The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a Shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it’s Kermit Jagger and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything to use as collateral.
"Sure," the frog says. " I have this." He produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant about half an inch tall.
Very confused, Ms. Whack explains that she’ll have to consult the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There’s a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. " I mean what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks at her and says:
"It’s a Knick Knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone."
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends,that he says to the mermaid: "Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider."
The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view on the universe…won’t you ask for something else…a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it’s usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.
A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What’ll it be?" The man says, "I’ll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What’s yours?" "I’ll have a pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I’ll have a half, but I ain’t payin’!" So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That’ll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman’s surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I’ll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain’t payin’!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it’s close to last orders. I’ll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I’ll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I’ll have a small scotch…but I ain’t payin’!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can’t contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there’s something I must know…how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket…every time?" "Well", says the man, "it’s a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes." "That’s fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That’s brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That’s right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir… err, your friends there… we don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in here…?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I ever did, but I’m stuck with ’em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were all having lunch together. Hercules said, "I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?" Snow White agreed. "I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder." Quasimodo said, "I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive, but I’ve never had it confirmed."
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasimodo was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Hercules walked up with a smile. "Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it." But Quasimodo lifted his sad face and asked, "Who is Linda Tripp?"
A guy has been traveling on business all day. He checks into a hotel and tells the man behind the desk he needs a single room for the night.
As the clerk fills out the paperwork the man sees this beautiful girl sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. A few minutes later he comes back with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he tells the clerk, "what a surprise, this is my wife and I’ll now need a double room for the night instead."
The next morning he comes down to settle the bill and finds it to be over $3,000.
"What’s the hell’s the meaning of this? I was only here one night," the man tells the clerk.
"Yes, but your wife has been here for 3 weeks," The clerk replies.
It’s not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She’s not marrying the best man.
They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won’t try to run her life, and he won’t try to run his, either.
He believes that marriage and a career don’t mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.
All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.
He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You’re the boss."
If it weren’t for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theater where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, golden showers…and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I’m only here for the music."
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "We’re here to see our dog."
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said:
"Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle more than a week ago.
Love, Mom"
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I’m running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow’s soup of the day)