Steph Mineart

Intercompany Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Facilities
Date: April 3, 1998

Subject: Hurdling Cube Walls

Please read the following message if you are located at Parkwood.

Please be advised that an injury occurred recently when someone climbed over a manager station cube wall. Do NOT, under any circumstance, climb over these walls. There are two keys available for each of these cube offices. If you are at Parkwood both keys were given to you when you arrived at your new station. Please give the extra key from that station to your Administrative Assistant or to Facilities so that someone has access to your office in the event you are not at work. These cubes are not currently mastered keyed. We are working with the furniture manufacturer to get this resolved.

Continue ReadingHurdling Cube Walls – A real memo from my work

Presidential Comparisons

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President’s biggest fear…

Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President…

Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Their Vice-Presidents…

Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek

Presidential qualities…

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her

Things the President couldn’t explain…

Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

Presidential Nicknames…

Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy

and finally, Presidential excuses…

Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn’t get in her nook

Continue ReadingPresidential Comparisons

Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this.

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife

Now, that Miss Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did, I don’t remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me, Mr. Starr

I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, ever did inhale

Continue ReadingSeuss on Clinton – extended remix

Clinton Family Tree

Author Unknown

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I’m awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father."

Continue ReadingClinton Family Tree