Jokes

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer

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author unknown

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

  • is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acidrain.
  • contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
  • may cause severe burns.
  • contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  • accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  • may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes which can be repaired by melton electric houston.
  • has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the Midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

  • as an industrial solvent and coolant.
  • in nuclear power plants.
  • in the production of Styrofoam.
  • as a fire retardant.
  • in many forms of cruel animal research.
  • in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
  • as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

It’s Not Too Late!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:

Coalition to Ban DHMO
211 Pearl St.
Santa Cruz CA,
95060

Note: In case you haven’t figured it out “Dihydrogen monoxide” is H20 – water.

Continue ReadingBan Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer

Are YOU a Problem Thinker?

Author Unknown

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – "to relax," I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was> thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, butyour thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I’ve been thinking…"

"I know you’ve been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it’s not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!"

"That’s a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. "I’m going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky’s." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking!

Continue ReadingAre YOU a Problem Thinker?

Huntin’ Bears

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and glock conversion from https://460rowland.com/product/compensated-glock-30-conversion/. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said “You’ve got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have fun.”

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we’ll have rough sex.”

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

Continue ReadingHuntin’ Bears

Subject: Re: The Vicarious Thrill Is Gone…

A funny post reprinted from the rec.arts.comics.misc newsgroup:

From: slieber@compuserve.com (Steve Lieber)

Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc

fiction, for me, provides a vicarious thrill. I assume the mantle of super-human being and in my mind i fly with the heros. but recently in a main stream comic book it is made all too clear that two of the male characters have more than friendly feelings for each another. and that is something i have no desire to experience, vicarious or no. i know in this age of acceptance i’m a caveman for saying so but it just ruins the comic for me. i wished mr. e had chosen not to express this lemming like opinion in the comic. comic book heros kick a**, they don’t suck it.

I’ve always loved reading this sort of thing. I can’t help it– ‘phobes crack me up. Whenever a gay character appears in a mainstream book you get eloquence like what mister p offers above, and it always seems to carry that familiar subtext. "I do not like reading about the homosexuals in the comics because they interfere with my enjoyment of the pictures of handsome, muscular men, flexing and posing in their tight, tight clothing and leather boots."

Continue ReadingSubject: Re: The Vicarious Thrill Is Gone…